*%@.$! -rated R for language
I love to cuss.
I can’t explain it. I’m an intelligent woman. I’m fairly well read and I have a serviceable vocabulary. I was raised in a very conservative Roman Catholic family in which all my family members held college degrees, several of them doctorates. I try to have at least conversational levels of knowledge about politics, religion, history, science, literature, etc…. and yet, there is this little nugget of trailer park in me. I just LOVE to curse.
I cuss so much (particularly in the car, if you’ve ever been a passenger…) that I am actually sort of bored with the traditional swear words and have to create new ones.
My friend Matt introduced, “Fuckstick” to me about a year ago. To that I’ve added, “Assbasket”. Some of them roll off the tongue nicely and others just don’t…work… and said in a fit of road rage, they just sound silly and not very threatening. These combinations have to be abandoned immediately because rage and giggling do not mix unless you are a serial killer. “Bitchcow” was one of these that had to be abandoned. “Shitjerk” also just didn’t work.
There are certain words I don’t say… mainly those that begin with a “C” and one that begins with a “P” – that I just find… so distasteful. They make me so uncomfortable that there is absolutely no “release” in saying these words. Instead, I feel like taking a shower or cringing…
I, of course, LOVE the F-word. I mean, I’ll say it without even thinking sometimes. I especially love when it sounds “explosive”. I call that one “The Jackson” – it goes like this: “OooooOOOooooohhhhh fck!” You have to drag out the ohh part and say the fuck part so fast that it hardly sounds like it has a vowel in it. Go ahead, try it. Try not to move your lips when you do it. This one is perfect when you are frustrated or unpleasantly surprised.
Then there’s “The Stoner”. This one is when you are dumbfounded. Said with your eyes open wide with shock and your mouth hanging open.
“Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck….”
“The Machine Gun” is for bad situations that are about to get worse. A cop behind you after you’ve had a few beers… realizing that traffic has stopped in front of you when the roads are iced over…
“Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck”
Recently, I’ve added a new word that isn’t new at all — it’s in fact been around since biblical times. It’s not exactly a cuss word, more of a degrading term – but it sounds so MEAN and so JUDGEMENTAL and so… just… BURN!… that it really hits the spot when I’m really upset and nothing else is making me feel better. It works for men and for women….and it’s best said quietly and firmly. Even whispering it sounds so hateful….
“You… whore.”
I know! It’s bad, right? It’s just sounds so nasty! And – I mean, who ever says, “Don’t use the “W” word” ? No one! But this is how I know it’s bad… the other day in the car someone cut me off on the freeway and I let her have it.
“You… whore.” … and Peter, who has heard me use every bad word on the planet, looked at me shocked and said in this admonishing tone that I’d never heard before.
“Mooom…. Geez.”
Oooh. It was THAT bad.
I need to tone it down. I know I do. It’s very unladylike and really unflattering. It’s just that I have no vices left — I don’t play poker anymore… I don’t smoke… I don’t do drugs… I don’t drink….
but, boy, can I cuss.