Dear Norman Gentle,
I would imagine that the judges are in the same weird place that I am in that you are obviously talented, wildly entertaining to watch, completely likable… and yet, so thoroughly not appropriate for this show.
And when Nick tried to sing it straight…and then couldn’t get through the song without your true Norman-ness bursting through in fit of Ethel Merman/Liza Minelli channeling wonder… ah, priceless. But not, you know, Idol.
Also, I feel required to point out that no self-respecting Man Diva would wear khaki shorts or that dreadful headband. The sparkle shirt and the old/new/retro/Kanye-esque glasses are remarkably (and regretably) trying to come back into style. Lord, spare us.
Your friend,
Deeples
ps. Can I suggest more JAZZ HANDS?
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Dear Nick,
It didn’t work for Paul Rubens (PeeWee Herman) and it didn’t work for RuPaul Andre Charles (The fabulous RuPaul). It’s not working for you.
Nick is as bland and boring and Norman is funny and endearing.
You started with Norman, you are going to have to stick with him and just ride the ride as far as it will go.
Your friend,
Deeples
Ps. More jazz hands!
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Dear Headband Boy Who Cries ALL The Time,
First of all, it’s driving me insane that I can’t figure out who you look like. Because you LOOK LIKE SOMEONE. Some kid in some movie… a western?… MY BRAIN IS MELTING FROM TRYING TO FIGURE IT OUT. Meanwhile, I’m dealing with the 1) headband 2) Twin Chin Spikies 3) the skin tight jeans with the bare feet 4) the purple pants 5) the endless array of scarves. It’s as if Steven Tyler, Cher and Pinhead are fighting for fashion dominence.
Honey… listen. I know you’ve had a hard life. I know you live with your Gram and your mom is in jail and no one accepts you because of your headband/spikies/scarves and I certainly agree that all people should have a place in life where they feel accepted and appreciated for who they are. I do!
HOWEVER. There is a little thing is life called COMPROMISE. If I want to be taken seriously and accepted by others, I don’t – for example – paint my face with chocolate frosting and fashion outfits out of double-ply toilet paper. It’s… you know… TOO MUCH. And if I did choose to break the fashion/social acceptance barrier and do my own thing, I damn well wouldn’t cry about it. If you want to be wacky ole Nathaniel, then do it! But do it with pride, damn it.
Your friend,
Deeples
ps. I’m never going to be ok with the headband.
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Dear Matt,
You, my dear, are my second favorite behind Danny. Certainly, you could move up because Danny has made it clear that he’s pretty sure he’s THE SHIT and while that was a turn on when I was 19, not so much now. You have a Buble-ness about you that is adorable and I love your voice. I love the idea of a dueling piano guy making the big time, while a bar full of adoring fans get to see their local guy make good.
HOWEVER.
The only thing… and every season I wrestle with this… is that… well, you’re already a professional.
..and I just can’t decide if that bugs me or not.
I think it does. Local boy dueling piano guy with 2 CDs out? Doesn’t have the same ring….
Your friend,
Deeples
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Dear Kristin,
You know, I kind of like that you are sort of awkward… and wear clothes that look like you dressed in the dark. I kind of like that you have that weird run/waddle/walk and the stupid stripey hair…because it makes you seem so human. Your social ineptitude and bizarre way of presenting yourself is… oddly likable.
You’ve got a little Melissa Joan Hart in you. A little Mena Survari…
We know you can sing and if we could connect to you as the girl next door… man, you could be the unlikely one that goes really far — the one that Simon called the “not pretty one” could take the whole thing.
HOWEVER.
What is THIS?
and this………………………….> 
and THIS: 
You were on Nashville Star and apparently finished 3rd?
So, what’s with the bumbling around? What’s with the faux nervousness and the cute little girl act?
I don’t like being duped, Kristin.
Your friend,
Deeples
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Dear Roughneck,
Congrats on making it into the Top 12. Honestly, I was hoping for Anoop.
I’m not convinced that you can really sing, but I do like your story – and you can thank Bruce Willis and the rest of the cast of “Armegdon” for that.
I’m not trying to be mean, but there is one image that comes to mind repeatedly when I look at you.
That is all.
Your friend,
Deeples
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Dear Carly and Michael,
Don’t ever EVER EVER EVER EVER do that again.
Your friend,
Deeples
