It wasn’t great. And I didn’t throw myself off the roof. It was… boring… it was vanilla ice cream served with vanilla sauce on a pile of plain white bread on a generic paper plate while Kenny G plays in the background boring. I was braced for horrible and hoping for greatness and instead got…..bleh. The performances were bleh.
So, let’s talk about them! (All images,today, courtesy of Kormaster Flash.)
Ryan starts off with the Mariah promo bit in which he describes her career not unlike a Monster Truck Rally. She is an “UNSTOPPABLE FORCE!” who “POWERED HER WAY TO THE TOP!” and “DOMINATING THE CHARTS!” In the same breath that he states that she surpassed Elvis in all time #1 hits by a solo artist, he also mentions that her new #1 is called, “Touch My Body“… and there was a little rumble down in Memphis as The King rolled over in his grave a few times.
Then we get to see Mariah enter the practice room to meet the kids with the afore mentioned nasty little dog. And, oh, by the way… she’s not totally dressed like Sandy from Grease, right? Like, I am imagining that, right?
She doesn’t seem stoned, which is total disappointment, but she does appear to be speaking Preteenese.
Like, I am totally, like, not into judging, like anyone, ok? So, just, you know, think of me as your friend, who, like, you know sings songs for a living and like occasionally, like writes a song. Ok?
Hmmm. Yeah.
So, GUESS WHO IS UP FIRST? Archubarfa! And guess what? He looked like he ALWAYS looks… like he’s about to cry and throw up and poop his pants all the the same time. He immediately busts out a Dr. Seussian / Wayne’s World / Napoleon Dynamite stutter-fest. Here are some direct quotes to the camera and to Mariah:
“Meeting Mariah Carey.
Was really scarey.”
(There’s a Wocket in my pocket!)
“Because I feel like I’m not worthy.”
(We’re not worthy! We’re not worthy! Party on Wayne. Party on Garth.)
“Oh… I… I… I listen to your music.. um a LOT…. Wooooooo!”
(A Liger is a magical beast. Want some ‘tots?)
Ok — enough with this horrible David Archuleta as a teen idol. I am telling you that this poor kid is mentally a child. He is. A small child that loves to listen to Mariah Carey music… he sure is sweet, but there is something WRONG with this kid. Am I the only one that sees this? He looks like he lives in a perpetual state of fear and confusion and always seems like he’s cringing because he’s waiting for the next blow to come. It’s… it’s…. yeeech… it’s distasteful. He’s in the wrong world, right now.
David Archubarfa “When You Believe”
On the positive side, I will say that I think Archie could have a lucrative and perhaps easier time of it if he went into Christian music. I could really see him in one of those commercials for the latest “Praise Volume 17” CD that show all the people weeping and waving their hands in the air and him beaming from the stage. I really think that’s the way for him to go and possibly the best way for him to not become a crazy man that buys other people’s bones and has sleepovers with small children.
On the other side, in leiu of talking about the BOOGER IN HIS NOSE or the fact that after he sang Seacrest had to ask Wittle Davey if hims was able to eat some din-din because hims so scared hims doesn’t eat on singin’ day… and Wittle Davey said that yes, hims was able to make himself eat a wittle tiny bit, I will instead say that this might have happened in my house:
Me: Oh my god. ARE THOSE LEATHER PANTS? They can’t be leather pants! They have giant slacks pleats in the front! And he’s wearing…like… high top tennis shoes! And this is a Jesus Song! You can’t wear black leather pants while performing a Jesus Song!
Kory: They might be leather pants.
Me: But… but…. they are so wrong.
Carly Smithson “Without You”
The only prediction that I got right… and only because it was leaked. They never take my suggestions….
So, this is the basic run-down. Carly flirted with me. Carly got me excited. Carly acted like a little somethin’-somethin’ was going to happen and then Carly rolled over and went to sleep and started snoring.
This is what that sounds like:
Oh! Oh! This is going to be good! Oh, listen to her! Oh! It’s good! It’s…. what’s happening? It was… but… I thought that we… hey!… I thought that …. sigh…..
