deeples

I have a neighbor named Joe, but I don’t mean him.

And I’m super keen on a couple of guys named Barack and Joe… but I don’t mean him, either.

What I mean is the neighborhood Joe’s Market & Deli store that serves the hundreds of people that live in my neighborhood, the breakdown of which is:

90% Students, living in rentals

9% Young couples and families living in their first purchased homes that they have now out-grown but due to the shiteously doomed housing market that has now been compounded and consumed by the shiteously doomed economy, are now forced to live in for the next decade… even though the bathroom (with it’s window and shiny, porcelain “bed”) is starting to look like a viable 3rd bedroom.

1% Crazy old man, living off the grid,  who is also a water-thief.

(Are you noting how science-ish I’m being, and mathy, too?)

Keeping that scientific breakdown of demographic analysis in mind, this is what you CAN and CAN NOT get at Joe’s:

Can get: A single red bell pepper, for a mere $3.29 (probability that a college student would know this is wildly over-priced off-set by likelihood college student would want to buy it, anyway)

Can’t get: Diapers, wipes, bottles, formula, baby food. Really, anything baby related.  There are condoms available for purchase though, which is baby related in a antithesis sort of way.

Can get: Every form of single can/bottled beverage ever conceived of, including every flavor of Jones sodas, all fruit drinks, teas, sodas and waters. I’ve even seen the Roasted Turkey and Pumpkin Pie flavors of Jones soda on their shelves.

Can’t get: Anything “Caffeine-Free”, even popular caffeine-free Coke products are not available for purchase.  Because, clearly, things without caffeine are for pussies.

Can get: Exact directions to the nearest keg tapping. And an invite to join in.

Can’t get: Tomatoes.  Not even ones that cost $3.29 a piece.

Can get: Cap’n Crunch, Doritos, soy products, bakery items, frozen pizzas, Kraft macaroni & cheese

Can’t get: TUMS, mandarin oranges, english muffins, grapes…

Scientific conclusion:  9% of our neighborhood should not attempt shopping at Joe’s.*

(1% of us doesn’t use what we “sell-outs” refer to as “money”, anyway.)

*Unless hung-over, childless, devoid of nutrition, and looking to PAR-TAY. **

** Which, totally describes a college student… so, if that describes YOU and you aren’t one, you should consider taking a GOOD, LONG, HARD*** look at your life, buddy.

***That’s what she said.