April 2, 2009

A or B?

Filed under: American Idol,Family — Tags: , , , , , — denise @ 4:04 pm

A little quiz.

Which was more disturbing to my husband Kory?

A. When my daughter worked his entire jump drive into a full can of Diet Mountain Dew


B. When my daughter pooped in the bathtub and then lifted her tiny hands out of the bubbles and handed the turd to him, which he took – not realizing it wasn’t a toy.

Which was more distrurbing to me?

A. Scott “Blind Guy” on American Idol’s creepy mullet/perm and mini-vampire fangs.


B. Scott “Blind Guy” on American Idol’s lack of talent and horrible, smarmy Barry Manilow bullshit song choices that make me cringe and then feel bad because my years of diversity training make it VERY DIFFICULT to effectively make fun of this guy.

Which was most disturbing to The Teen?

A. Having a pregnant mom with diarrhea in a house with ONLY ONE BATHROOM.


B. Closing the bathroom door and finding his pregnant mom’s underpants hanging off the hook on the back of the door, after she forgot them there while showering.  PLUS SIZE MATERNITY UNDERPANTS.

Which was the most disturbing to The Toddler?

A. No more stickers.


B.  Seriously, there are no more stickers. I know you can not fathom living another moment in a world without stickers. Lots of stickers. Flower stickers. Easter stickers. Fairy stickers. Pooh stickers. Mickey Mouse stickers. WHY EVEN BREATHE IF THERE ARE NO STICKERS?!!!!

March 2, 2009

Idol Postcards… yeah, I’m still writing them.

First and foremost–  A GIANT THANK YOU to my friend Chad (who did not get a perm) for pointing me in EXACTLY the right direction with regard to a certain problem that my brain had been noodling over for a few weeks now.  You are the BEST!

Headband Boy Who Won’t Stop Crying and Jason Hervey from The Wonder Years!

Chad’s opinion is that “even if Headband Boy does the best performance the world has ever seen of “Let’s Get Physical” this week, he still should not go on!”

You should know, Chad is a man of strong opinions.

There has been a strange trend of dudes doing girl songs… and not just semi-girl songs, but really, really girls songs.  Mariah, Cher, JoDee Messina, Christina…. it’s…. odd.

I’m pretty pleased with the results from last week.  I think Nate‘s performance of “Satisfaction” was my favorite performance of his so far.  For the first 30 seconds, I was really worried when he was doing all those weird Steve Martin pretending to be sexy lip moves – but the end was really amazing.

I like Alison (aka, the new Kelly Clarkson who somehow looks both like a 16 year old and a 43 year old housewife and the same time…) so I was happy to see her go through.. and Kris… well, I feel like Kris and I just met.  I’m not a fan of the Michael Jackson tunes, particularly, and there’s something strange about his jaw.  It’s… you know… jutty.   But I’m willing to give the guy a shot.

I thought I really liked Kai, but instead of looking/sounding all laid back and Mraz-y and looking like a Hawaiian Spiccoli, he was sort of swarthy and weird.  I liked Stevie in Hollywood and was sad to see her sing for the entire alloted time in key totally different than the music.  And friends, I am TICKLED PINK that Megan, Miss I Have One Tattoo’d Arm.. Miss Hair Down To My Toes… Miss Dislocated Shoulders Shimmy Shimmy did not make it through.

A conversation I had during her performance:

Me: What the hell is she doing with her shoulders?  Why are her arms wagging around?

Kory: That’s so weird.

Me: DAAAAAOOOOOWN   DAAAAOOOOWWNNNNN  Why is she saying “down” like that?

Me: Seriously, what is wrong with her mouth?  Why is she singing like English is her second language?

Kory:  She’s just a little , “Aren’t I too precious” for me.

Exactly!  I was worried the judges comments would sway the SWAYABLES, but thankfully not. Of course, she could be brought back as a wild card…. at which time I will have apoplectic fits.

Postcards to the last batch:

Dear Von,

Darlin’, you are cute as a bug in a rug.  You have a good voice…. a likability.

However, you have stop trying to take down cement walls with your voice.  You are not an X-Men.  We do not need to hear you from across a football field.  You have a microphone, dear.  It means, you can sing like you would to someone sitting just a few feet away from you and we will all hear it.  No need to make the paint peel.  You dig?

Your friend,



Dear Kendall,

You know… and I know…. and the judges know… and your momma knows….  you are going to pick the wrong song.  It will be too old.  Or too young.  Too upbeat.  Too soulful.  It won’t showcase your voice.  Or it will have too many runs.  No matter what you have done, they judges have always told you what you are doing is WRONG.   I know you are confused.  I know it doesn’t seem fair.

But like a break up that NEEDS to happen with a person you really don’t want to hurt…. sometimes, it’s just easier to keep picking apart the little stuff until that person just sort of leaves on their own, defeated in their realization that nothing they do will ever be good enough.   It’s cowardly, but shit happens.

Bet you a dollar.

Your friend,



Dear Jorge,

I…um….  don’t get it.

