Actual conversations between The Teen and I, as we were in the car driving home from a rollercoaster-ride of parent/teacher conferences. The Teen missed a considerable amount of school due to Mono and there was a horrible snafu in which the school thought he was going to be home-schooled and I planned to send him back and all his teachers showed him dropped from their classes… this combined with him having TONS of missed assignments to make up, etc. I told The Teen he would have to be dying of leprosy to miss another day of class this year.
He shaved his head in protest.
Anyway, some of his teachers were nice. Some were horrid. Most just wanted to see The Teen get back on track any way possible.
Our conversations, in 3 parts:
Part 1
(in the gym, still at conferences after meeting his extra-lovely science teacher)
Me: Well, I can see why you sighed as walked over to her table.
The Teen: I told you.
Me: She was a total asshole.
The Teen: I TOLD YOU!!!
Me: I mean, really. Who did she think she was talking to?
The Teen: (chuckles) I saw you freaking out.
Me: You have to do everything she said. Make up all the work. Take every make-up test…
The Teen: Ok… (dejected)
Me: Because if you ever make me have to talk to that BitchMasterFlash again, I’ll kill you.
Part 2
(in the car, driving home)
Me: So, you are ready for those quizzes?
The Teen: Cervix.
Me: Testes.
The Teen: Scrotum.
Me: Fallopian tube.
The Teen: I think I’m ready.
Me: VULVA!
The Teen: Mom! I said I’m all ready for the quizzes.
Part 3
(still in the car, watching The Teen on his cell phone)
Me: Who are you texting? (he loves when I ask him this)
The Teen: Laina. I think. I’m pretty sure.
Me: You met her on-line?
The Teen: Yeah. We’re just friends.
Me: Where does she live? In this state?
The Teen: Um. I know she lives in Detroit…. so that’s…. Michegan! Only a mere Great Lake away…
Me: Don’t even think about it.
The Teen: She’s moving to Germany, anyway.
Me: GERMANY?! Why?
The Teen: Psssshhht. I don’t know. Some foreign student something something…
Me: Did you tell her your mom was born in Germany?
The Teen: No.
Me: WHAT?! Don’t you think that’s cool? That I was born there and she’s moving there?
The Teen: Well, you weren’t actually born IN Germany. Since you were born on the Air Force Base.
Me: I WAS TOO! It was American soil, but it was still IN THE COUNTY OF GERMANY.
The Teen: So, you’re Germanese.
Me: WHAT? NO!
The Teen: You’re U. S. G. !! You’re from the United States of Germany.
Me: NO! WHAT?! NO. I HAD GERMAN CITIZENSHIP!
The Teen: So, you’re not American.
Me: @”@#($&”@*#&@ ….. notices him smiling to himself….
THAT, ladies and gentlemen is how you avoid telling your mother who you are texting.
