deeples

Here is my suck list… it’s in no particular order and only #’d for the purposes of making sure that I have all 100 of them…  

 

Here is Krista’s list:  Adventures of Krista

Here is Gabbi’s list:  In Spite of My Crazy Self

… and Blue Girl is little by little making her way through her own Happy List….

I’m still hoping for lists from Kory, Tracy, Rob, Jeff, you…yes, you reading this right now.  YOU!

 

I was going to do a 100 Things That Make Me Happy, next — but Krista has thrown down a gauntlet to come up with 25 Top Songs Of All Time and Why… so I’ll do that one next and maybe do the 100 Happy things next week.  

 

I should also maybe reiterate that these are just things that suck to me. I fully understand and agree that you may love some of the things that I have on this list and my intention is not to hurt or offend anyone. I hope you take it in the non-hateful way I intend it.

 

Here goes:

 

1. Sink and tub drains plugged with hair and scuzz.

 

1. When I forget other people’s names.  It always feels like a personal failure.

 

1. Writing checks.  I used to think writing checks was fun!  I loved to fill them out and sign my name and when it was the “bill time” of the month I would line them all up with my stamps and my cute little return labels from Current and the whole thing made me feel very adult.  Now, I hate it.  I just want something to scan my retina and deduct it from my account.

 

1. Homeless people that beg for money with the signs on the side of the road.  I don’t have anything against homeless people.  Or even begging.  But I hate when I pull up to the red light and one of those dudes is standing there with this sign and I don’t want to make eye-contact and I don’t NOT want to make eye contact because I don’t want to be all bourgeois and shitty like “homeless people don’t exist to me” but I also don’t want to encourage any discussions about said homelessness and me giving someone else money.  I sure as hell will not be rolling my window down and digging out my wallet at a street corner… and when The Baby is in the car, it freaks me out even more.  And I’m kind of ashamed of all of this, as well.

 

1. Being ashamed.

 

1. The smell of hospitals and nursing homes.  It smells like… like… vomit and poo and ammonia and vegetable soup and cake frosting… all mixed together.

 

1. Pregret.  That infinitesimal moment when I actually think that maybe what I am about to do or say just might not be a good idea, but then I go ahead and do or say it anyway.  And then I wish I hadn’t. 

 

 

1. Raw chicken.

 

1. When sugar won’t dissolve in iced tea.  We all know that sugar doesn’t dissolve in cold water very well.. and I don’t like things to be very sweet, but I hate the sip through the straw that results in me with a mouth full of cold, tea flavored sugar granules.

 

1. When a removed price tag on my new sandals creates a sticky spot that sticks to my foot all day.

 

1. Bicyclists on busy roads, especially ones that seem unsteady or not confident in their bikishness.

 

1. People who try to fold when they should check.

 

1. When I wear something not realizing that it has wool in it.  And I itch and itch my way through the day, wishing I could wrap my skin in a protective layer of Saran Wrap.

 

1. Nasty people who call themselves Christian. The religion, not the name. I, admittedly, have a general discomfort and partial distrust of people who call themselves Christian because so often in life I have found those people to be mean, vindictive and  judgmental people.  This is not to say that there aren’t LOTS of mean, vindictive or judgmental people in life – but I can swallow it easier if they aren’t also calling themselves “Christians”.

 

1. Eggs.  I really don’t care for them in any form.  And luckily for me, I married a man who feels the same way.

 

1. Dolls/Clowns.  I know this is almost cliché, but I do have a terrible phobia of dolls and clowns.  I have never taken either of my kids to the circus and I avoid dolls as much as possible.  The less “real” the doll looks, the easier time I have with it.  I will not look at the TV or movie screen if there is a doll or clown that is moving or talking.  Even “Snuggle” commercials are hard for me.

 

1. Servers boxing up my food.  I prefer to do it, myself.  It feels weird to have someone else scrape off my plate and I don’t always want to take everything, and also, what if I want the bread on the table?  Awkward.

