deeples

I have to admit, I kind of love “MTV Cribs”.   I think we all know by now that I’m a reality show junkie.   The only two that I watch on MTV, and then only occasionally, are “MTV Cribs” and “Run’s House”.  Cribs, because I am wildly facinated by other people’s taste or lack thereof… as well as how much money truly talentless people can really make.  Run’s House, because I am inexplicably sucked into the vortex of this extremely wealthy family of really loving people, and grown children that still refer to their parents as “Mommy and Daddy” and a mom who just kind of slugs around the house while the kids start new clothing empires and Run DMC walks around being a preacher….

Here’s a common exchange in this family:

20-something daughter:  I’m going to remodel our entire apartment.  Also, today I’m going to become a famous model. 

18 year old daughter:  You better ask Daddy first.  I’m going to start my own magazine.

20-something daughter:  I think I’ll ask Mommy instead.

A child named Diggy:  I think I’ll start my own line of tennis shoes and sell all my toys to neighborhood kids.

A teenager named JoJo: As long as that doesn’t interfere with me starting my own Rap label.  Also, if I lose my cologne, I get very angry. I take my fragrences very seriously.

A child named Russy:  Why do we all have strange names?  I like to hide things.

Rev Run:  The Lord likes it that way.  Go ask Mommy.

Wife, Justine:  (slurrily)  I’m tired.  And hungry.  And tired.  I wish I had a burrito.  I need a massage. I’m going to bed.  Go ask Daddy.

You probably think I’m kidding BUT THAT IS THE AMAZING PART!!!

I’m totally not.

The bizarreness of it is absolutely rivoting to me… which brings me to MTV Cribs and why this has anything to do with American Idol and Mariah Carey…

So, Mariah was on Cribs one time and it was just… ok…. she has this closet that is so big, my entire house could fit in it. In this closet lives, I don’t know, maybe 10,000 pairs of shoes – of which about 9,999 of them are the most hooker/stripper/6-inch heel things you have ever seen. I think she had one pair of flip-flops for church or something.

Ok- so we get the tour and of course everything is pink and fluffy and looks like a 12 year old girl designed it and there are tiny, mean-looking dogs everywhere… and large black men with sunglasses and what appear to be holstered guns… and random less-good-looking “friends” draped about the place… you know, her posse.  And she talks and points at stuff (mostly her bath tub) but it’s such useless drivel that I don’t remember any of it except that she goes into that closet and puts on a pair of enormous heels and then GETS ON HER STAIRMASTER.  And then does a whole segment of the program about her shoes and her closet and stupid, nasty dogs WHILE BOUNCING UP AND DOWN ON THE STAIRMASTER IN THESE SHOES:

She doesn’t break a sweat. She doesn’t even get breathy.

Doesn’t this blow your mind?  If this doesn’t blow your mind, then why don’t you try riding a unicycle while making an omelet over open flame and reciting the alphabet backward while you pluck your own eyebrows, because I tell you this:  It’s the most impressive thing I’ve ever seen her do.

It’s been reported by many, many sources that Carly Smithson will be singing…

 *** spoiler alert – don’t read if you don’t want to know***

“Without You”

“Without You” was originally recorded by Badfinger and went on to be covered by many, many people including Donny Osmond, Clay Aiken, Heart, Air Supply, and Kelly Clarkson.  Evidently, American Idol loves this song.  I would expect Carly to do a Heart version as opposed to a Donny Osmond version, but a girl can hope, no?   I expect a fully extended forehead vein, tonight.  [of course]

But this is going to be a tough night for the boys, I think… Archie can do “I’ll Be There” which was originally done by his future self  Michael Jackson.  I told my friend Jules that he originally did “Without You”, which was totally wrong and I’m pretty sure she knew that because she just nodded sort of uncertainly and went “Oh. Hum. Really. Huh. I don’t remember him doing that song for some reason. Hum.” … which is about as mean as Julie is capable of.  So, in the hope of convincing her, I started singing it in what I hoped was a Michael Jackson-ish way… waving my arms about…  “Doesn’t it sound like the 50’s?”, I said – WHICH DOESN’T EVEN MAKE SENSE – but somehow I needed to convince her and in the end she just went, “Oh, ok!”  and then we talked about her new bra… so, you know, a typical conversation for us…

I’d like to see David Cook to do “Hero”….  word is, his older brother, who is losing a horrible battle to brain cancer, will be at the show tonight.  He and his wife were denied traveling commercially and a local group donated the cost of a private plane and medical assitance to travel with him – to the tune of about $80,000….  he is quite ill and tonight will certainly prove to be a tear-jerker in that regard, I suspect.  I would think that David will dedicate his song tonight to his brother… and this song would bring down the house.

For Jason, “The Beautiful Ones” — which was written by Prince.   Oh my god… if he could just, you know, stop smirking… and just ooooooooooze this out with a glint in his eye and a snarl on his lips and a little swagger… well, I would just flip out.   And throw my bra.  [of course]

Syesha… “With You I’m Born Again” would suit her so well…. she could kill with this.

Kristi Lee… “Through The Rain”…    I don’t know the song, but it sounds like an appropriate title…

and finally Brooke,  “I Still Believe”… because I do… and she should… and it’s a good song and maybe, just maybe she won’t make THE FACE.

Wouldn’t it be awesome if Mariah was totally high tonight?  Oh! And if Paula was, too… like, if they had a big Pretty-colored Pills Potluck before the show and washed it all down with some Dom and they both stumbled around and then tried to sing each other’s songs -Mariah will do “Straight Up” and Paula will do “Butterfly” and then they will fall into a giant pile of fake hair and bad make up and the crazy will spill all over the stage and infect Ryan … who will attempt to give everyone icecream pops and then claim his earpiece was broken???  Like that.

*rubs hands together*

This is either going to be great, or I’m going to throw myself off the roof – tonight, there is nothing in between, kids.   We are going for broke.