Postcards to the American Idol hopefuls.


Dear Bikini Girl,

A few items:

1. You clearly didn’t realize it then, but you will when you watch the show… you were never talented enough. They put you through only to piss off Paula and Kara. And you knew that, right?  Thus the bikini and all?

2. The dress with the cut-off shoulders?  Yeah.  Only hookers living in the penthouse with Richard Gere wear dresses with large parts of the fabric cut out.  And, really, she only wore them until she got the charge card.

3. Gross out with the making out with Ryan against his will.  However, it seems to play right into what appears to be your long term goal of replacing Tara Reid as the next Skanasaurus Rex.

Your pal,



Dear Blind Guy,

This is what it’s like (so far) when I watch you perform:

I like him!

He’s good!

Wait, he’s not that good…

Do I only think he’s good because he’s blind?

Kind of like how I only liked that Turkey Farmer Kid because he was all turkey farmer-ish?

No, he’s good…

and look at him playing the piano!

And he can’t even SEE THE KEYS!

Wait.  That’s not very PC.

Would I still be impressed that he can play the piano if he could see?

It’s a good thing he doesn’t see all those gaudy gold-framed mirrors on his parent’s wall…

Hmm.  That was mean.

He’s pretty good… and that high-five with Seacrest was pretty funny…

Your pal,



Dear Tatiana,

It appears that you maybe think you are Evita.  Or maybe Shakira or Miss America.  Or a hysterical braying donkey that blows kisses at people?  Who does that overly dramatic blowing kisses thing, again?

Oh yeah.

Your pal,



Dear Danny,

AKA, Robert Downey Jr, pre-drugs, pre-rehab, pre-jail.

My money’s on you, baby.




Dear Osmond Guy,

If all things Osmond didn’t terrify me, I’d like you.

However, it goes like this:

1. Clowns

2. Dolls that move or have secret powers

3. Dark alleys

4. Osmonds

5. Dental work

6. Spiders


Your pal,



Dear Anoop,

You have a nice voice, actually… but the problem is, nothing you have sung so far goes well with the constant soundtrack in my head.

Noop! Noop de doop.  Noop de doop de doop de doop.  YOU MAKE ME WANT TO NOOP NOOP NOOP…


Your pal,



Dear Adam,

Rock on you little Emo cutie-pie.

Careful… there is a line with black hair dye, eyeliner and chain accessories.

There is a line that CAN be crossed.

Are you a little David-ish?  Yeah.  Do you have a similiar giant forehead.  Yep.

But you can also SING, dollface.

Go gettum.




Dear Jesse (Jessica) Langseth,

Hi Johnny Lang’s little sister.

Didn’t think we’d find out, did ya?

Well, guess what HOMETOWN GIRL… we know now!!! And we loves you!!!

Your pal,



And a special note to our new judge, Kara…

Dear Kara,

I’ve been prepared to dislike you for quite some time.  I’d heard, months before the show started, that you weren’t particularly kind to contestants.  That you sang, occasionally, to show them how a song was SUPPOSED to sound.

From early pictures it was clear that I was going to have issues with your wardrobe and jewelry (it can never be as bad as Paula, right? Right?!)…

After seeing you on, I don’t know, 6 shows so far between the auditions and whatnot?

I like you.

A lot.

I would say the things you would say, and I would sing a song to show someone how it was supposed to be done if I was a Grammy-winning songwriter/artist.  I would!

So, cram it, Rob.  She rocks.  :p



Why didn’t anyone tell me Dr. Pratt died?!


Yeah, I know.  You don’t watch ER anymore.  You watched it in high school/college/prison and you are over the time in your life, now.

I’m not really interested in your claims that it just wasn’t as good after [George Clooney/Noah Wiley/Anthony Edwards] left the show.   I don’t care that the brief sprint of psychosis that was John Leguizamo didn’t really make sense and never resolved itself and it was just strange that he became a criminal.   Or.. or…. that Abby drunkenly slept with Lucien (FUCKING LUCIEN – ARE YOU KIDDING ME?) whilst married to Super Hotness Personified, Luka.  Or.. or.. you know, that whole weird thing about Morris being a sperm-donor and all those little red-headed kids running around?  I mean, what was THAT?