I was waiting for her to bring down the house and it just sort of rolled over and laid there like a big wet noodle. I had whatever the ear/music version is of blue-balls. It was most frustrating. I did like her necklace… reminded me of the one in Beauty and the Beast. But the black tights? Really? BLACK TIGHTS? Who is responsible for dressing these people from the waist down?? I also re-listened to the vocals… and it was pretty wretched. She screamed it and forced it and it’s probably why that vein is always popping out. Maybe talent isn’t REALLY effortless. Maybe all truly great performers have to put out a lot of effort — but the difference is that they don’t LOOK like they are.
I think Carly is going home tonight.
Syesha Mercado – “Vanishing”
I liked that she picked an unknown… it’s so.. unlike Syesha to do that I’m pleased that she’s found in herself the ability to feel humility. To not assume that she can sing anything better than the original performer that made it famous. I think if she’d done one of Mariah’s signature songs, she would have opened herself up to the scrutiny of comparison.
I think this song showed some of her best qualities of restraint and that AAaaAAaaHAAHAAHAAHaaHAH part where she sort of scrunched over and bobbed up and down was pretty killer. Thumbs done on the gold lame dress, though. Nice job on this song, though!
Ok- but what and who was that guy in the audience? They panned to him after her performance and he was wildly shaking his head back and forth like someone from Scanners. It was so freakish that I had to watch it like 10 times.
Brooke White – “Hero”
First of all, this was David’s song. Jerk.
Also, it was really not good. I just don’t feel like I can give her any more free passes on these really sub-par performances. It seemed like she totally rushed through the performance.
You know it’s bad when Randy says, “Brooke White in the house!” — Kiss of death.
You know it’s bad when Paula talks like there is a period after ever word she says. “Brooke. You. Are. So. Special. You’re. Voice. Is. So. Identifiable.”
Is that a compliment, really? Because you know else has a voice that is So. Identifiable.? Roseann Barr. Gilbert Godfried. Mike Tyson. Phyllis Diller.
And then she made this face:
It’s an interesting combination of THE FACE and HEY! FUCK YOU, BUDDY!
If she gets through this week, maybe she’s finally mad enough to be good.
Kristi Lee Cook – “Forever”
Another gold lame dress? Fake Barbi hair?
I can’t even bag on her. I thought this was a great performance for her. I thought she was so done several weeks ago… but she held on for a few crucial weeks and has been much better the last few performances.
David Cook – “Always Be My Baby”
Do you know what they call David Cook fans?
They call ’em “Cookies”
How cute is that? Cookies! I’m a Cookie. I admit it.
I didn’t love this song. It was just ok for me. He sounded very Eddie Vedder… and I was a tiny bit bunged that he kept saying “Baaaybuh.” “I’ll always be your BAAAYBUH.” You know? Annoying. But I’m a Cookie. And he’s TOTALLY BOSS. So, enough said.
They did pan to his family and you could see a pretty frail looking guy kind of feebly clapping and looking kind of out of it… and I suppose that had to have been his brother… and by the time Seacrest came over, David was visibly trying not to cry.
Which, of course meant I was visibly trying not to cry… and trying not to think that the whole Cook family must be cranally cursed – David with his Giant Alien Space Noggin and his brother with brain cancer… which is how I stop myself from being sad or crying… I try to think of the most inappropriate or offensive thing I can… and I’m remarkably good at it. I’m trying to imagine the collective lack of shock everyone is experiencing from that admission.
Jason Castro – “I Don’t Want To Cry”
It wasn’t what I was really hoping for… but it was, IMHO, the most adult performance he’s given in quite a while. It was serious and he seemed to feel the lyrics and anyone who can sing convincingly about not wanting to cry again over someone they love too much to let go, but who makes them miserable has certainly lived through that experience before. I don’t know anyone who hasn’t felt that way about someone, somewhere…. some of us, have had the lovely pleasure of falling into that particular pit of hell more than once… and the point is, I felt that from him. I felt that he gave a genuine performance. I don’t know what the judges said because my TiVo didn’t capture the end, but I liked it just fine.
Tiny point of notable *shrug* notableness… is it just me?
(I will not look John Travolta's enormous package. I will not look at John Travolta's enormous package.)
Tonight, I think it’s Ms. Carly’s turn to go…. and Mimi’s singin’… and maybe we’ll get a little smidgen of Cookie’s brother.
but I prefer to still think of it as this: 