May 23, 2006

&%$@ – rated R for language

Filed under: American Idol,Life — Tags: , — denise @ 7:18 pm

*%@.$! -rated R for language

I love to cuss.

I can’t explain it.  I’m an intelligent woman. I’m fairly well read and I have a serviceable vocabulary. I was raised in a very conservative Roman Catholic family in which all my family members held college degrees, several of them doctorates. I try to have at least conversational levels of knowledge about politics, religion, history, science, literature, etc…. and yet, there is this little nugget of  trailer park in me.  I just LOVE to curse.

I cuss so much (particularly in the car, if you’ve ever been a passenger…) that I am actually sort of bored with the traditional swear words and have to create new ones.

My friend Matt introduced, “Fuckstick” to me about a year ago.  To that I’ve added, “Assbasket”. Some of them roll off the tongue nicely and others just don’t…work… and said in a fit of road rage, they just sound silly and not very threatening. These combinations have to be abandoned immediately because rage and giggling do not mix unless you are a serial killer.  “Bitchcow” was one of these that had to be abandoned. “Shitjerk” also just didn’t work.

There are certain words I don’t say… mainly those that begin with a “C” and one that begins with a “P” – that I just find… so distasteful. They make me so uncomfortable that there is absolutely no “release” in saying these words. Instead, I feel like taking a shower or cringing…

I, of course, LOVE the F-word. I mean, I’ll say it without even thinking sometimes.  I especially love when it sounds “explosive”.  I call that one “The Jackson” – it goes like this: “OooooOOOooooohhhhh  fck!” You have to drag out the ohh part and say the fuck part so fast that it hardly sounds like it has a vowel in it.  Go ahead, try it.  Try not to move your lips when you do it.  This one is perfect when you are frustrated or unpleasantly surprised.

Then there’s “The Stoner”. This one is when you are dumbfounded.  Said with your eyes open wide with shock and your mouth hanging open.


“The Machine Gun” is for bad situations that are about to get worse.  A cop behind you after you’ve had a few beers… realizing that traffic has stopped in front of you when the roads are iced over…


Recently, I’ve added a new word that isn’t new at all — it’s in fact been around since biblical times. It’s not exactly a cuss word, more of a degrading term – but it sounds so MEAN and so JUDGEMENTAL and so… just… BURN!… that it really hits the spot when I’m really upset and nothing else is making me feel better.  It works for men and for women….and it’s best said quietly and firmly.  Even whispering it sounds so hateful….

“You… whore.”

I know! It’s bad, right?  It’s just sounds so nasty!  And – I mean, who ever says, “Don’t use the “W” word” ? No one!   But this is how I know it’s bad… the other day in the car someone cut me off on the freeway and I let her have it.

“You… whore.” … and Peter, who has heard me use every bad word on the planet, looked at me shocked and said in this admonishing tone that I’d never heard before.

“Mooom…. Geez.”

Oooh. It was THAT bad.

I need to tone it down. I know I do. It’s very unladylike and really unflattering. It’s just that I have no vices left — I don’t play poker anymore… I don’t smoke… I don’t do drugs… I don’t drink….

but, boy, can I cuss.

May 22, 2006

10 of many

Filed under: Life — Tags: — denise @ 6:55 pm

10 of many…

There are some things you should just know when you are a grown up. There are hundreds of these somethings… here are just 10 off the top of my head today.

1.If someone invites you to dinner, you should ask if there is something you can bring. If it’s a dinner party, even if the host/hostess says “Just yourself.”, you should still bring a bottle of wine or some flowers.  Always offer to help clear the table and/or help with the dishes.  (If you are the host, thank everyone profusely for anything they bring and any offers to help pick up. Refuse their help unless they are related to you, your best friend or are clearly insisting on helping because they are uncomfortable with the crowd.)

2.Only assholes tailgate.

3. It’s ok to send food back to the kitchen at a restaurant if it’s not prepared properly or simply not good. Do not penalize the server for this. Even though they will virtually always remove this item from your bill – tip them as if they hadn’t.  However, ORDER RESPONSIBLY.  If you have never ordered an item before, ask the server questions about it – focusing on things that will particularly bother you.. i.e. is it spicy? is it salty? is it greasy?  If you don’t ask and you don’t read the description completely, you are a jerk if you send it back.

4. Do not ask people questions and then not listen to their response. If you don’t care what their answer is, do not waste their time asking in the first place.  – That said, “How are you?” should be answered with, “Fine. How are you?”  Acceptable substitutes are, “Ok.”, “Good.” “Not bad”, etc.  A litany of the ways you aren’t well are not in the range of acceptable responses. “How are you?”, is simply an acknowlegment of your existance. It’s not an actual question 99% of the time.

5. Say your sorry when you hurt someone, physically or emotionally – whether it was intentional or not – without exception.

6. If someone is waiting for your parking space in a busy parking lot, HURRY THE HELL UP – I’m not saying scramble and accidently forget your bag or run over a small child — but don’t chat on your cell or look through your CDs. Jesus.

7. Never say something unflattering to a parent about their child or spouse. Even if, especially if, they are ranting about their own child or spouse. Their rantings will be forgotten, your unkind words will not.

8. Do not call someone and say “Who is this?” when they answer the phone. YOU called THEM. You damn well better know who you called. Ask for the person with whom you wish you speak or apologize for mis-dialing.

9. When people loan you things they love – movies, books, CDs, etc – return them. Everyone suffers when people become afraid to share things with other people. Never “re-loan” something someone loaned you. Never loan something that isn’t yours.

10. Cover your mouth when you sneeze.  No exceptions.  If you are in a rare situation where you are, say, carrying a plama TV or a 5-tier wedding cake at the time of said sneeze, you still need to perform a ducking/sneeze into your own shirt maneuver. Armlessness is possibly an exception but only if prothetics have not been purchased.

May 19, 2006

5 notables from this week

Filed under: Life — denise @ 6:55 pm

5 notables from this week…

1. My best friend is finally coming home.  It’s hard when half your brain/heart/soul lives in Denver. It just is.

2. I don’t really care for Cracker Jacks.  I’m not sure I ever really liked them… but today I got some, and not only does it all taste like crap coated in sugar tar – but the “toy surprise” was a fact-sheet about Benjamin Franklin. HELLO?  Where’s my freakin’ tattoos, man?  I’ve been ROBBED.

3.  We had a big group at the house last night – 10 people standing in the kitchen and it’s LOUD – everyone’s talking to everyone else – at least 4, maybe 5 conversations going on at once.  There is a small sudden silence and our friend Matt says, “Is anyone here interested in FARM FRESH EGGS?”  Hilarity, man.  Turns out Matt knows a guy…..

4. If pressed to answer the question of whether I would prefer bendy straw hair or newspaper skin, I’d have to say bendy-straw.  I mean, what if it rained? Or there was a coupon I really, really needed? Ick.

5. If you are ever driving down the freeway and there is an ENDLESS jittering chingaling noise that you can’t locate, even after miles of almost running yourself and everyone else off the road while you check and recheck all the zippers on your purse and coat, resettle all your CDs, phone, sunglasses, etc – check for a pile of arcade tokens in the handle of the passenger door. It might be that.

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