For sure, there was weirdness and if not blatant shark-jumping there was at least some sharks being nudged with their collective County General big toe.

But….. Pratt?

I am telling you that the moment he knew… KNEW… he was going to die and they were all in a flurry around him with machines beeping and people yelling – moving at lightening speed and in slow motion all at once—  it just undid me.

They were so desperate to save him, they couldn’t SEE him and he just… knew.

He couldn’t move. He couldn’t speak. He could hardly breathe and you could see it in his eyes as clearly as if he’d spoken aloud that he knew he was going to die.  And the camera pans slowly, to soft music to his face and you see the tears fall from his eyes… and his family was right there – RIGHT THERE – and yet he was totally alone because no one in that room stopped and looked in his eyes and said,

“I know you know.  I’ll be here with you.”

Kory was cleaning the kitchen.  The dishwasher was running, the water was on, he was moving pots and pans around… and there was a sudden lull in the kitchen noise and that’s when he heard me crying in the living room.  Hiccuping. Sniffling. My throat bursting with trying to keep it in.

He came in the room, moving fast.

“Oh honey… oh baby…” and he folds me into his arms and I try to laugh and joke about my tears, something about being pregnant or blah, blah about hormones… but when he hugged me, I really let it out and I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed.

I know Mekhi Phifer is alive and well, but I cried for Greg Pratt and how all his strength and honor and fortitude couldn’t save him, in the end.

And I cried for anyone, trapped in a body that can’t communicate… eyes searching the room for someone to see… someone to acknowledge their leaving and their knowing.

Please, if that day comes for me, please hold my hand and look me in the eye and even if it makes you scream – I want you to say it.

“I know you know.  I’ll be here with you.”

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Survivor – Week 1, Part 2 recap


… and they all head back to camp after Tribal Council and they have those famous post-council giddies that everyone gets when they really stick it to the unsuspecting.

GC, as their new leader, makes a roaring fire and everyone is all, “GC IS DA BOMB! WE LOVE GC! HE’S THE BEST LEADER EVER!”

Back at Kota, everyone is happy and eating rice pudding… and Charlie and Marcus do some more strategizing.

Marcus: I think our strategy will work if we don’t stray from our plan.

Charlie: I feel really, REALLY safe with you.

Marcus: We need to bring other people into the fold, though.

Charlie: Other……. people?

Marcus: So we are four-strong!

Charlie: Okaaaay. But only if we are an onion and they are the outer onion layers and we are the middle layers. Delicious middley middle. Just us. Middle.

I have to say that Marcus is remarkably patient with Charlie and never turns to the camera and says anything smirky about Charlie.  He seems like a decent fellow.  They have a secret meeting with Corinne and Jacquie and bring them into their loving fold.

Charlie (to the camera): It was amazing! It was like we all had one collective brain! It was so amazing!

Charlie feels things DEEPLY, yo.

In the morning at Fang, GC is all do this and do that to everyone, and they are all, “GC SUCKS! GC IS A TERRIBLE LEADER! WE HATE GC!”  There was a little pissing match between in GC and Randy when GC tried to use the boiled water to….um…. boil water… for the rice.

Randy was all, “Yo, that water is already boiled for our drinking water” and GC was like, “Duh. I know it’s boiled water, that’s why I’m going to boil it again.” and Randy was all, “But..but…but… just use the lake water because you don’t need to boil the boiled water again.” and GC was all, “It’s JUST WATER, MAN.  It’s JUST WATER. GAWD!”  Randy decided to “just sit back and watch everything implode”….oh Randy, you won’t wait long, my man.