Your pal,



Dear Lil,

I’m pullin’ for you this week.  I’d still like Kristen to get top female, but I’d love to see you take the 3rd seat.  I love your voice, your quiet determination… and your life story?  You and your hubs and kids living in a hotel room?  Man… that kills me.

Kory is flumoxed by your name… Lil Rounds…. because he thinks it’s all Lil’Kim-esque.  You have to admit, it’s got a touch of the Stripper about it… but for now, I’m determined that it’s your real name — maybe short for Lily or Lilleth.   And that Rounds is your birth or married name and not a notable quotable about your anatomy…

Please do not do anything by Whitney. That is all.

Your friend, Deeples

Other fun things to watch for:

  • The roughneck trying to perch on his tiny silver scoop on stage for the results show — AGAIN!
  • Ryan and Simon’s simmering bromance of double entendre !
  • Paula telling someone they can sing the phonebook!  Because it’s so clever!

February 21, 2009

More AmIdol postcards…

Dear Norman Gentle,

I would imagine that the judges are in the same weird place that I am in that you are obviously talented, wildly entertaining to watch, completely likable… and yet, so thoroughly not appropriate for this show.

And when Nick tried to sing it straight…and then couldn’t get through the song without your true Norman-ness bursting through in fit of Ethel Merman/Liza Minelli channeling wonder… ah, priceless.  But not, you know, Idol.

Also, I feel required to point out that no self-respecting Man Diva would wear khaki shorts or that dreadful headband. The sparkle shirt and the old/new/retro/Kanye-esque glasses are remarkably (and regretably) trying to come back into style.  Lord, spare us.

Your friend,


ps. Can I suggest more JAZZ HANDS?


Dear Nick,

It didn’t work for Paul Rubens (PeeWee Herman) and it didn’t work for RuPaul Andre Charles (The fabulous RuPaul).  It’s not working for you.

Nick is as bland and boring and Norman is funny and endearing.

You started with Norman, you are going to have to stick with him and just ride the ride as far as it will go.

Your friend,


Ps. More jazz hands!


Dear Headband Boy Who Cries ALL The Time,

First of all, it’s driving me insane that I can’t figure out who you look like. Because you LOOK LIKE SOMEONE.  Some kid in some movie… a western?… MY BRAIN IS MELTING FROM TRYING TO FIGURE IT OUT. Meanwhile, I’m dealing with the 1) headband 2) Twin Chin Spikies 3) the skin tight jeans with the bare feet 4) the purple pants 5) the endless array of scarves. It’s as if Steven Tyler, Cher and Pinhead are fighting for fashion dominence.

Honey… listen.  I know you’ve had a hard life.  I know you live with your Gram and your mom is in jail and no one accepts you because of your headband/spikies/scarves and I certainly agree that all people should have a place in life where they feel accepted and appreciated for who they are.  I do!

HOWEVER. There is a little thing is life called COMPROMISE.  If I want to be taken seriously and accepted by others, I don’t – for example –  paint my face with chocolate frosting and fashion outfits out of double-ply toilet paper.  It’s… you know… TOO MUCH.  And if I did choose to break the fashion/social acceptance barrier and do my own thing, I damn well wouldn’t cry about it.  If you want to be wacky ole Nathaniel, then do it!  But do it with pride, damn it.

Your friend,


ps. I’m never going to be ok with the headband.


Dear Matt,

You, my dear, are my second favorite behind Danny.  Certainly, you could move up because Danny has made it clear that he’s pretty sure he’s THE SHIT and while that was a turn on when I was 19, not so much now.  You have a Buble-ness about you that is adorable and I love your voice. I love the idea of a dueling piano guy making the big time, while a bar full of adoring fans get to see their local guy make good.


The only thing… and every season I wrestle with this… is that… well, you’re already a professional.

..and I just can’t decide if that bugs me or not.

I think it does.  Local boy dueling piano guy with 2 CDs out?  Doesn’t have the same ring….

Your friend,



Dear Kristin,

You know, I kind of like that you are sort of awkward… and wear clothes that look like you dressed in the dark.  I kind of like that you have that weird run/waddle/walk and the stupid stripey hair…because it makes you seem so human. Your social ineptitude and bizarre way of presenting yourself is… oddly likable.

You’ve got a little Melissa Joan Hart in you.  A little Mena Survari…

We know you can sing and if we could connect to you as the girl next door… man, you could be the unlikely one that goes really far — the one that Simon called the “not pretty one” could take the whole thing.


What is THIS?

and this………………………….> 

and THIS:

You were on Nashville Star and apparently finished 3rd?

So, what’s with the bumbling around?  What’s with the faux nervousness and the cute little girl act?

I don’t like being duped, Kristin.

Your friend,



Dear Roughneck,

Congrats on making it into the Top 12.  Honestly, I was hoping for Anoop.

I’m not convinced that you can really sing, but I do like your story – and you can thank Bruce Willis and the rest of the cast of “Armegdon” for that.

I’m not trying to be mean, but there is one image that comes to mind repeatedly when I look at you.

That is all.

Your friend,



Dear Carly and Michael,

Don’t ever EVER EVER EVER EVER do that again.

Your friend,


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