deeples

October 3, 2008

Survivor – Week 1 – Part 1 Recap

Filed under: Survivor,Uncategorized — Tags: , , — denise @ 10:06 am

You no like recaps?! (please say this in your mind like Hank Azaria in “The Birdcage”)

I like recaps.

You no like Survivor? (seriously, do it.  Oh, and fan yourself sort of dramatically while you do!)

I like Survivor.  I also participate in and run a Survivor pool most seasons and part of their buy-in is the promise of a weekly recap and I’m not going let the fact that I am wildly behind sway me.

First of all, I’m going to go out on a limb here and go ON RECORD that I’m pretty solidly sure that the vehicle that they give away this season will be a Kia BURREGO.  I know what you’re thinking.  You’re thinking that a Burrego sounds like something you would order with a side of sour cream.  Or maybe like a poorly bred donkey.  You’d be wrong.  You’d like to see one?  WEEEELLL, that’s easy!

Go to the Survivor webpage on cbs.com and you’ll see that vehicle about 40 times.  From different angles. Did you know that Kia has the “power to surprise”?  I bet you didn’t!  CASE IN POINT.

Did you know that the Burrego is a “new kind of luxury SUV?”  THE POWER TO SURPRISE STRIKES AGAIN!

Moving on…..

The gang arrive in their street clothes, as usual.  Will someone please explain to my WHY they don’t all show up in street clothes that just happen to be pants that have detachable legs that turn into shorts? And 10 pairs of underpants? And a tank top covered by a tshirt covered by a sweater covered by a hoodie covered by a puffy vest?

Let’s just say for kicks that Survivor frowns upon such accidentally helpful clothing for a 39 day stay on an island or in the wilderness– and your street clothes have to be just that.  What’s wrong with jeans/sweats and a long sleeve tshirt?  Or even more to the point, what in the name of Probst are they doing showing up in 3-piece suits and skirts with blazers?  Why would one wear a tiny pin-up dress?  Is one, perhaps, hoping that there will be a Janet Jackson-esque “wardrobe malfunction” that will benefit one’s career?  Surely, surely they would think far enough ahead to realize that there is no way such a garment would last a month in the wilderness.  Surely, these men had something other than thousand dollar suits to wear to dig in sand for puzzle pieces. Right? RIGHT?!

So, my current theory is that they are told to show up for a televised interview and then suddenly whisked to Africa, because anything else makes me want to punch myself in the face.

Moving on (again)…

Probst asks them to introduce himself.  We discover almost immediately that Randy is a total turd-bucket. But sort of a smart turd-bucket who is only candid with the camera.  I likes it.   Crystal, the Olympic medalist says she won’t tell people about her SUPREME ATHLETICISM *cough*  and Corinne reveals that she plans to the bitchiest bitch in the bitch history of Bitchivor.  I briefly pause to consider past season women that trip the bitch fantastic and I realize that almost always they have curly dark brown hair!!  And I plan to make a point of telling everyone my curly dark brown hair bitch theory until I remember that *ahem* I have curly dark br… anyway…

Jeff tells them that in Africa the elders make the decision (and pick the teams, it appears) and he makes Bob, the physics teacher from Maine, and Gillian, the nurse from the Sherwood Forrest, come forward to be the “Elders”.  Bob, being a smart practical dude, picks a big strong dude.

Gillian, being a Baggins descendant, squints through her little spectacles and her wild curly steel grey hair and chooses Crystal, who looks like a giant, muscular, unstoppable woman — but then her team makes a series of strange choices, skipping over young bucks to chose middle-aged women and skinny little girls and guys.  Bob’s team is so obviously dominating physically that it’s almost laughable.   We know from past seasons that the big guys fade fast and are almost useless if they don’t get food.  Again, I’m going to assume this was their “strategy” and not that they were just picking friends or people they thought would like them.

Gillian’s tribe is FANG – which is pronounced FONG and really annoys me because how cool is it to be on the FANG TRIBE? Very!  The FONG Tribe? Not so much.  Bob’s tribe is Kota.

Right away Jeff is all… individual immunity up for grabs! You have run up this giant hill and climb stuff and it’ll be really hard and the first one gets the idol and then he’s all – oh, but also first whole TEAM up gets this giant bag or rice and another of beans and corn! So, are you a TEAM PLAYER THAT LIKES TO EAT or a  Selfish McSelferton?

They run. Danny (GC, if you’re nasty) races ahead without regard to the team.  He’s on the girlie team and not liking it.  As expected, Gillian is all OOPSY! OH FIDDLE! WHOOPSY DAISY! and is like 20 miles behind everyone else.  NOT EXPECTED is that Crystal the SO CALLED Olympic medalist is right there with her… falling, sliding, unable to climb, moving at a sloth’s pace.  Was this a strategic move to not play her strength up right away?  It would have been easier to believe or comprehend if she didn’t have GIANT GLEAMING PULSING MUSCLES ALL OVER HER BODY.

