March 30, 2006

Getting out of dodge

Filed under: friends,Travel — Tags: — denise @ 3:03 am


Here we come!

This should prove to be an interesting weekend… as it always is.  We’re leaving today and all 14 of us will be up there until Sunday.  I’d say there will be stories to tell but we all know – what happens in Lutsen, stays in Lutsen.

Right.  AS IF!

This is where we stay…

Kory > Lutsen '05 photo

March 29, 2006

Things the Idols need to hear. NOW.

Things the Idols need to hear. NOW.

First of all — you ALL sucked last night. Taylor sucked the least. Lisa, the most. But all of you… all of you… disappointed.

This happens every year at some point in the season – usually very near the Top 10 – there is one strange show where everyone sucks wind.  I believe this to be a combination of middle fatigue and the fact that you’ve been told over and over again how WONDERFUL and TALENTED and GORGEOUS you are and you now believe your own hype. Your song choices were self-indulgent, as Simon stated.

Let me tell you something, kids : we aren’t all Paula Abdul hopped up on Vicodin and Mimosas.  You aren’t always wonderful- or even in key,as displayed last night.

I have some words of advice for you – take em or leave them, but know that unlike Paula or Simon – I really am your biggest fan and your biggest critic. I’m also slightly cranky.

Lisa – Listen, honey- you are young and thin.  Let’s leave it at that. You were awful and completely out of key last night. I’m not sure WHAT you thinking doing a Kelly Clarkson song, but hello?  You are cute, but I have to be honest that I can’t decide if I hate your hair more when it’s straight or when it’s curly.  I’m sure you will KILL when your highschool does “Grease” next year.  If I could call a number to vote you off this week, I would.

Ace – ((sigh))  You are KILLING ME, MAN! You have to stop with the arched brows and the meaningful looks.  I about hurled myself off the couch to slap the TV screen last night when you pulled your shirt over to reveal the scar on your chest during your “Train” song. *hurling* Dude. Just stop. Please.  Then, to reveal that it was a scar from falling on the T-bar during a basketball game? COME ON!  The major difference between you and Constantine was that Constantine actually believed his swagger. He really thought he was the shit and irresistible to all women — you… you just look uncomfortable up there…. like you know you aren’t cool.  I am also completely over your hair, your nasal tone and your endless sappy ballads. And I NEVER thought your falsetto was cool. EVER.

Kelly – If I said that I hate you with the fire of a thousand suns, I still wouldn’t be able to express my true feelings about you.  You are insipid and ridiculous and an affront to all womankind.  I understand that you grew up in the Ozarks and that your daddy is in jail and your momma left you — but damn girl, read a book.  Watch the news.  Take in a movie.  I’ll give her a break on the “minx” thing – (“I’m a mink!”) because that is a fairly British and completely SMARMY reference.  But, honestly, SAL-mon? It’s only the most popular fish on the plant next to tuna.  “What’s a ballsy?”  Either this is the best act on the planet or this girl truly is a walking, talking box of rocks.  She. Must. Go.

Chris –  Why Creed? WHY Creed? WHY CREED, man?! Listen, if you want to have any kind of credibility you must never say the words “Rock out” and “Creed” in the same sentence. Ever.  Usually, I really dig you. I like the bald head. I, of course, completely dig the whole married a single mom and I love her kids- bit.  You are a good performer and you are generally always in key. Here’s the thing – you sound… exactly the same…. every time you perform. Like… exactly.  You could have a great career as the lead singer of almost any rock band, RIGHT NOW.  But, Idol? Mmmm… you are going to have to branch out a bit. Also, you looked like a shmoe when you passed off that version of “Walk the Line” as your own until you were called on the carpet by “Live” fans.  So, now you are a shmoe who sang CREED. Dude, how the mighty have fallen….

Mandisa – We all love your pipes, hon.  We LOVE your gorgeous smile and your infectious personality… but we didn’t get that song.  Maybe it’s that most of us don’t have a trained ear for gospel – but it sounded up upsy and downsy and well… like you shouted for 2 minutes.  I love seeing you up there, but I have to *gulp* agree with Paula that we need to see that you don’t have to belt every song. Also, I love that you let Ryan take your shoes off because I would have FREAKED OUT if someone I didn’t know tried to take my shoe off before I walked on stage.  Props to you.  Pick songs that mass markets will “get” and show us a softer side.

