I tell you this: I am only writing this post about the finale because to not write ANYTHING would be like trying to hang up on someone when you are on a cell phone. No more days of screaming at someone on my purple Princess phone and SLAMMING IT DOWN in a fury of plastic. Now, one can only hit the “End” button on their cell. Harshly. Which means the only way to come even close to the classic release of pent up anger that was smashing a phone onto the cradle is to end the call when they are in mid sentence… and it’s so not the same. Used to be, you could hang up so hard the other person would actually have to hold their phone away from their ear… now the most you can hope for is a confused, “Hello? Can you hear me now?” when they finally realize you are gone.
I had 3/4ths of a blog written last Tuesday. A torrent of anger at the injustice of it all…. that an ass-clown like Archubarfa would be the American Idol and that it would be so blatantly obvious from the production of the show and the judges comments… and then on Wednesday’s finale and I sat through the yards of ridiculous bullshit to get to the verdict and this is what I hear:
Seacrest: “Ok, this is it. I have in my hand the results of over 90 million votes. The next American Idol is…”
And it’s over. The DVR had stopped recording at that exact moment. Kory and I stare at each other unable to believe that it actually stopped there… it almost seemed planned. One last final ridiculous blow to the American public after a finale of unfathomable suckitude. [I will also remind you that I’d falled down the stairs earlier in the evening, so I wasn’t exactly at the top of my game.] I limped over to the laptap to see, you know, just officially David Archuleta’s name as the next Idol… and there it was…
David Cook Wins Idol!
Wah?
How…is that… possible?
I won’t even go into the fact that I had ALMOST AN ENTIRE BLOG WRITTEN about how DAVID COOK DID NOT WIN because how could anything else even be possible after that show??? But… but… really? And to not have actually heard Ryan say his name and see his reaction and the reaction of the judges and everyone else? It was like just hearing later that Gore didn’t win…
Wha?
How…is that…even possible?
- The whole boxing theme was not only stupid and verging on jumping the shark, it was insulting.
- It was sort of funny, actually, when the announcer called Archubarfa “100 pounds, soaking wet”
- When they both posed at the end of the segment in their leather jackets, trying to make fists and act like they were punching each other, it was possibly the gayest thing I’ve ever seen.
- I hate the Songwriters contest. I hate those stupid, graduation day songs about people being in their moments and living their dreams and realizing their fate and blah blah blah. I hate the songs. I hate that they make them sing them. Go ahead, put them on the next “Praise 11” CD, but PLEASE stop making the contestants sing them.
- I got to hear my Collective Soul song!
- I hate so much when contestants re-sing a past song. I was so proud of Cook when he said he believed the contest to be a progression and wouldn’t want to sing something he’d already done.
- I love the songs that Clive Davis picks for the contestants. It’s always a great choice and usually one of my favorite things they sing all season. Of course, Clive Davis is an extremely powerful man and he makes artists and squashes careers all before breakfast. In fact, I’m only writing this because I’m afraid Clive Davis will have me killed if I don’t.
- NO ONE CAN SING THE PHONEBOOK. THIS TURN OF PHRASE MUST BE BANNED FROM THE SHOW!
- Ryan Seacrest must stop tanning. He is starting to look like an Oompa Loompa.
- It was sure nice to see Michael Johns again.
- Wardrobe people: this is a totally serious offer. Listen up! If you ARE EVER in the Minneapolis area, please contact me because I would like to take you all out for several dozen rounds of martinis and discuss *shrugs* just, you know, slightly… the wardrobe decisions for the finale. Nothing big, just little things like…oh, say…. WHY BOTH THE DAVIDS WERE WEARING STARS (Cook: silver star necklace, Archie: Big star on shirt)… and WHY ARCHUBARFA WAS WEARING A SUIT COAT COVERED IN GROTESQUELY LARGE NAUTICAL ANCHORS?!! Just little things like that… over a few nice martinis. Yum, right?
It’s been a week… I’m over it. I’m happy(?) that David Cook won. Maybe I’m just glad Archubarfa didn’t win? Maybe that’s more accurate. I’m glad that the talent won over the popularity contest. Maybe it’s even a good thing that I can still be punked by Idol. Good that I can’t see everything coming and know exactly how it all will end each season… because what fun would that be, anyway?
I wish I could muster more emotion, but it’s been a week and it’s been a hell of a week for me and… it’s just kind of over. It’s like breaking up over email. Or quitting your job by just leaving at lunch and not coming back.
I admit, there is a little lack of closure on it all.
But you know what? Some time this fall, Idol, you can get wasted and drunk dial me and maybe we’ll get back together…
