November 28, 2008

My mom goes all Thelma & Louise with an ex-nun.

Filed under: Family,Uncategorized — Tags: , , — denise @ 1:30 pm

I talked to my mom last night during the usual Thanksgiving Phonecall and amongst the discussion of parsnips and turkey, we had the following conversation:

Me: So, Kory said he “chatted” with you on IM yesterday.
Mom: Yes! That was a lot of fun!
Me: I think maybe you guys had some communication issues, though, because he’s a little confused about something you said…. *laughing*…. he thought you were leaving Grandma to go work somewhere over Christmas! *laughing more*
….. long pause…….
Mom: Well, I’m considering it.
Me: What is it? Where is it? Kory thought you said cleaning houses?
Me: Keeping WHOSE house, Mom? Where?!
Mom: In the Grand Canyon.
Me: The Grand Canyon. You are going to be a janitor in the Grand Canyon?
Mom: (sighing) It’s just something I’m THINKING about. I can always change my mind.
Me: Ok, explain it again slowly. I feel like I’m missing something. You are going for over a month…
Mom: No! No! It’s like maybe 2 and half weeks!
Me: Ok, you are going for 2 weeks OVER CHRISTMAS to the Grand Canyon to clean people’s houses…… for what……….purpose?
Mom: Well, to bring in some money for one thing. (Says my Master’s Degree educated mother.)
But also, you know, to do something interesting. Also, it’s not people’s homes. It’s a hotel.
Me: Okaaaay…
Me: Okay. It’s cleaning hotel rooms…. I’m just going to stand here and not judge you, ok?
Mom: *laughs* Look- I said I’m just thinking about it.
Me: But, what about Grandma? (Mom my lives with my 85 year old grandmother) You’re just going to leave her alone at Christmas?!
Mom: She said she’d be fine!
Me: But…Mom……. does she have somewhere to go?
Mom: She can… go to dinner with people… and have company… and she said…….she didn’t mind…
Me: And……ok.……. sorry, still trying to wrap my head around this one. You are going with someone?
Mom: Yes! My friend Adele!
Me: The ex-nun?
Mom: Yes. She…… well, she needs to work a certain amount to keep her unemployment.

………long pause……….

Mom: Also, it’s for a hotel. It’s doing housekeeping for a hotel.

……. long pause………..

Me: Mom, you know what people do in hotel rooms, right?
Mom: Yes DEAR… I think I can imagine what might happen in hotel rooms.
Me: Then… just… ICK… I mean really? You’d want to clean up hotel rooms?
Me: Okay……so.

So, what you are telling me is that you want to leave Grandma alone at Christmas and go with your friend, the ex-nun, to the Grand Canyon to work as a housekeeping maid for a hotel so that your friend, the ex-nun, will not lose her unemployment.

Do I have this right?

Mom: *laughs* That about sums it up.

Me: Well… um…. I applaud your sense of adventure.
Mom: It IS an adventure!!
Me: I know. That’s what I’m saying. It’s……… adventurous. That’s the nicest thing I can say about it and still stand here not judging you.
Mom: I’m just THINKING about it.
Me: Okaaay. Well, let me know what you decide…
Mom: Probably, I need to just reconsider this.
Me: Well, I’m not trying to stop you…. I mean, you know you are PRACTICALLY WRITING MY BLOG for me, right?
Mom: *sighs* Yes, honey, I know.

November 26, 2008

Me vs. The Teen – Twilight Smackdown

Scene: Walking out to the car after seeing Twilight, last night,  with my almost 17 year old son.

Act I

The Teen: Oh my god, that movie was sooo good.
Me: I know! I would totally make out with Edward Cullen.
The Teen: (clamps hands over ears) MOM! He’s 17!
Me: No, he’s 107. I’m totally YOUNG for him.
The Teen: I guess. I guess you would be young to a vampire.
Me: TO A VAMPIRE?!!!! RUDE!!!!
The Teen: I meant, you know, ANY vampire.
Me: This is not helping.

Act II – in the car, driving home.