Taylor – Babe, you know I love ya.  I do!  I just have that nervous oh-god-I-hope-he-does-well-this-week feeling every. single. week.  I worry… oh, I worry… that eventually your Taylor Thing will cease to be interesting and refreshing and just become annoying. First of all, I need you to stop talking about your “legions of fans in Las Vegas” – because what that translates to is “I don’t need your votes because I’m already famous in Vegas and  I have a girlfriend in the Niagara Falls area”.  Don’t give people a reason to think you don’t need a vote.  Secondly, I need to hear a ballad. I just do.  Make it happen.  Finally, we know they are slowly darkening your hair. It’s significantly darker now than it was at the beginning. Quit saying things like “don’t let them dye your hair” because it makes you sound fake.

Katharine – I freely admit that I have a girl crush on you.  You are beautiful and uber-talented and charming. You have perfect teeth, which I am extremely jealous of…. I love your voice and usually your song choices… but thumbs down on last night’s performance.  I mean…. really. What WAS that?  I’m not an Xtina fan, anyway… but.. geez.  You are going to have to step it up if you are going to win…. I think you can, but you are going to have to want it more than you do now.

I think you think you’ve already won it. The same way that jock in highschool who knew he was hot became less attractive the more conceited he got…. your stock is dropping.

Bucky – ohhhhh Bucky.  Ok, I’m going to pull a Paula and tell you what I like about you first.  I really like your throaty voice.  There.  That’s it.   Your hair is terrible and your teeth are like 20 people all trying to walk in different directions (though, not as bad as Elliot’s).  You seem kind, but mostly that’s because you have virtually no personality whatsoever.  None.

Also, your twin is creepy.

Paris – I know you are only 17.  I know you are from Minnesota. I know your grandmother is famous and you’ve been touted as a “shoe-in” from the beginning. (hey, Pickler – a “shoe-in” is someone that is expected to win, not one of the steps from the hokey-pokey)

Frankly, Paris, your voice works my last nerve. I wish I could explain it… I think you are really cute and I LOVE when you do that 70’s Diane Warwick flippy-bob thing with your hair…but I just don’t feel you.   The whole Beyonce thing last night was astonishingly bad — I actually had my hands over my eyes, I was so embarrassed for you.  Do NOT do that booty-shake thing again.. please…  ugh.  Also, I would like you to please say, “Thank You” with some dignity and grace.  The current “THINK-Ya” that you do in that super high pip-squeek voice actually makes me want to claw my own skin off.   Otherwise, I like you just fine.  Yeah.

Elliot – Here’s the thing :  You forgot your words, man. Just not acceptable. You were also sharp – like stick your finger in your ear and wince, sharp. You have a phenomenal voice, for sure – but here’s the thing — you sort of look like Cletus from the Simpsons.

Your VOICE. Being on PITCH. REMEMBERING THE WORDS are VITAL for you!!!!!!!

Geez, man.  Step it up.


March 23, 2006

5 random thoughts for today

Filed under: American Idol,Life — Tags: , , , — denise @ 2:59 am

5 random thoughts for today

1. I had dream a few night ago in which I was running around town with a dental receptionist in the Mystery Machine and Joey Fatone from N’Sync and his GANG attacked the van with switchblades and dance moves.

2. I really thought I would love the Thai peanut noodles I made, but they made me feel like crap.  I think I need to just accept that I will never really be able to eat pasta. I am now officially a No Pasta Zone.

3. My gas tank gauge is hosed. I filled up and the needle only went up to 1/4 tank.  Of course, I noticed this as I’m driving down the road… the gas station in the distance.  Of course, I paid at the pump and said, “No” when it asked me if I wanted a receipt… So, the question became – Did it really only pump 1/4 of a tank and charge me for more?  Or is the needle hosed? By the time I got to work, it had edged up to almost 1/2 tank. When I started it up after work it was up over 1/2 tank.. and was up to the “F” by the time I got home.  So, the gauge is hosed.  Or at least, oddly, very slow.

4. I’m teaching a class today… for the first time in over year.  I’m not exactly nervous, but I’ve decided that my shirt is really a little thin to have not worn a tank top under it and now I feel like I have NEON BRA , which is frankly, not the best feeling when standing up in front of group of people trying to explain how the state and federal goverment works.

5. Thank God they finally voted Chicken Little off.  Sweet kid, but he had to go. I personally feel that my 3 calls I made for Bucky single-handedly saved his ass.

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