 

1. When the You Need Gas light comes on in my car.  I always instantly panic that I am within moments of running out of gas.  And it always seems to be raining or snowing at that exact moment.  Or I’m lodged in bumper to bumper traffic. And while we’re at it…

 

1. Gas prices.  Jebus.  $3.65 a gallon?  $55.00 to fill up my tank?  How do kids even afford to drive anymore?  How do people who make minimum wage?  Maybe I should just buy a horse and keep it in the backyard and ride it to work, except…

 

1. Horses.  They scare me.   My friend Marla had a horse named Diablo when I was in Junior High and he threw us off one day when he saw a snake in the ditch – WHICH I TOTALLY DO NOT BLAME HIM FOR, but it’s forever made me afraid of and mostly dislike horses as well as..

 

1. Snakes.  Ugh.  ::: shudder:::

 

1. People who talk, answer their cell phones and text message at the movie theater.  Seriously, I restrain myself to not launch myself at them and slap them senseless.  It’s a fiery rage, to be sure.

 

1. Scary Pro-Life people who picket Planned Parenthood with big signs and try to bully and frighten people into giving up their LEGAL RIGHTS.  I’m a moderate in the sense that I believe all people have the right to their own opinions.  I understand someone deciding that they are Pro-Life – what I have a problem with is violence, hatred, bombings, verbal threats and slurs against someone who also has a right to their opinion, their choice and their legal rights.

 

1. Iron infusions.

 

1. Under-wires in bras. It’s a necessary evil, but I don’t have to like it.

 

1. Drivers who fade in and out of lanes as if there are no lines on the road.  Or at least not for them.  The concept of lanes and turn-signals appears foreign to them.

 

1. Text speak.  I cant talk 2 ppl hoo rite like this. U R not cute. U R hurting mi brain && making the IQ of the planet drop.

 

1. When people recline on airplanes.  Yes, I know the seats have the capability to recline, IN THEORY.  However, you might have noticed that we are all sitting in “coach”.  You may have noticed that we are packed in like sardines.  If you are sitting in front of me and you recline you are RUDELY ENTERING THE LITTLE SPACE THAT I HAVE TO CALL MINE FOR THE NEXT SEVERAL HOURS.  And, because I’m 5’9, you are also almost always smashing my knees.  For this reason, I think you are a total dick.  Please, don’t be surprised when I ask you to please not recline because you are HURTING ME.  And don’t be surprised when, if you don’t comply immediately, I start knocking my knee rhythmically into the back of your head.  Don’t try to wait me out.  I won’t give up.  Because I am angry, now, and you are a dick.  And I don’t let dicks win.  Ever.

 

1. Crumbs in the bed.  Will I get up at 2am, turn on all the lights in the bedroom and spend 10 minutes sweeping my arms frantically up and down the sheets if I feel something in the bed?  Hmm.  Will I?  Probably yes.

 

1. Stewed tomatoes.  Really, any large chunks of cooked tomato.

 

1. When people “SHHH” me.  I just can’t recommend it.

 

1. Children who are rude to adults.  I probably have a different level of tolerance on this one than some people because I was raised in a very strict and proper French/New England/Catholic household.  I do not think children should ever tell an adult to shut up or be quiet.  I do not think a child should call an adult a name – even sort of silly things like “doodoo head” or “poopie face”. My house, my rules.  If you are a child and you tell me NO in my house you are asking for a very serious problem.  I have a really hard time with this because I adhere to this rule, even with OTHER PEOPLE’S CHILDREN.   So, if you have kids and you come to my home, be warned. I expect all children to be respectful of all adults under my roof.  Children who are not will be called on it. And I’m not all Mary Poppins about it, either.

 

1. People who click their pens on and off over and over again. In meetings. Classrooms.  Really, anywhere within my earshot.  STOP IT. 

 

1. Excessive commas.  I really hate, that I am, personally, super guilty of doing this, and I’m so embarrassed, when I read back over things I write, and there are strange unnecessary commas, that shouldn’t be there.

 

1. Imposters. White people that dress, talk, act, walk and believe themselves to be of another culture – be it Black, Hispanic, Asian or..um… Hawaiian.  It makes everyone sort of uncomfortable, man. 