At the end of the hill climb, it appears that Matty is trying to get Gillian up the hill by forcing his hand up her rear end.  While not conventional, it would certainly make ME move faster.  Kota wins the rice, beans and corn and everyone makes their way to their camps for the first time.

Over at Kota, everyone LERVES Bob From Maine.  He builds stuff and climbs stuff and fixes stuff. He’s Ozzy, 35 years from now. Everyone is all, “Whoa! How does Bob know how to DO stuff!” and Bob is all, “When I don’t know how to do something, I go to the library and look it up.”  And they were all, “What’s a library?”

Back at Fang, Gillian is all “We didn’t really suck, in fact we are victorious in our losing! We are awesome! Also, I LOVE ELELPHANT DUNG!”  She has an unsuccessful go at trying to get people to eat the poo. Clearly, she’s a little bit of a nut-job.  MEANWHILE, Ken and Michelle go off somewhere and talk… and it’s one of those cases where it’s obvious that Ken is getting THE WRONG IMPRESSION about Michelle and when they cut to him talking about how he hasn’t kissed a girl since high school, you start to figure out why… and she’s all THEY ARE STUPID, I HATE THEM, THEY ALL SUCK EXCEPT YOU… which is when you could practically see the thought bubble over Ken’s head that probably, they were going to DO IT soon… and then he tells her to eat a termite, but not just a little termite a GIANT GROSS QUEEN TERMITE WITH SPRANGLY CRAP COMING OUT OF ITS HEAD and she ….. totally…….. eats it…..   and Ken stares at her mouth open and tells her, “That’s hot”, just like Paris Hilton… and Ken starts mentally choosing names for their future children.

Back at Kota, Ace has gotten bossy, except he keeps telling the camera that he’s just “giving suggestions” so that when things work wonderfully, they can be “his ideas”… except that everyone is sneaking behind trees and saying things like, “DO YOU THINK WE COULD STRANGLE ACE IF WE ALL JUMPED HIM AT ONCE?!” , but he has this cocky, swaggery British accent and looks like Vin Diesel crossed with Chris Daughtry (but with tiny red underpants… I’m just sayin’).

Charlie, who is openly gay, has fallen deeply for Marcus who is openly NOT. They keep trying to strategize except it goes like this:

Marcus:  So, let’s have an alliance.

Charlie: I’d like to fall into the pool that is the blue of your eyes.

Marcus: So, what should we do at tribal council?

Charlie: You know, I just feel this deep, deep connection with you.

Later that night, Randy bashes his head. Gillian tells him to WAIT UNTIL MORNING, even though she’s, you know, a nurse – and this is the one redeeming contribution she could bring to the group.  They call the medics, who stitch Randy up and then leave him looking like the Dad that gets suckered into the playing Hospital with his kids… he has like 47 yards of gauze wrapped around his head, as if a lobotomy were just performed.

The immunity challenge that day is one of those climb up and over and under and then dig up some puzzle pieces and then put them together sort of deals.   I would say that finding buried puzzle pieces in sand skills should be at the top of one’s Survivor resume.  Kota is done before Fang hardly even finds 1 bag, which isn’t surprising because even though there are a bunch of people it appears that Fang has decided that only 1 or 2 people should be trying to win at any given moment and the rest should just sit there yelling, “FASTER! YOU CAN DO IT! FASTER! COME ON!” at the 2 people actually putting out effort.

Back at Fang camp, everyone decides that Michelle is a “Negative Nancy” and they are torn between voting for her and for NutJob Gillian.

At tribal council, GC complains that they have no leader, which makes everyone suggest he do it.  They vote off Michelle, who is the angriest sweaty, pimple-faced person who mistakenly thinks she’s totally hot I’ve ever seen.  She doesn’t even wave goodbye to Ken, who realizes in that moment that his “Mario & Princess live happily ever after in the castle” dream is over…..

July 29, 2008

Worse than getting a bad tattoo…

Filed under: Television — Tags: , , , , — denise @ 6:05 am

I’m a huge Morgan Spurlock (of “Supersize Me” fame) fan and I love his show, “30 Days” in which he takes on tough topics like racism, religious fanaticism, disabilities and counter culture (to name only a few).

In each episode someone has to live another life for 30 days.  A devout right-wing Christian will have to live with a family that is Muslim.  A young, urban Manhattanite couple lives on a naturally sustaining commune.  An NFL player has to live in a wheelchair.

Morgan himself has played the part in a few of them: living for 30 days as a coal miner,  on a reservation, in a prison in solitary confinement.  There are rules and criteria set up in each situation.  They have to LIVE THAT LIFE, they can’t just sit there. They have to attend services, rehab, host parties…whatever is appropriate for each situation.  It’s a truly riveting social experiment.

However…

It seems that he finally has taken things too far.

