July 22, 2009

1 of 50 – I’m an IOTA. Be one, too!

Filed under: Uncategorized — denise @ 7:50 pm

I used to tip 15%. I used that (handy!) trick of doubling the tax to figure that terrible math problem out.

Then, my best friend became a server some time in the mid 90’s.  That’s when I was informed that we are all stupid under-tipping assholes and we need to tip at least 20% because servers have to tip the runners and the busers as well…

And then I started tipping a little more than 20%  when it was brought to my attention that many places withhold 11-13% of each food servers daily tickets based on the faulty assumption that most of America aren’t stupid under-tipping assholes.

And now that I have small children that leave the table, high chair, booster seat, carpet, window treatments and other patrons covered in their partially eaten grilled cheeses and corn dog nuggets, I leave closer to 50% tip.

Now I’m an informed over-tipping asshole.

February 17, 2009

I am breaking up with the news.

Filed under: Uncategorized — denise @ 4:03 pm

Stuff I don’t want to hear about anymore:

  • what is happening “across the aisle”
  • peanut butter
  • anything remotely related to Lindsey Lohan
  • “shovel-ready” projects
  • ballots: rejected, counted, recounted – anything about goddamned ballots
  • octuplets
  • A-Roid
  • depression, recession, falling market, consumer confidence
  • Rhianna/Chris Brown
  • The Governor’s proposal
  • anything CD related
  • Bail out
  • The Oscars

November 28, 2008

My mom goes all Thelma & Louise with an ex-nun.

Filed under: Family,Uncategorized — Tags: , , — denise @ 1:30 pm

I talked to my mom last night during the usual Thanksgiving Phonecall and amongst the discussion of parsnips and turkey, we had the following conversation:

Me: So, Kory said he “chatted” with you on IM yesterday.
Mom: Yes! That was a lot of fun!
Me: I think maybe you guys had some communication issues, though, because he’s a little confused about something you said…. *laughing*…. he thought you were leaving Grandma to go work somewhere over Christmas! *laughing more*
….. long pause…….
Mom: Well, I’m considering it.
Me: What is it? Where is it? Kory thought you said cleaning houses?
Me: Keeping WHOSE house, Mom? Where?!
Mom: In the Grand Canyon.
Me: The Grand Canyon. You are going to be a janitor in the Grand Canyon?
Mom: (sighing) It’s just something I’m THINKING about. I can always change my mind.
Me: Ok, explain it again slowly. I feel like I’m missing something. You are going for over a month…
Mom: No! No! It’s like maybe 2 and half weeks!
Me: Ok, you are going for 2 weeks OVER CHRISTMAS to the Grand Canyon to clean people’s houses…… for what……….purpose?
Mom: Well, to bring in some money for one thing. (Says my Master’s Degree educated mother.)
But also, you know, to do something interesting. Also, it’s not people’s homes. It’s a hotel.
Me: Okaaaay…
Me: Okay. It’s cleaning hotel rooms…. I’m just going to stand here and not judge you, ok?
Mom: *laughs* Look- I said I’m just thinking about it.
Me: But, what about Grandma? (Mom my lives with my 85 year old grandmother) You’re just going to leave her alone at Christmas?!
Mom: She said she’d be fine!
Me: But…Mom……. does she have somewhere to go?
Mom: She can… go to dinner with people… and have company… and she said…….she didn’t mind…
Me: And……ok.……. sorry, still trying to wrap my head around this one. You are going with someone?
Mom: Yes! My friend Adele!
Me: The ex-nun?
Mom: Yes. She…… well, she needs to work a certain amount to keep her unemployment.

………long pause……….

Mom: Also, it’s for a hotel. It’s doing housekeeping for a hotel.

……. long pause………..

Me: Mom, you know what people do in hotel rooms, right?
Mom: Yes DEAR… I think I can imagine what might happen in hotel rooms.
Me: Then… just… ICK… I mean really? You’d want to clean up hotel rooms?
Me: Okay……so.

So, what you are telling me is that you want to leave Grandma alone at Christmas and go with your friend, the ex-nun, to the Grand Canyon to work as a housekeeping maid for a hotel so that your friend, the ex-nun, will not lose her unemployment.

Do I have this right?

Mom: *laughs* That about sums it up.

Me: Well… um…. I applaud your sense of adventure.
Mom: It IS an adventure!!
Me: I know. That’s what I’m saying. It’s……… adventurous. That’s the nicest thing I can say about it and still stand here not judging you.
Mom: I’m just THINKING about it.
Me: Okaaay. Well, let me know what you decide…
Mom: Probably, I need to just reconsider this.
Me: Well, I’m not trying to stop you…. I mean, you know you are PRACTICALLY WRITING MY BLOG for me, right?
Mom: *sighs* Yes, honey, I know.

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