 

1. Christmas lights/wreaths still on display after Valentine’s Day.

 

1. Bratwurst.  Go ahead, Midwesterners, FREAK OUT!  I think they smell bad and taste like shoes.

 

1. Gardenias.  They smell like “Bactine”.

 

1. Roy Orbison’s voice.  It gives me the willies a little bit.

 

1. My own Emotional Flares. You know how we get sun spots on the sun?  Big flares of raging energy?  I get those, but emotionally, where I get DEFCON 10 UPSET about something and I send emails about it and I blog about it and I obsess and freak out and blame people and myself and have a general conniption fit that ends in me doubting my entire world, all my relationships, everyone and every thing I’ve ever known … and then I wake up the next day and I’m totally over it.  I’m not only no longer upset but I can’t really even figure out why I got so worked up in the first place and I’m horribly embarrassed that I made such a fuss.  I’m a bit of a Fuss Maker.  If you know me and love me, try to remember that when I’m Flaring.  Most likely, I’ll be ok tomorrow.   But for the love of God, don’t try to TELL me that while I’m flaring and fussing… are you MAD?  Also, don’t ignore me and climb into a bunker and wait for tomorrow.  Sadly, it’s best to just go through it with me and let me eat crow and feel sheepish the next day.  I’m not saying it’s a great plan, but it’s what seems to work best for everyone involved.  Namely, me.

 

1. Hockey.   I’m just not into it. Therefore I find it frightfully boring.

 

1. When servers refill my coffee cup without asking me first. The coffee to creamer ratio is important to me.  Further, I do not care for hot coffee going into cold coffee.  I prefer to pour my cold coffee into another cup and have a whole new cup of hot coffee.  Also, I do not want a new cup because the new cup is cold and the original cup is at least warm.  You can blame all of this on my best friend Steph and her mom.  It’s their fault I am now like this.

 

1. Limp handshakes.  It’s nauseating, really.  Speaking of nauseating…

 

1. Mucus.  I can’t stand it.  I would rather wade through sewage than wipe a snot runner off a baby. It makes me throw up in my mouth.

 

1. People who are Republicans only because their parents were.  I can respect a person who has a strong belief and can BACK IT UP WITH FACT, but I can’t stand it when people take a strong political party belief and influence my nation with their vote without having ANY idea what the actual issues are, what any of the facts are, what the agendas, values and priorities are of the people they are voting for …  all because “in my family, we always vote Republican”.

 

1. PowerPoint presentations.  Especially ones in which words fly around, fade in and out and/or slides fade in like Venetian blinds.

 

1. Thousand Island, French, Catalina and Russian salad dressing.  Anything sweet and red or pink, really.  Nasty factor exponentially higher if then doused with Ranch or Bleu Cheese. 

 

1. When the ball gets stuck on something in a pinball machine and you have no choice but to TILT the machine.

 

1. Cleaning the bathroom. Gross.

 

1. Cleaning the kitchen. Gross.

 

1. Cleaning anything.  Gross. Boring. Exhausting.  My creativity and imagination are almost limitless when faced with the prospect of cleaning OR finding something infinitely more interesting or important to do.

 

1. The following comedians: Robert Schimmel, Gilbert Godfried, Larry the Cable Guy, Jeff Foxworthy, Steven Wright, Lisa Lampanelli, Jay London , Carrot Top, Gallagher, Jackie Martling, Emo Philips, Harland Williams.  

 

1.  News that local soldiers have died.   I mean, it sucks when any soldier dies, but when it’s a home town boy, it brings it that much closer to home.  Also, I spearheaded this effort at work to “Adopt a Soldier” and we got assigned one who never wrote us or thanked us no matter how many boxes we sent him of stuff and then he came home – and they sent us another soldier, but we only sent him one box and then he just sort of fell off our radar and we never sent him anything else and I’m always worried that it will be that soldier that is the one that died.  Our soldier that we only sent one box full of card games and movie theater candy…

 

1. People who chew with their mouth open and/or make smacking sounds when they eat.

 

1. Pantyhose.

 

1. Anything “Plumeria” scented.

 

1. Amusement park rides.  I do not have the need for speed.  Or going in circles. Or up and down. Or sideways.

 

1. Rootbeer.  And anything rootbeer flavored.  Here, let me answer your ASTONISHED FACED QUESTIONS. No, I do not like rootbeer floats. No, I do not like rootbeer barrels (the shot). No, I do not like rootbeer barrels (the candy).  No, I do not like rootbeer popcicles and not even rootbeer flavored Jelly Bellys. No, not even GOOD rootbeer because THERE. IS. NO. GOOD. ROOTBEER.