Check it out at Kory’s blog Could Be Considered Dangerous.

May 26, 2008

American Idol Finale (Subtitle: Punked. I guess you got me.)

I tell you this:  I am only writing this post about the finale because to not write ANYTHING would be like trying to hang up on someone when you are on a cell phone.  No more days of screaming at someone on my purple Princess phone and SLAMMING IT DOWN in a fury of plastic.  Now, one can only hit the “End” button on their cell. Harshly. Which means the only way to come even close to the classic release of pent up anger that was smashing a phone onto the cradle is to end the call when they are in mid sentence… and it’s so not the same. Used to be, you could hang up so hard the other person would actually have to hold their phone away from their ear… now the most you can hope for is a confused, “Hello? Can you hear me now?” when they finally realize you are gone.

I had 3/4ths of a blog written last Tuesday.  A torrent of anger at the injustice of it all…. that an ass-clown like Archubarfa would be the American Idol and that it would be so blatantly obvious from the production of the show and the judges comments…  and then on Wednesday’s finale and I sat through the yards of ridiculous bullshit to get to the verdict and this is what I hear:

Seacrest: “Ok, this is it.  I have in my hand the results of over 90 million votes. The next American Idol is…

And it’s over.  The DVR had stopped recording at that exact moment.  Kory and I stare at each other unable to believe that it actually stopped there… it almost seemed planned. One last final ridiculous blow to the American public after a finale of unfathomable suckitude.  [I will also remind you that I’d falled down the stairs earlier in the evening, so I wasn’t exactly at the top of my game.]  I limped over to the laptap to see, you know, just officially David Archuleta’s name as the next Idol… and there it was…

David Cook Wins Idol!

Wah?

How…is that… possible?

I won’t even go into the fact that I had ALMOST AN ENTIRE BLOG WRITTEN about how DAVID COOK DID NOT WIN because how could anything else even be possible after that show???  But… but… really?  And to not have actually heard Ryan say his name and see his reaction and the reaction of the judges and everyone else? It was like just hearing later that Gore didn’t win…

Wha?

How…is that…even possible?

  • The whole boxing theme was not only stupid and verging on jumping the shark, it was insulting.
  • It was sort of funny, actually, when the announcer called Archubarfa “100 pounds, soaking wet”
  • When they both posed at the end of the segment in their leather jackets, trying to make fists and act like they were punching each other, it was possibly the gayest thing I’ve ever seen.
  • I hate the Songwriters contest. I hate those stupid, graduation day songs about people being in their moments and living their dreams and realizing their fate and blah blah blah.  I hate the songs. I hate that they make them sing them.  Go ahead, put them on the next “Praise 11” CD, but PLEASE stop making the contestants sing them.
  • I got to hear my Collective Soul song!
  • I hate so much when contestants re-sing a past song. I was so proud of Cook when he said he believed the contest to be a progression and wouldn’t want to sing something he’d already done.
  • I love the songs that Clive Davis picks for the contestants.  It’s always a great choice and usually one of my favorite things they sing all season.  Of course, Clive Davis is an extremely powerful man and he makes artists and squashes careers all before breakfast.  In fact, I’m only writing this because I’m afraid Clive Davis will have me killed if I don’t.
  • NO ONE CAN SING THE PHONEBOOK. THIS TURN OF PHRASE MUST BE BANNED FROM THE SHOW!
  • Ryan Seacrest must stop tanning.  He is starting to look like an Oompa Loompa.
  • It was sure nice to see Michael Johns again.
  • Wardrobe people:  this is a totally serious offer.  Listen up! If you ARE EVER in the Minneapolis area, please contact me because I would like to take you all out for several dozen rounds of martinis and discuss *shrugs* just, you know, slightly… the wardrobe decisions for the finale.  Nothing big, just little things like…oh, say…. WHY BOTH THE DAVIDS WERE WEARING STARS (Cook: silver star necklace, Archie: Big star on shirt)… and WHY ARCHUBARFA WAS WEARING A SUIT COAT COVERED IN GROTESQUELY LARGE NAUTICAL ANCHORS?!! Just little things like that… over a few nice martinis. Yum, right?

It’s been a week…  I’m over it.  I’m happy(?) that David Cook won.  Maybe I’m just glad Archubarfa didn’t win?  Maybe that’s more accurate.  I’m glad that the talent won over the popularity contest.  Maybe it’s even a good thing that I can still be punked by Idol.  Good that I can’t see everything coming and know exactly how it all will end each season… because what fun would that be, anyway?

I wish I could muster more emotion, but it’s been a week and it’s been a hell of a week for me and… it’s just kind of over.  It’s like breaking up over email.  Or quitting your job by just leaving at lunch and not coming back.

I admit, there is a little lack of closure on it all.

But you know what?  Some time this fall, Idol, you can get wasted and drunk dial me and maybe we’ll get back together…

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