November 6, 2008

The post-apocalyptic renegade in me wants to buy this.

Filed under: Deranged Denise,Uncategorized — Tags: , , , , — denise @ 12:08 pm


Emergency Food Kit

275 Servings
Weather Proof Bucket

Item # 104893


Basic preparation will impact the probability of your family’s survival in an emergency. Delicious and easy to prepare. Each bucket contains 275 servings of Pre-mixed and Pre-seasoned 100% vegetarian and vitamin fortified food. With a 20 year long shelf life, this kit is perfect for the preparation of natural disasters such as hurricanes, tornadoes, earthquakes or even for a camping or hunting trip.

  • Easy to Prepare
  • Must have water and a heat source
  • 275 Servings
  • All Meals 100% Vegetarian and Vitamin Fortified
  • Sealed in convenient Weather-Proof bucket for easy transport
  • 30 Servings – Potato Bakon
  • 25 Servings – Corn Chowder
  • 25 Servings – Ala King
  • 25 Servings – Cacciatore
  • 25 Servings – Western Stew
  • 25 Servings – Country Noodle
  • 25 Servings – Rice Lentil
  • 45 Servings – Whey Milk
  • 25 Servings – Blueberry Pancakes
  • 25 Servings – Barley Vegetable
  • Total Weight: 23 lbs.

For best taste and nutritional value, use product before:

20 years of manufacturing date when stored at 60° F (16.6° C)

10 years of manufacturing date when stored at 70° F (21.1° C)

Basic preparation will impact the probability of your family’s survival during an emergency. Especially developed for Costco members, this advanced survival kit was assembled with protection from a wide variety of emergency situations in mind. This complete kit contains items and tools that are recommended in the event of an Earthquake, Pandemic, Wildfire or Displacement Emergency. We hope it never happens, but it’s always best to be prepared.

We suggest adding Emergency Food Kit (Item# 104893) to help complete your disaster preparedness needs for your family or business.


  • 6 Days Food (60 Servings) for 2 Adults
  • Food is 100% Vegetarian with a 20 Year Shelf Life
  • Fruit & Vegetable Dietary Supplements
  • Water Filtration System (100 plus Gallon Capacity)
  • Crank Flashlight/Radio/Cell Phone Charger
  • Survival Multi-Tool
  • Cooking Supplies/Stove/Fuel
  • First Aid Supplies
  • Sanitizer/Matches
  • Emergency Blankets
  • Compass/Whistle/Thermometer
  • 2-N95 Safety Masks
  • 4 Ready-to-Eat Meals (No cooking required)
  • Duct Tape
  • Plastic Sheeting (100 square feet; 3mm thick)
  • 2 Nylon Ropes (20 feet each)
  • Tube Tent
  • Hygiene Kit
  • 4 Hand Warmers
  • 8 Water Pouches
  • 2 pairs Leather Work Gloves
  • Net Weight: 18 lbs.

For best taste and nutritional value, use product before:

20 years of manufacturing date when stored at 60° F (16.6° C)

10 years of manufacturing date when stored at 70° F (21.1° C)

So, for about $200 I could stash this crap in my basement along with the directions to my best friend’s family’s cabin and feel like if nuclear holocaust/alien invasion/world-wide foliage poison attack/ tidal waves caused by global warming/asteroid colliding with earth happened, I’d be at least partially prepared to deal with the situation.

In the past, my loose plan was to race to the grocery store and buy all the cans of canned bread I could find.

The prospect of trying to figure out how to make bread and like, hull wheat and grow yeast and shit was far more daunting than how to locate, trap, kill, and sizzle up a wild pig or somesuch.

I mean, how does one GROW YEAST?  And I don’t want to use the whole “starter dough” situation because many theorists now believe that the Salem Witch Hunts were due in part to women of that day leaving their starter dough on the counter and it growing a form of LSD – which caused hallucinations “witch-ish” behavior and I think we’ll have enough on our hands to deal with, without adding rainbows and melting ceilings to the situation.

I also had a semi-plan to break into the nearest Walgreens and take as many antibiotics/pain killers/anticeptics, etc, as possible because it seems like in every book or movie about such disasters, someone ends up dying from something like pneumonia just because they didn’t have any amoxicillin…. and you know, who wouldn’t feel better in an alien attack with a few Percocets laying around?

I suppose, even with the emergency food packs and crap, I’d probably still want to keep my plans to buy all the canned bread and break into pharmacies.  I could, I suppose, just buy a case of yeast and actually learn how to bake bread – but what if the nuclear winter makes the plants stop growing and all the flour is gone in a few month?  WHAT GOOD WILL THE YEAST BE THEN, I ask you?!

Also, as much Crystal Light as possible.  And batteries.  I feel like batteries are probably a good idea.  Like, tons of those….  and matches.

If it’s Zombies, The Teen has that one covered.  He is our resident zombie expert.  I bought his this book for Christmas:

He’ll be key if that happens, because I took THIS QUIZ and failed miserably.

I also don’t know how to make soap or preserve animal skins (mental note:  add all the Jane Auel “Clan of the Cave Bear books to the survival pile) or… God, what about TOILET PAPER?

[A quick Google check on post-apoclypic toilet paper needs states that leaves are generally a bad idea and that a soft cloth that is washed well and often is best.  Soooo… ew.]