 

1. Squirrels.  Horrid, vicious, house-chewing, garbage can-chewing rodents.  They are NOT cute. Squirrel, please…

 

1. People who park too close to my car.  Hello?  Being stupid (AKA: In a hurry) is not an excuse.  I hope you like the ding I put in your door trying to open mine. Consider it a parting gift (AKA: Life lesson).

 

1. Car alarms and the people that don’t seem to hear them going off.  If I could kill you with my bare hands, I would.

 

1. Those lotion people at the mall.  Seriously, they are a tenacious bunch.  They are completely uninterested in your disinterest in them. They will block you, run after you calling, “Miss! Miss!  Do you have dry skin? Miss!”  Avoiding eye-contact doesn’t help.  Saying a brusque, “NO THANK YOU” as you walk by doesn’t help.  I’ve taken to telling them that I have explosive diarrhea and walking like a penguin until I am out of their line of sight.

 

1. When people forward emails that are urban legend/scams/hoaxes and don’t check if they are true first.  I can not believe in 2008, I am still getting the Microsoft will pay us to forward this email for beta whatevers.  Wow.  I’m sorry, but if you still think the Microsoft Beta thing is true and that the Nordstrom cookie recipe costs $500… well, you are mostly Amish and don’t know it.

 

1. When I drop butter/oil/blood/something that will never come out in a million years on a new shirt on the very first day I wear it. You’d be surprised how often this happens to me.  Or, if you know me pretty well, maybe not.

 

1. When I sneeze and no one says “Bless you” or “Gesundheit”.  It’s the pinnacle of rude, to me. 

 

1. David Archuletta.  Back off. This is my list and he bugs me so he’s on it.  Deal.

 

1. Hangnails.

 

1. Political ads.  Are any of them actually PROUD of these ads?

 

1. The 18 year olds that wear the sunglasses, headphones, hood up over their head at the $2/$4 table.   You’re a pro, dude. We can tell.

 

1. Overdue library books and rental DVDs.  I could buy every book I’ve ever checked out of the library and every movie I’ve ever rented for what I have paid in late fees in my lifetime.  Three times over.

 

1. Raw oysters.

 

1. Offensive pass interference. 

 

1. THE LOUSY HOUSING MARKET

 

1. Bigotry.

 

1. Ann Coulter

 

1. People who hurt children.   I hope there is a special ring in hell for people who do. 

 

1. When you really want toast and there’s mold on the bread.

 

1. No more Harry Potter books.

 

1. Waiting in line.  Waiting for anything, really.  I can definitely say with no reservations that waiting is not my forte.  I’m a terrible waiter.  I have no patience and I always choose the worst and slowest line at the store in which the person will not only have to write a check and will have tons of coupons but they will also somehow have no price tag/bar code on at least half their items, causing multiple price-checks.  I will also not be able to keep myself from rolling my eyes and sighing LOUDLY which doesn’t help anyone and is only annoying and rude – and yet I am helpless to stop myself.

 

1. People who sigh loudly and roll their eyes when I have coupons and/or some of my items don’t have price tags or bar codes on them.  Like I’m supposed to notice that when I put it in my cart?   Like I’m personally offending you by wanting to save 55 cents?  God, what a jerk.

 

1. Techno/Rave/Dance Music.  

 

1. Moving and/or helping other people move. Not that I wouldn’t love to have a reason to pack up everything I own and move it somewhere right now… I’m just saying AND I THINK WE ALL AGREE that packing, moving and unpacking sucks in an all-encompassing way that makes completely reasonable people think that things will fit places they obviously do not fit and previously logical and conservative people say things like, “Let’s just throw all our clothes and dishes away and buy new ones!!”  It also makes people who are smart, caring people say things like, “If you help us move 11,000 pounds of everything we own from this place to another place we’ll buy you some beer and few slices of pizza! It’s a great deal!”

 

1. Patchouli  It’s like dizzy and armpits and moldy fruit all rolled into one eye-watering funkitude.

 

1. The words you never get to say.  Every I’m sorry and What happened? when a friendship or relationship abruptly ends…  Every I didn’t mean it. and I’d take it back, if I could when the bridge is irreparably burned.  Every I love you and You meant the world to me and I should have told you more often when someone you love suddenly dies….

