February 21, 2009

More AmIdol postcards…

Dear Norman Gentle,

I would imagine that the judges are in the same weird place that I am in that you are obviously talented, wildly entertaining to watch, completely likable… and yet, so thoroughly not appropriate for this show.

And when Nick tried to sing it straight…and then couldn’t get through the song without your true Norman-ness bursting through in fit of Ethel Merman/Liza Minelli channeling wonder… ah, priceless.  But not, you know, Idol.

Also, I feel required to point out that no self-respecting Man Diva would wear khaki shorts or that dreadful headband. The sparkle shirt and the old/new/retro/Kanye-esque glasses are remarkably (and regretably) trying to come back into style.  Lord, spare us.

Your friend,


ps. Can I suggest more JAZZ HANDS?


Dear Nick,

It didn’t work for Paul Rubens (PeeWee Herman) and it didn’t work for RuPaul Andre Charles (The fabulous RuPaul).  It’s not working for you.

Nick is as bland and boring and Norman is funny and endearing.

You started with Norman, you are going to have to stick with him and just ride the ride as far as it will go.

Your friend,


Ps. More jazz hands!


Dear Headband Boy Who Cries ALL The Time,

First of all, it’s driving me insane that I can’t figure out who you look like. Because you LOOK LIKE SOMEONE.  Some kid in some movie… a western?… MY BRAIN IS MELTING FROM TRYING TO FIGURE IT OUT. Meanwhile, I’m dealing with the 1) headband 2) Twin Chin Spikies 3) the skin tight jeans with the bare feet 4) the purple pants 5) the endless array of scarves. It’s as if Steven Tyler, Cher and Pinhead are fighting for fashion dominence.

Honey… listen.  I know you’ve had a hard life.  I know you live with your Gram and your mom is in jail and no one accepts you because of your headband/spikies/scarves and I certainly agree that all people should have a place in life where they feel accepted and appreciated for who they are.  I do!

HOWEVER. There is a little thing is life called COMPROMISE.  If I want to be taken seriously and accepted by others, I don’t – for example –  paint my face with chocolate frosting and fashion outfits out of double-ply toilet paper.  It’s… you know… TOO MUCH.  And if I did choose to break the fashion/social acceptance barrier and do my own thing, I damn well wouldn’t cry about it.  If you want to be wacky ole Nathaniel, then do it!  But do it with pride, damn it.

Your friend,


ps. I’m never going to be ok with the headband.


Dear Matt,

You, my dear, are my second favorite behind Danny.  Certainly, you could move up because Danny has made it clear that he’s pretty sure he’s THE SHIT and while that was a turn on when I was 19, not so much now.  You have a Buble-ness about you that is adorable and I love your voice. I love the idea of a dueling piano guy making the big time, while a bar full of adoring fans get to see their local guy make good.


The only thing… and every season I wrestle with this… is that… well, you’re already a professional.

..and I just can’t decide if that bugs me or not.

I think it does.  Local boy dueling piano guy with 2 CDs out?  Doesn’t have the same ring….

Your friend,



Dear Kristin,

You know, I kind of like that you are sort of awkward… and wear clothes that look like you dressed in the dark.  I kind of like that you have that weird run/waddle/walk and the stupid stripey hair…because it makes you seem so human. Your social ineptitude and bizarre way of presenting yourself is… oddly likable.

You’ve got a little Melissa Joan Hart in you.  A little Mena Survari…

We know you can sing and if we could connect to you as the girl next door… man, you could be the unlikely one that goes really far — the one that Simon called the “not pretty one” could take the whole thing.


What is THIS?

and this………………………….> 

and THIS:

You were on Nashville Star and apparently finished 3rd?

So, what’s with the bumbling around?  What’s with the faux nervousness and the cute little girl act?

I don’t like being duped, Kristin.

Your friend,



Dear Roughneck,

Congrats on making it into the Top 12.  Honestly, I was hoping for Anoop.

I’m not convinced that you can really sing, but I do like your story – and you can thank Bruce Willis and the rest of the cast of “Armegdon” for that.

I’m not trying to be mean, but there is one image that comes to mind repeatedly when I look at you.

That is all.

Your friend,



Dear Carly and Michael,

Don’t ever EVER EVER EVER EVER do that again.

