So, remember me? I feel off the planet in November and December.  Not in a my-crazy-neighbor-Roger-who-lives-off-the-grid sort of way. I mean, I still have electricity and I pee indoors and all.. but I did take a break from the blogosphere of life. I didn’t plan to.  I still thought each day that I would write an entry…and each day… I just didn’t.  Then, I stopped even reading other people’s blogs.  And then, goddamn it, I got sucked back into Facebook and there went the 47 seconds of free time I have every day… I don’t know what it was about my 3rd and 4th months of pregnancy, but I just began to feel very private.  Very insular.  Very contained. Not only was I completely disinterested in sharing my own life, I wasn’t particularly interested in anyone else’s life either.  (Ok, I still needed to know what was happening with Britney - but GOD, don’t we all need to know how Britney is doing?) So, I guess you say in the immortal words of Ross,  “We were on a break.” So…. I was kind of thinking that maybe we could start hanging out again? I mean, American Idol is about to start… and The Teen is back living with us… and The Toddler is talking now…  I’m pregnant and pissed off and we’re planning a trip to see my mom and grandma in Tucson — I mean, we are talking SERIOUS BLOG FODDER here, people. You don’t want to miss it. I swear I’m not smirking. Ok.. maybe a little.   Alive and smirking… It’s the best I can do.

I talked to my mom last night during the usual Thanksgiving Phonecall and amongst the discussion of parsnips and turkey, we had the following conversation:

Me: So, Kory said he “chatted” with you on IM yesterday.
Mom: Yes! That was a lot of fun!
Me: I think maybe you guys had some communication issues, though, because he’s a little confused about something you said…. *laughing*…. he thought you were leaving Grandma to go work somewhere over Christmas! *laughing more*
….. long pause…….
Mom: Well, I’m considering it.
Me: What is it? Where is it? Kory thought you said cleaning houses?
Mom: It’s HOUSEKEEPING.
Me: Keeping WHOSE house, Mom? Where?!
Mom: In the Grand Canyon.
Me: The Grand Canyon. You are going to be a janitor in the Grand Canyon?
Mom: (sighing) It’s just something I’m THINKING about. I can always change my mind.
Me: Ok, explain it again slowly. I feel like I’m missing something. You are going for over a month…
Mom: No! No! It’s like maybe 2 and half weeks!
Me: Ok, you are going for 2 weeks OVER CHRISTMAS to the Grand Canyon to clean people’s houses…… for what……….purpose?
Mom: Well, to bring in some money for one thing. (Says my Master’s Degree educated mother.)
But also, you know, to do something interesting. Also, it’s not people’s homes. It’s a hotel.
Me: Okaaaay…
Me: Okay. It’s cleaning hotel rooms…. I’m just going to stand here and not judge you, ok?
Mom: *laughs* Look- I said I’m just thinking about it.
Me: But, what about Grandma? (Mom my lives with my 85 year old grandmother) You’re just going to leave her alone at Christmas?!
Mom: She said she’d be fine!
Me: But…Mom……. does she have somewhere to go?
Mom: She can… go to dinner with people… and have company… and she said…….she didn’t mind…
Me: And……ok.……. sorry, still trying to wrap my head around this one. You are going with someone?
Mom: Yes! My friend Adele!
Me: The ex-nun?
Mom: Yes. She…… well, she needs to work a certain amount to keep her unemployment.

………long pause……….

Mom: Also, it’s for a hotel. It’s doing housekeeping for a hotel.

……. long pause………..

Me: Mom, you know what people do in hotel rooms, right?
Mom: Yes DEAR… I think I can imagine what might happen in hotel rooms.
Me: Then… just… ICK… I mean really? You’d want to clean up hotel rooms?
Mom: I SAID I WAS STILL JUST CONSIDERING IT.
Me: Okay……so.

So, what you are telling me is that you want to leave Grandma alone at Christmas and go with your friend, the ex-nun, to the Grand Canyon to work as a housekeeping maid for a hotel so that your friend, the ex-nun, will not lose her unemployment.

Do I have this right?

Mom: *laughs* That about sums it up.

