deeples

Just call me Copper Catfish ~ You aint foolin’ me.

September25

Thanks to the Sarah Palin baby name generator sent to me by my friend CaraLin, I now know that had I been Sarah’s kid , my name would be Copper Catfish. My husband would be named, Staff Wrench.

My kids?  Cuppa Invader & Claw Washout

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I am getting a flurry of catalogs in the mail as the holiday approach us, ones like “Potpourri” and  “Favorites“.  They are filled with things like red sequined tennis shoes and dachshund earrings.  There are plaques that say, “Remember, as far as anyone knows, we are a normal family”… and t-shirts that say, “Beer is proof that God wants us to be happy.”

And also… for some reason….  there are VIBRATORS.

For example, on page 19 of “Favorites” catalog we have:

  • spiral rainbow earrings
  • a ruffled top (in pink, black or white)
  • silver-plated, crystal & faux pearl “sisters” bracelet
  • jeweled trees sweatshirt in lavender
  • handbag holder with filigree design
  • AND “ULTIME – CONTOUR MASSAGER”  (AKA TOTAL VIBRATOR)

“Presenting the latest in European-designed natural contour massagers! Shaped expressly for women, its stimulating, thumb-and-forefinger-simulating design delivers three speeds of variable, pleasurable relief and RELEASE. Includes 2 AA batteries. 8 1/4″- long curve.  $34.95

I’m not sayin’… I’m just sayin’.

posted under Double Play | 2 Comments »

The Bunny Incident ~ Elevator Dude

August12

The Bunny Incident

If you see Kory and you wonder, “Hey, man – how was your birthday?”, the thing I would totally not do is mention bunnies.  In fact, I would not mention baby bunnies or lawnmowers at all.

Really, I wouldn’t mention baby bunnies, lawnmowers or cutting the grass before the party.  I ESPECIALLY would not mention any reference to “putting things out of their misery“.  Or large concrete blocks.  Not those either.   But mostly, just don’t mention bunnies at all.

Or any of this.

Can I offer this suggestion? : “How was the SANGRIA?”   Then grin a lot.   That’ll probably work.

Or even ask him if he got birthday sex, because he probably did.

Also do not mention anything about how certainly every knows that bunnies burrow into the ground.

Generally, ixnay on the unniesbay.

Elevator Dude

This morning I got on the elevator at work with a man I’d never seen before who reminded me very much of Mr. Dursley, but shorter.  He even had that I-thought-that-only-happened -in-movies waxed down hair with the ruler straight part.  He didn’t speak but was gesturing a lot.

A finger point….

An open palm swept slightly in an arc…

A 4 fingers to thumb full hand point of emphasis….

Clearly, practicing something in his head, he was lost in his thoughts.

When the elevator opened, I jumped out and whirled around and shouted,

GO SELL YOUR POTIONS AND SNAKE CHARMS SOMEWHERE ELSE, BUB!

Ok, I didn’t.  But I really wanted to.

posted under Double Play | 7 Comments »

New words ~ I’m just sayin’

July13

Things The Baby says about 30 times a day:

1. YELLOW !!!!

2.  BABY !!!! NIGH’ NIGHT!!!

3.  BEEP! BEEP!  UH-OH!!

Things that annoy me (I’m just sayin’) :

1. The metallic taste in my mouth that suggests a filling and/or tin foil has invaded my scene. I’ve brushed.  I’ve flossed.  RELUCTANTLY. It’s still there. Making my brain explode.  I’m just sayin’…

2. That Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt named their new twins Vivienne and Knox. Because I love Vivienne and sort of hate Knox which is either a) Fort  b) gelatin or c) a joke.   Knox, knox.  Who’s there?   An aspic at Fort Snelling.  I’m just sayin’….

3.  Favre un-retiring.  Jesus Christ, man.   The Savior of the Pack pimping himself to expansion teams??!  Asking for an “unconditional release” from a team that would rather eat salad than allow you to go to a rival team?  Why not just stab them all through the hearts with brats?  I’m just sayin’…

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