Itchy & Scratchy
I am both Itchy AND Scratchy. I am also Weepy, Cussy, Yelly, and Lunaticy. I spent 2 days sleeping and now I’ve spent the last 2 days NOT SLEEPING and instead crying on the couch at 3am, piling bags of corn and green beans and peas on my feet, hands and ankles and spitting and snarling at anyone who tries to approach me. I now believe, INTENSELY, that itching is far, far, FAR worse than pain. Pain, you can dull enough to sleep at night with pills or booze. Pain, you can just sort of succumb to… but itching… constant, unforgiving itching will truly make a person insane.
I can’t swear to this, but it’s possible that if someone had offered to just saw my legs off below the knee for me last night, I would have at least considered the offer. Sincerely. I would have been more comfortable laying naked in an ant-pile while chickens pecked my eyes and David Archubarfa sang “It’s a Small World” in my ear…
The real question is, what the hell am I going to do with 4 bags of thawed vegetables?
What Matt Said
I still laugh when I think about an email my friend Matt sent me regarding my infusions. He wrote:
“Infusion sounds so innocuous – you usually hear it in terms of adding scents: “this product is infused with the scent of lilacs and grandma’s apple pie.”
How can something that sounds so pleasant be so awful?”
I agree. The old treatment used to be called “Dextran” – which totally sounded like a Decepticon or a villainous android. The new one, Venofur, sounds like a sweet little fairy’s name. Or maybe a wittle kitty. Or a tiny wittle kitty with butterfly wings!
To the makers of iron infusions I say, “ DON’T SCAM ME, BUB.”
Let’s just call it “Black Screaming Willies” and be done with it.
(The stuff is actually black, did I tell you that?)
<— This is it.
Kory: (looking at The Baby this morning) Look at her!
Me: Cute, huh?
Kory: She’s the most adorable thing EVER. We made that!
Me: They should pay us to reproduce.
Kory: I know!