Me: Well… um…. I applaud your sense of adventure.
Mom: It IS an adventure!!
Me: I know. That’s what I’m saying. It’s……… adventurous. That’s the nicest thing I can say about it and still stand here not judging you.
Mom: I’m just THINKING about it.
Me: Okaaay. Well, let me know what you decide…
Mom: Probably, I need to just reconsider this.
Me: Well, I’m not trying to stop you…. I mean, you know you are PRACTICALLY WRITING MY BLOG for me, right?
Mom: *sighs* Yes, honey, I know.

Scene: Walking out to the car after seeing Twilight, last night,  with my almost 17 year old son.

Act I

The Teen: Oh my god, that movie was sooo good.
Me: I know! I would totally make out with Edward Cullen.
The Teen: (clamps hands over ears) MOM! He’s 17!
Me: No, he’s 107. I’m totally YOUNG for him.
The Teen: I guess. I guess you would be young to a vampire.
Me: TO A VAMPIRE?!!!! RUDE!!!!
The Teen: I meant, you know, ANY vampire.
Me: This is not helping.

Act II - in the car, driving home.

The Teen: Who’s better: vampires or werewolves?
Me: Vampires.
The Teen: WEREWOLVES!!
Me: No way! Vampires get to be strong and fast and deadly but also HOT. *grinning*
The Teen: Werewolves are WAY scarier. They are big and faster than vampires - they could rip a vampire TO SHREDS.
Me: Untrue. Also, they have to get all wolfie so they rip up their clothes and they always end up naked somewhere when they change back. It’s totally inconvenient and clearly makes them weaker.
The Teen: So what? They are more ferocious and they don’t care if they are naked. (makes werewolf face at me) RAWR!!!!!
Me: When they wolf out, they don’t have fingers anymore! What if they needed to make a phone call? Or, or… what if they suddenly came to a door that had a passcode and they had to try to put the passcode in their their big slimy noses?
The Teen: MOM - why would a werewolf change BEFORE they went through a door with a passcode? When would a werewolf have to make a phone call? That doesn’t even make sense!
Me: No, I mean… they were already changed and chasing something or maybe a werewolf slayer was chasing THEM. And they need to call a friend for a ride or get through a passcode door? THEY ARE TOTALLY SCREWED.
The Teen: That would never happen.
Me: WHATEVER! It totally could. And they could never play hopscotch. Being all giant and wolfy with legs and tails everywhere.
The Teen: (exasperated) Werewolves do NOT play hopscotch.
Me: You mean, they CAN’T. Vampires can. In fact, they are probably the best at it.
The Teen: Mom…….
Me: Also, what if they suddenly ran into a giant body of water and there was a speedboat there and they could escape but now they can’t because they are a wolf and they can’t turn a key or use a steering wheel! It’s totally impractical!
The Teen: Mom, I just… this is not a logical argument. A werewolf would SWIM across the water, not jump in a boat.
Me: They don’t like to swim.
The Teen: Yes, they do.
Me: No, they aren’t good swimmers. They have too much hair, it gets all water-logged and makes them sink. Or else they are paddling like a Collie on the top and the werewolf slayer just shoots them in the head! A vampire would just hop in the speedboat and escape, easy-peasy.
The Teen: A vampire doesn’t even need to breathe, Mom, he wouldn’t get in the speedboat.
Me: THANK YOU - you just made my point! A SUPERIOR vampire would just sink and walk across the bottom of the river/ocean at his or her leisure… I’m glad you are here to help my argument.
The Teen: *stares at me*
Me: So, in conclusion, vampires are far superior to werewolves because along with their many other talents they can dial phones, enter passcodes, play hopscotch and drive speedboats. UNLIKE werewolves.
The Teen: *puts head in hands*

Act III - still in car, almost home

The Teen: I forgot to make the point about how they communicate TELEPATHICALLY with one another. THAT makes them superior to vampires.
Me: What if they need to talk to a human?
The Teen: What?
Me: A HUMAN. What if they need to talk to a human? Like Jacob needing to talk to Bella, in the book. He CAN’T. He just has to make meaningful dog-eyes at her. It’s lame.
The Teen: *sighs*
………long pause…………
Me: You know, if he had a Scrabble game, he could push the tiles around with his nose to form words if he had something REALLY important to say.
The Teen: Mom…
Me: Of course a vampire could just say it. Or type it. Or email it. Or text message it. Or draw it. Or do an interpretive dance about it. Or sing about it.
The Teen: *sighs again*

The End.