October 22, 2008

Dropping the bomb.

Filed under: Family,Life,Love,pregnancy,Uncategorized — Tags: , , , — denise @ 5:52 pm

Many of you already know… in fact, I waited so long to post here about it because I absolutely did not want anyone I loved to read about it here – because while you may be imagining that I handle sneering comments like, “Gee, so glad I had to READ YOUR BLOG to find out“, with diplomacy and grace… I fear, I do not.

I would respond by either going, “Tough shit, jerkface.” or immediately bursting into tears.    Some people have fight or flight response, I have asshole or sobbing mess response.

That said, if I haven’t told you… please don’t think I don’t love you.  I just finally had to get it out. I couldn’t wait any longer.

Here is a clue:

Now, we’ll play multiple choice!

The woman pictured above is:

a) Wearing a really badly screenprinted shirt

b) Evidently unaware that she is being attached by a giant leech baby

c) Shockingly alluring

d) Pregnant

If you answered d) Pregnant, you are right!

If you answered c) Shockingly alluring, you are my new best friend (and also probably a little drunk)

So… there it is.  The Teen will be 17 in December.  The Baby , I guess will have to undergo a name change at some point?  The Toddler?  I suppose she could be The Baby because the new one is still The Embryo, soon to be The Fetus – which sounds like a place to buy bongs, hemp jewelry and rare Clash EPs..  Anyway, she will be 2 next month… and this one… this little cupcake…. is due the end of May.

We have no place to put this new baby.  I have a large shoebox from the boots I bought last winter and it’s looking promising.  We don’t have the $2000 a month it will cost us to have both the kids in the Montessori/Reggio school we love.  We don’t know how we will manage 2 little ones at once.

My OB revealed to us that the hernia (that wasn’t cancer balls) that I had surgically repaired  back in June with it’s own little soccer net has busted back out, thanks  to an expanding uterus.

It will need to be repaired again.

With a new soccer net.

She doesn’t know if I can go the whole pregnancy without it being repaired, so I get to see the surgeon again next Wednesday for a consult.

She said, “Boy, I’m surprised they did the repair surgery if you were going to have more kids!”

I said, “Well, we didn’t know we were going to have more kids.”

When I see the surgeon on Wednesday, he will probably say, “WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE GOING TO GET PREGNANT WITHIN 3 MONTHS OF HAVING THIS SURGERY??”

To which I will reply, “Well, my goal in life is to eventually look like Sally from Nightmare Before Christmas. Also, we didn’t know we were going to have more kids.”

The OB investigated the patchwork that is my abdomen.  She ran her fingers down each scar from each old incision. One.. two.. three… four… five… six…

She looked up at me.

I don’t….  I….  I’m just not…. “, she stammered.

Honestly, I don’t know where I can take this baby out.”  (I have had 2 prior c-sections, so I have no other option)

“Maybe HERE…”, she said drawing an invisible line with her hand across the middle of my stomach, horizontally, dissecting my belly button.

Oh, goody.

Her plan is that she’d like to deliver the baby and then step out of the OR and have the surgeon step in, take me deeper on my anesthesia and repair the hernia AGAIN, all at once.  Which to me sounds like a really complicated dance move.  Will there be a nurse by the OR door wearing a Spice Girls headset keeping the show going?

AAAND… 5..6..7…8…. Cue OB! GO! GO!  Let’s move it people.  Baby is out. Repeat baby is out. Cue surgeon! And ACTION!.Annnd.. tell me what you want, what you really, really want!

The OB, I like her.  She said, “This is it.  No more births, ok?” … and I’ll admit it…  I was scared.

Did we make a mistake?  Was this the wrong choice?

We struggled for months to make the decision, Kory especially so.  Weighing the good, the bad, the hard, the money, work, what’s best for the kids, what’s best for our family… and we decided, finally.

We decided we were done.  No more kids.

And then…. we mourned.

A family with 2 only children, essentially…

And then we waivered.

Ok, Universe, we aren’t going to get all fancy or anything.  We aren’t going to TRY, but we won’t PREVENT.  For 6 months, we’ll live in this effortless zone of possibility.  And you know, I’m overweight. I’m 37 years old.  I have chronic anemia.  It’s UNLIKELY to say the least, but we can live with it – because we’ll be able to tell The Baby that we tried.  We’ll be able to tell OURSELVES that we tried… and that’ll be enough.

And two weeks later, I was pregnant.

You hear that sound?

That’s the universe laughing.

And in the spring, when the leaves are fat and green and the nights are just starting to buzz  and smell like barbecue… when the kids are waiting for the last day of school until delicious summer break… when the lilacs start to bloom…

We will welcome our new love and we will marvel at how we could have ever imagined our lives without them.

We will kiss tiny feet, as they kick the air from their big DSW shoebox.

October 11, 2008

Waiting for the Gates of Crazy to open.

Filed under: Uncategorized — denise @ 8:26 am

I haven’t been writing much lately… mostly because I have this BIG THING ON MY MIND and I not quite ready to talk about it here… and it pretty much consumes every brain cell that I have, or used to have.  So, forgive my lapse, please.  I’m almost ready to talk about the BIG THING ON MY MIND and then I’m sure the Gates of Crazy will open back up and I’ll be writing regularly again.

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