Dear Bikini Girl,
A few items:
1. You clearly didn’t realize it then, but you will when you watch the show… you were never talented enough. They put you through only to piss off Paula and Kara. And you knew that, right? Thus the bikini and all?
2. The dress with the cut-off shoulders? Yeah. Only hookers living in the penthouse with Richard Gere wear dresses with large parts of the fabric cut out. And, really, she only wore them until she got the charge card.
3. Gross out with the making out with Ryan against his will. However, it seems to play right into what appears to be your long term goal of replacing Tara Reid as the next Skanasaurus Rex.
Your pal,
Deeples
_________________________
Dear Blind Guy,
This is what it’s like (so far) when I watch you perform:
I like him!
He’s good!
Wait, he’s not that good…
Do I only think he’s good because he’s blind?
Kind of like how I only liked that Turkey Farmer Kid because he was all turkey farmer-ish?
No, he’s good…
and look at him playing the piano!
And he can’t even SEE THE KEYS!
Wait. That’s not very PC.
Would I still be impressed that he can play the piano if he could see?
It’s a good thing he doesn’t see all those gaudy gold-framed mirrors on his parent’s wall…
Hmm. That was mean.
He’s pretty good… and that high-five with Seacrest was pretty funny…
Your pal,
Deeples
____________________________
Dear Tatiana,
It appears that you maybe think you are Evita. Or maybe Shakira or Miss America. Or a hysterical braying donkey that blows kisses at people? Who does that overly dramatic blowing kisses thing, again?
Oh yeah.
Your pal,
Deeples
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Dear Danny,
AKA, Robert Downey Jr, pre-drugs, pre-rehab, pre-jail.
My money’s on you, baby.
Love,
Deeples
__________________________________
Dear Osmond Guy,
If all things Osmond didn’t terrify me, I’d like you.
However, it goes like this:
1. Clowns
2. Dolls that move or have secret powers
3. Dark alleys
4. Osmonds
5. Dental work
6. Spiders
etc.
Your pal,
Deeples
______________________________
Dear Anoop,
You have a nice voice, actually… but the problem is, nothing you have sung so far goes well with the constant soundtrack in my head.
Noop! Noop de doop. Noop de doop de doop de doop. YOU MAKE ME WANT TO NOOP NOOP NOOP…
(sigh).
Your pal,
Deeples
_______________________
Dear Adam,
Rock on you little Emo cutie-pie.
Careful… there is a line with black hair dye, eyeliner and chain accessories.
There is a line that CAN be crossed.
Are you a little David-ish? Yeah. Do you have a similiar giant forehead. Yep.
But you can also SING, dollface.
Go gettum.
Love,
Deeples
___________________________
Dear Jesse (Jessica) Langseth,
Hi Johnny Lang’s little sister.
Didn’t think we’d find out, did ya?
Well, guess what HOMETOWN GIRL… we know now!!! And we loves you!!!
Your pal,
Deeples
_________________________________
And a special note to our new judge, Kara…
Dear Kara,
I’ve been prepared to dislike you for quite some time. I’d heard, months before the show started, that you weren’t particularly kind to contestants. That you sang, occasionally, to show them how a song was SUPPOSED to sound.
From early pictures it was clear that I was going to have issues with your wardrobe and jewelry (it can never be as bad as Paula, right? Right?!)…
After seeing you on, I don’t know, 6 shows so far between the auditions and whatnot?
I like you.
A lot.
I would say the things you would say, and I would sing a song to show someone how it was supposed to be done if I was a Grammy-winning songwriter/artist. I would!
So, cram it, Rob. She rocks. :p
Love,
Deeples