Your friend,


February 20, 2009

This one is for the ladies…

Filed under: Stuff I love — Tags: , , , , , , , , — denise @ 4:35 pm

I’m a makeup snob, I admit it.  I have the Sephora receipts to prove it.  It’s not that spending $26 for an eyeshadow makes me happy, except that dammit, it does.  I keep one-upping myself.  I told myself that Benefit and Urban Decay were as far as I was going… until I got the Stila…. and then Cargo was the end of the line, until I got my Laura Mercier tinted foundation.  I’m telling you Clinique is the marijuana of the make up world… it’s the GATEWAY DRUG MAKEUP that leads one down roads that one can not return from.  What I’m saying is, if you still buy all your makeup at Walgreens and Target – good for you.  At least you’ll never end up in makeup rehab sobbing into your Korres Pomegranate Cleansing and Makeup Removing Wipes while swearing you WON’T BUY THE NARS!

Despite my “little problem”, I have a few bargain items that I absolutely love and wouldn’t trade for anything expensive and I thought I’d share them with you.

This is my favorite mascara:

The rich black has great coverage, it doesn’t flake and it really does lengthen your lashes.

The only slight downside is that is smells very strongly of honey.  If you dig the smell of honey, you are golden.  If, like me, you are a little put off by it… well, you suck it up because it’s a damn good mascara for $5 and if you have to deal with smelling like you’ve plunged you eyeballs into a beehive, so be it.

My can’t live with it eyeshadow:

CoverGirl eyeshadow in “Champagne”.

I use this daily at the very edge of my entire lid. It brightens your eyes/takes the tired look out and makes your eyeliner pop.  It’s ridiculously cheap… I don’t know… $2-3?  Who wouldn’t pay $3 every 6 months to be able to fool the world into thinking you actually got a good night’s sleep and didn’t wander around the house reading magazines, watching Poker After Dark, eating string cheese and peeing every 15 minutes?  I’m just sayin’.

My favorite “lippy”:

I used to be really into Bigelow&Co Mentha lip tint…

But honestly, there is only so much of my life that I can live with half my hair stuck to my lips.  People with the whole front of their hair attached to their mouth just… I don’t know… lose a little bit of credibility in life. To that end, I’m really over lipglosses that are sticky.  I’m going back to basics.

My current faves:

Both are super cheap, and at least IN THEORY, prevent me from peeling my chapped lips off.

My favorite actual gloss that I wear when I want some nice color is:

By Benfit. One side is a watery, rose petal smelling red tint – and the other side is a sweet clear, shiny gloss.   The tint is lovely because it takes on the color of your actual lips…just more rosey.  It’s a very natural look and there is something about putting something that smells like roses on my lips that transports me… just for a moment… to some 1800’s brothel with giant feathers in my hair and layers of ruffled skirts around my ankles.. and man, if you dont’ get that… then I can’t explain it to ya.  This one is a Sephora item — around $20.

Best Hairspray…

I have been using Focus21 hairspray since 1987 and I will continue to use it until the day the pry it from my cold, dead hands… or the day they stop making it (AKA, the day I go on a frenzy and buy up every last bottle known to man-kind).

I don’t know if my hair is used to it, or my brain is used to it – but I have to have it.  It’s cheap ($4) but hard to find – most often located at Ulta.

Does the smell of it still make me crave a Zima with Midori and want to hum “All That She Wants” by Ace of Base?


Cool, huh?

My favorite product in the shower/bath…

Vanilla Chai Sugar scrub cubes by Naiad…sold on Etsy.

They are $13.50 for a jar of them.

If finishing a hot shower feeling scrubbed, shiny, revitalized… and smelling like you’ve just rolled in a pan of gooey cinnamon rolls and rinced off with some spicy tea sounds good to you… do it.  You won’t regret it.

Your man will love how you smell, but he might get annoyed when this is what he hears for several hours after your shower:

Smell me.

Seriously.  Smell me again.

My arm. Smell my arm.

It’s amazing, right?

I know. It’s amazing….

Can you take out the garbage, because it’s interfering with how much you can smell me…

February 17, 2009

I am breaking up with the news.

Filed under: Uncategorized — denise @ 4:03 pm

Stuff I don’t want to hear about anymore:

  • what is happening “across the aisle”
  • peanut butter
  • anything remotely related to Lindsey Lohan
  • “shovel-ready” projects
  • ballots: rejected, counted, recounted – anything about goddamned ballots
  • octuplets
  • A-Roid
  • depression, recession, falling market, consumer confidence
  • Rhianna/Chris Brown
  • The Governor’s proposal
  • anything CD related
  • Bail out
  • The Oscars
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