The Baby « deeples

August 28, 2008

As bad as it is hot, it’s worse cold.

Filed under: The Baby — Tags: barf, barf bowl, puke, ralph, The Baby, topless, vomit — denise @ 11:59 am

The Baby…. the poor, poor baby… has had a terrible stomach something for 2 days. She also has a double ear-infection. Which they think is causing the vomiting. The vomiting. The vomiting. The vomiting. The vomiting. Oh yeah, did I mention the vomiting?

If you have a kid, you’ve been there. You’ve carried the barf bowl around your house. We are forward-thinkers so we have 2 bowls so that they can be swapped out quickly if needed. Once she pukes in one, if she’s still gagging you try to shove the used bowl in front of her face to catch it, she sees what’s already in it she almost knocks it out of your hands saying, “NO NO NO NO!”

In your terror that you will ACTUALLY DROP THE BOWL OF VOMIT, you miss the next projectile…

So, we’ve learned she needs a fresh, clean bowl to hurl into. Nothing but the best for our girl.

Really, it’s shocking what a 28 pound baby that HAS NOT EATEN IN 2 DAYS is able to create and orally fling around our house. We’ve all changed our clothes I don’t know how many times. Peeled bedding and blankets off beds and couches, wiped up floors, washed off shoes.

Really, it’s like a baby vomit smart bomb has gone off in our house.

This happened last night:

Kory was carrying the baby into her room to get a diaper and I hear it ………RRRAAALLLLGGG!

Kory: The baby just threw up on me again!

Me: YOU DIDN’T HAVE THE BOWL?!

Kory: … and herself….

Me: DUDE. THE BOWL?

Kory: I was just getting a diaper. She seemed fine.

Me: SINCE THE LAST TIME SHE THREW UP 10 MINUTES AGO? YOU MUST NOT TRAVEL WITHOUT THE BOWL.

Kory: *sighs heavily*

Me: Here, give her to me. Has she had anything to drink?

[I must insert, here, that the doctor told us that morning to keep giving her sips of liquid every 10 minutes or so even if she throws it up because she will absorb at least a little and it will help prevent dehydration]

Kory: I’ll give her a sip now. (and he does- a slurp of cold, flat Sprite…also doctor recommended)

Me: Ok – go change your clothes and I’ll hold her. She doesn’t look too bad, we can just wipe her up this time instead of changing her. It only got her a tiny bit.

[Kory leaves to go get clothes from the dryer, in the basement.]

I’m still in the bedroom wiping her up.

WITHOUT THE BOWL.

…and…. RRRRRAAAAALG!

Not just on me. Not just on my shirt, but somehow amazingly aimed so that the entire projectile goes down the front of my shirt, into the cup of my bra between my boobs. And it’s COLD. It’s a puddle of cold ralph.

Me: KOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORY!!!!!!!!! HELP!!!!!!!!

Kory: I’m downstairs! (from far away)

Me: I KNOW WHERE YOU ARE, DAMMIT! THERE IS BARF RUNNING DOWN MY BOOBS!

The Baby: *face crumpling because I am yelling* Waaaaah!!!

Me: Oh, Monkey. Mommy’s sorry. I’m sorry, sweetie. This is just really disgusting. It’s not your fault.

Me: Ok, I’m setting her down!!

…RRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAALGGGGG!!!.…….

and now, she’s barfed all over herself and the floor…

I rip her shirt off her and my shirt and bra off… and Kory runs in and that’s when I realize that we are all topless, and sticky with cold flat Sprite baby puke.

“So,” Kory says, correctly sizing up the situation, “I guess you didn’t have the bowl.”

Comments (4)

August 5, 2008

Boysenberry Poundcake, Jerkface!

Filed under: Blogging,The Baby — Tags: accessories, ambrosia, apple dumplin, barack, beeware, blueberry muffin, boysenberry, creme bushe, doll, hair, pet, poundcake, strawberry shortcake, yoghurt — denise @ 11:30 pm

If my daughter had a hero, a GREAT LOVE… it would be Strawberry Shortcake. She owns several things (that I am sure were sanctioned by Strawberry, herself) like: Strawberry Blowup Thingy ala Minnesota State Fair ’07 and Strawberry socks and Strawberry books. But the great love, the THING THAT MAKES TIME ITSELF STOP (if time= screaming tired toddler wailing, “BABY! BABY! BABY!”. Rinse. Repeat.) is her hair.

Our darling girl has a bit of a “hair fetish” which probably has nothing or everything to do with the fact that I have long hair but WHATEVER… and will now only go to sleep while holding hair of some sort, which is right up there with other brilliant parental decisions like the time I decided to cut The Teen’s hair (back when he was 7 years old) at midnight when I was dead on my feet and almost cut one of his ears off. And yes, there was blood and crying. Yes. I know. Go ahead and gloat now over your fantastical parentitude. Just WAIT. Your time will come.

ANYWAY, Kory got the brilliant idea of buying a doll that has hair that The Baby can hang on to while she falls asleep and he bought her this:

And it was an actual miracle.

She LOVED this Strawberry baby and her tons of Strawberry hair and her Strawberry scent.

After much loving and twisting and grabbing and slobbering, she looks more like this, now.

Except without the rapper/millionaire husband and yachts and shit.

So, when I decided to go Mild Wild a few weeks ago and add some pinky/purpley/reddish stripes to my hair, The Baby was immediately interested.

Had Mommy, in fact, moved to the Berrypatch?

Was she berry, berry happy to be making new berry friends in Strawberry Land?

This is Strawberry Shortcake, kids:

This is her bio:

Strawberry Shortcake is a berry sweet , spunky red-haired girl with enough optimism to fill a strawberry field! She believes things are growing better all the time, and puts her heart into all she does! No wonder she has so many berry good friends!

This is MY new persona…

This is her bio:

Boysenberry Poundcake (or Boyz, to her friends) is a latecomer to Strawberry Land. She is a 37 year old throwback with a newly developed tic in her right eye! She can’t remember if she should take potassium for that or NOT take potassium so she is avoiding bananas, which is her natural inclination, anyway. Boyz does not concern herself with tea parties and sleepovers like Blueberry Muffin and Apple Dumplin’. In fact, Boysenberry and her big ass would just as soon read a good book and have a berry nice evening cocktail.

Like all good inhabitants of Strawberry Land, Boysenberry Poundcake has her own pet! Strawberry Shortcake has her kitty Custard and her doggie Pupcake!