Back at Fang, GC gets up in the middle of night and begins banging around and doing laundry (like one does). Ken gets up when he hears him and they start talking and one by one people join them.  Gillian, the Angry Hobbit, gets up and tells them all to keep down their BLAH BLAH BLAH because people need sleep to win challenges and also the Orcs might hear us!

GC goes all 12-years-old on her and is like, “You’re not my MOMMY! You can’t tell me what to do! I quit! I don’t want to play this stupid game anymore! I’m not the leader any more! WAAAAAAAAAAH!

Everyone looks shocked, and it’s in that moment that I truly fear for this tribe because if not a one of them saw THAT coming, they are all screwed.

GC tries to give the leadership to Dan, who tells them his “leadership style would not mesh well with the dynamic” and then tells that camera that he’d actually like to be a “silent leader”.  That’s EXACTLY what these people need! Total lack of actual physical leadership with a silent puppet-master.  Can you feel the love?

At reward challenge, it’s a bunch of unlocking of locks with keys and undoing knots and pushing boulders.  Gillian is all “WHOOPSY DAISY! OH FIDDLE! I WENT WUMPUS ON MY BUM!” again and holds Fang back.  Both teams take a similar approach to the challenge and have the tallest, thinnest man on their respective teams leap onto the bolder at each stop to undo the knots.  Watching Bob and Ken fling their whippet-thin, veiny bodies up onto the boulders was like watching grasshoppers in tshirts bounce around… breath-taking!

Fang is in this fight and almost makes it, but Kota takes yet another challenge and gets to send one member of Fang to Exile Island.  There are a few strategies to consider when sending someone to the island:

  • Do you send a strong player to separate them from their tribe and create distrust?
  • Do you send a weak player because you don’t want them to find the hidden Immunity Idol?
  • Do you send a big player because the days on the island without food will weaken them?
  • Do you send someone who seems to have buddies to create a rift?

They send Dan.

Dan and his silent management style that may or may not work with the dynamic of exile.

Kota also won fishing gear and then go back to camp and decide to fish and it goes like this:

Drop line in water. Get fish.

Drop line in again. Get another fish.

Almost drop line in, but change mind. Get a fish anyway!

Stare at the water. Get more fish!

The pile of fish is stacking up at an alarming rate and Kota seems to truly be riding some unstoppable rush of good luck.  (Or else there is a Survivor intern underwater passing fish up to shore.) In the past 16 seasons, FOR SOME REASON, fishing was always sort of hard.  Only the really skilled members of the tribe were able to catch fish…but this season, the fish are shamefully desperate and easy. You don’t even have to buy them a drink.

At Exile Island, Dan is given the option between food OR a clue to the location of the idol.  He takes the clue and is told to look for a sandy crater.  Dan, the GENIOUS, decides this means the bottom of the lake. And spends hours walking the lake and making a cup around his eyes and cramming his face in the water to look for secret, hidden, underwater craters.

*Cough* Um, Dan? Here’s the thing….

Cupping your hands around your eyes to look like goggles doesn’t actually make them goggles.  It just means that when you sploosh your face into the water, you can’t use your hands or arms.  I can’t tell you how pleased I am that I drew your name in the Survivor Pool, because you are clearly a dynamic, silent leader who is firing on all cylinders.   Way to be, man.

Back at camp, everyone wants to vote for Gillian, except for Gillian and Susie… oh wait, Susie wants to vote for Gillian, too.  However, with Dan on Exile Island, there is talk about whether he has the idol or not…

Randy manages to bend a piece of his eyeglasses into a hook and actually catches fish with it, becoming something of a reluctant hero to the group. This is the best of Randy, I feel.  Given any power, he would be insufferable.

Dan comes back and the camp erupts into the pondering of DOES HE OR DOESNT HE… Randy doesn’t think Dan has it, Crystal is convinced he does.  Really, Crystal?  You think he has the idol?  Ok, raise your hand here if you have an Olympic medal.  Umm-hmm.  That’s what I thought.

Tribal Council…. Gillian is voted out in a landslide, and as Jeff snuffs out her torch, she’s all, ‘


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