The Teen: Who’s better: vampires or werewolves?
Me: Vampires.
Me: No way! Vampires get to be strong and fast and deadly but also HOT. *grinning*
The Teen: Werewolves are WAY scarier. They are big and faster than vampires – they could rip a vampire TO SHREDS.
Me: Untrue. Also, they have to get all wolfie so they rip up their clothes and they always end up naked somewhere when they change back. It’s totally inconvenient and clearly makes them weaker.
The Teen: So what? They are more ferocious and they don’t care if they are naked. (makes werewolf face at me) RAWR!!!!!
Me: When they wolf out, they don’t have fingers anymore! What if they needed to make a phone call? Or, or… what if they suddenly came to a door that had a passcode and they had to try to put the passcode in their their big slimy noses?
The Teen: MOM – why would a werewolf change BEFORE they went through a door with a passcode? When would a werewolf have to make a phone call? That doesn’t even make sense!
Me: No, I mean… they were already changed and chasing something or maybe a werewolf slayer was chasing THEM. And they need to call a friend for a ride or get through a passcode door? THEY ARE TOTALLY SCREWED.
The Teen: That would never happen.
Me: WHATEVER! It totally could. And they could never play hopscotch. Being all giant and wolfy with legs and tails everywhere.
The Teen: (exasperated) Werewolves do NOT play hopscotch.
Me: You mean, they CAN’T. Vampires can. In fact, they are probably the best at it.
The Teen: Mom…….
Me: Also, what if they suddenly ran into a giant body of water and there was a speedboat there and they could escape but now they can’t because they are a wolf and they can’t turn a key or use a steering wheel! It’s totally impractical!
The Teen: Mom, I just… this is not a logical argument. A werewolf would SWIM across the water, not jump in a boat.
Me: They don’t like to swim.
The Teen: Yes, they do.
Me: No, they aren’t good swimmers. They have too much hair, it gets all water-logged and makes them sink. Or else they are paddling like a Collie on the top and the werewolf slayer just shoots them in the head! A vampire would just hop in the speedboat and escape, easy-peasy.
The Teen: A vampire doesn’t even need to breathe, Mom, he wouldn’t get in the speedboat.
Me: THANK YOU – you just made my point! A SUPERIOR vampire would just sink and walk across the bottom of the river/ocean at his or her leisure… I’m glad you are here to help my argument.
The Teen: *stares at me*
Me: So, in conclusion, vampires are far superior to werewolves because along with their many other talents they can dial phones, enter passcodes, play hopscotch and drive speedboats. UNLIKE werewolves.
The Teen: *puts head in hands*

Act III – still in car, almost home

The Teen: I forgot to make the point about how they communicate TELEPATHICALLY with one another. THAT makes them superior to vampires.
Me: What if they need to talk to a human?
The Teen: What?
Me: A HUMAN. What if they need to talk to a human? Like Jacob needing to talk to Bella, in the book. He CAN’T. He just has to make meaningful dog-eyes at her. It’s lame.
The Teen: *sighs*
………long pause…………
Me: You know, if he had a Scrabble game, he could push the tiles around with his nose to form words if he had something REALLY important to say.
The Teen: Mom…
Me: Of course a vampire could just say it. Or type it. Or email it. Or text message it. Or draw it. Or do an interpretive dance about it. Or sing about it.
The Teen: *sighs again*

The End.

November 25, 2008

A touch of blogstipation.

Filed under: Life — Tags: , , , , , , — denise @ 5:13 am

It’s not writer’s block.

Because then, I’d stare at the screen and wrack my very soul for something to write…

No… I have TONS to write about.  VOLUMES.  ROOMS OF VOLUMES.

NEIGHBORHOODS, FULL OF HOUSES, FULL OF ROOMS OF VOLUMES…  but, honestly, I don’t feel like it right now. I can’t explain it.  I’m too……….tired… to write.

We’ve been invaded by mice – clearly, the Nihm variety, that seek only to outsmart the traps Kory patiently lays for them.

Chad, the squirrel, came back …. the nostalgia of Thanksgiving bringing him to our door once more (or mayhap the heady perfume of banana/peanut butter milkshake, but whatevs) and hilarity and squirrel growling ensued.

The Teen is back.  Mostly.  I mean, he’s visiting at the moment (wherein visiting= hiding in basement and eating an entire box of chocolate donuts in one night)… but there’s news on his front.

The Baby will be 2 ENTIRE years old on Thanksgiving and I owe that kid a blog in a major way….

I’ve had forty-billion “AGED MATERNAL SENIOR CITIZEN GOD YOU ARE TOO OLD TO HAVE A BABY TESTS” that mostly consist of me sobbing at my desk and then… everything turning out to be probably ok.  There is also a lot of this:

Them: Oh! You’re 37!

Me: Yep.

Them: You don’t LOOK 37.  (squinty eyes)

Me: Well, thanks.  The chub helps.  Makes one look younger.

Them: Hm. Well.  Now that we know you are 37, please sit down so we can discuss at length the hundreds…no, THOUSANDS of ways everything can go horribly wrong with your unborn child, the birth, and you… all the many ways that you and your stupid ADVANCED MATERNAL AGE are going to screw everything up for anyone.

Me: Wow.  I’ve never felt so old in my life.

Them: We haven’t even GOTTEN to your weight yet, sucker.

I’m losing weight, as I always do my first trimester… but otherwise, doing quite well despite my obvious need for a walker and an assisted living plan.

The holidays have snuck back up on me.  I’m kind of looking forward to them this year.  I’m hoping that I can avoid any horrible family fights and dramatic sudden escapes in tears this year… and have a Zen couple of days.  I’m too tired to be outraged and too over it to stir up another pot, as I did last year.

I admit it, the holidays don’t always bring out the best in me.  I get over-stimulated (oh, stop it) and cranky and mostly just want to be at home… so all the NOT BEING AT HOME starts to wear on me and sometimes, as a result, I act a teensy bit badly.  AHEM. Several glasses of wine have been known to help this process along.

This year, I vow to NOT accuse my deeply religious father-in-law of having a Jesus Superiority Complex.  I vow to not tell him that his church is a sham.

I vow to not compare my best friend to the Virgin Mary forced to give birth in the barn, after a miscommunication about dinner plans.

I vow to not say the words, “You are all against me!” on Christmas Eve.

Oh yes, I did.

Life… is just tripping along and I’m hoping this little update will act like a metaphorical prune and gets things moving along again.

Sometimes, a little nudge is all you need.

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