Scene: Walking out to the car after seeing Twilight, last night, with my almost 17 year old son.
The Teen: Oh my god, that movie was sooo good.
Me: I know! I would totally make out with Edward Cullen.
The Teen: (clamps hands over ears) MOM! He’s 17!
Me: No, he’s 107. I’m totally YOUNG for him.
The Teen: I guess. I guess you would be young to a vampire.
Me: TO A VAMPIRE?!!!! RUDE!!!!
The Teen: I meant, you know, ANY vampire.
Me: This is not helping.
Act II – in the car, driving home.
The Teen: Who’s better: vampires or werewolves?
The Teen: WEREWOLVES!!
Me: No way! Vampires get to be strong and fast and deadly but also HOT. *grinning*
The Teen: Werewolves are WAY scarier. They are big and faster than vampires – they could rip a vampire TO SHREDS.
Me: Untrue. Also, they have to get all wolfie so they rip up their clothes and they always end up naked somewhere when they change back. It’s totally inconvenient and clearly makes them weaker.
The Teen: So what? They are more ferocious and they don’t care if they are naked. (makes werewolf face at me) RAWR!!!!!
Me: When they wolf out, they don’t have fingers anymore! What if they needed to make a phone call? Or, or… what if they suddenly came to a door that had a passcode and they had to try to put the passcode in their their big slimy noses?
The Teen: MOM – why would a werewolf change BEFORE they went through a door with a passcode? When would a werewolf have to make a phone call? That doesn’t even make sense!
Me: No, I mean… they were already changed and chasing something or maybe a werewolf slayer was chasing THEM. And they need to call a friend for a ride or get through a passcode door? THEY ARE TOTALLY SCREWED.
The Teen: That would never happen.
Me: WHATEVER! It totally could. And they could never play hopscotch. Being all giant and wolfy with legs and tails everywhere.
The Teen: (exasperated) Werewolves do NOT play hopscotch.
Me: You mean, they CAN’T. Vampires can. In fact, they are probably the best at it.
The Teen: Mom…….
Me: Also, what if they suddenly ran into a giant body of water and there was a speedboat there and they could escape but now they can’t because they are a wolf and they can’t turn a key or use a steering wheel! It’s totally impractical!
The Teen: Mom, I just… this is not a logical argument. A werewolf would SWIM across the water, not jump in a boat.
Me: They don’t like to swim.
The Teen: Yes, they do.
Me: No, they aren’t good swimmers. They have too much hair, it gets all water-logged and makes them sink. Or else they are paddling like a Collie on the top and the werewolf slayer just shoots them in the head! A vampire would just hop in the speedboat and escape, easy-peasy.
The Teen: A vampire doesn’t even need to breathe, Mom, he wouldn’t get in the speedboat.
Me: THANK YOU – you just made my point! A SUPERIOR vampire would just sink and walk across the bottom of the river/ocean at his or her leisure… I’m glad you are here to help my argument.
The Teen: *stares at me*
Me: So, in conclusion, vampires are far superior to werewolves because along with their many other talents they can dial phones, enter passcodes, play hopscotch and drive speedboats. UNLIKE werewolves.
The Teen: *puts head in hands*
Act III – still in car, almost home
The Teen: I forgot to make the point about how they communicate TELEPATHICALLY with one another. THAT makes them superior to vampires.
Me: What if they need to talk to a human?
The Teen: What?
Me: A HUMAN. What if they need to talk to a human? Like Jacob needing to talk to Bella, in the book. He CAN’T. He just has to make meaningful dog-eyes at her. It’s lame.
The Teen: *sighs*
Me: You know, if he had a Scrabble game, he could push the tiles around with his nose to form words if he had something REALLY important to say.
The Teen: Mom…
Me: Of course a vampire could just say it. Or type it. Or email it. Or text message it. Or draw it. Or do an interpretive dance about it. Or sing about it.
The Teen: *sighs again*