 

1. Mosquitoes and their bites.

 

1. Trying to lose weight.  Every time there is a new diet, new program, new pill, new possibility it’s as if the cutest boy in school has finally noticed me and is flirting shamelessly with me.  It’s all I can think about.  It’s all I can talk about. It’s all can hope about. It’s all I can fret about. It’s all I can dream about. It’s all I can envision in my future.   I read books, I join clubs, I buy journals, I grocery shop – I am BALLS TO THE WALL… and then one day, I realize that the cute boy wasn’t really flirting with me, he just wanted to copy my homework because I’m smart and just liked hanging out with me because I made him laugh…  and then I don’t want to think about it anymore at all.  I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t want to be even remotely reminded of it. I want to pretend that my infatuation with that cute boy/weight loss program was all just a figment of my imagination and surely… surely… if I can’t be whisked away in a time machine back to the Renaissance days when my round hips and my swaying behind and my ample chest would be the epitome of beauty, affluence and grace.. then surely… surely.. somewhere in this vast universe is a planet of plus size women that are revered and worshiped as Goddesses and no one makes you eat Fat Free sour cream and everyone shops at Lane Bryant and guys drive trucks with bumper stickers that say, “No Skinny Chicks”… and I just need to be patient and wait for them to come find me and take me away to be their new queen.

 

1. Being far away from family.   And not just for the little things like being able to hug them and have coffee and go shopping… but just feeling connected to people that have known you your entire life… there is some indescribable change that happens to people that are far away from their families.  They become simultaneously more fragile and more hard all the same time.

 

1. Paper jams in the copier.

 

1. Checking voice mail.  I’d way rather read email.  That goes for talking on the phone, as well.

 

1. Bad service at restaurants.  Yes, I am one of those people.  I will send food back. I will ask to speak to the manager. I will get angry.  I will ask for things to be removed from my bill.  I do, however, try to remember who I am angry with and whose fault things really are.  I have several people who are dear to me that have been servers in their lifetimes and I’ve learned that much of the time, it’s not the servers fault.

 

1. Fangots.  People who are so consumed with their own fan-ness that they will be rude, violent, nasty, demeaning, scary and ass-faced to other fans. For example, let’s say you are a Tampa Bay Buccaneers fan and you go watch them play at.. oh, say, the Vikings stadium.  Let’s say that you are only 1 of maybe a handful of people out of 70,000 people that are wearing your red Tampa jersey and not a purple Viking jersey… and let’s say you are a GIRL… and not there with a guy but just your best friend who is also a GIRL and lets say that people are so nasty to you that you have several moments where you think you are going to have to fight someone or maybe even just break down and start bawling and the only thing that stops you is imagining Tom Hanks going, “THERE’S NO CRYING IN FOOTBALL!” and you look around and wonder at these men and woman WHO ARE THERE WITH THEIR CHILDREN screaming obscenities at you and men who will actually shove you and push you down in your seat when you stand up to see a play and you think to yourself, is there no one that just appreciates that you are a fan, too?  And that you were brave enough to walk into a stadium of purple and support the team you love knowing you would be razzed and justly so but  are now  being verbally or physically attacked?  Everyone just thinks that’s ok?  That’s acceptable?

 

1.  People who take a really long time to leave a parking space. Even when they can clearly see you are waiting for it.  Jerks.

 

1. Cutting your fingernails/toenails too short by mistake.

 

1. Bad coffee

 

1. Realizing you’ve forgotten someone (that you care about)’s birthday

 

1. Hearing the last line only of a song you love.  You know, you check the other stations and there it is… a song you LOVE, LOVE, LOVE and you get excited and crank it up only to realize that it’s the last verse… the last repeat in the chorus…  and even worse, you just listened to something horrible like “Smooth Operator” on the other channel instead.  Ugh.

 

1. Popcorn, stuck in your teeth.

 

1. Pouring rain, when you’ve forgotten your umbrella.  Along with no windshield fluid during a snow storm… forgetting your scraper in the garage when there is an icestorm and trying to use your credit card to scrape your windows…

 

1. Spam.  All possible definitions of the word.

 

1. Zombies.