April 10, 2006

Bong bong bells

Filed under: Life — denise @ 6:55 pm

Bong Bong Bells

Dani and I rode the lightrail to the MOA (Mall of America) during lunch today (yes, it does seem like I’ve been there a lot, lately). I was actually RETURNING a makeup item to Sephora.. so I was being a good girl.  I made only one purchase that was a Barnes & Noble — and it was the new book by my favorite author!

A Dirty Job : A Novel

(most hilarious writer EVER)

… and we’re riding back to work and I’m telling her about how we are going to Kory’s parents church for Easter service on Sunday and how the only thing I’m looking forward to are the Bong Bong Bells- which I never experienced growing up in the Catholic church.

You know, the people that line up with all the hand bells, wearing their little special gloves and ridiculously mouthing two.. THREE… four…  over and over again. They all look sort of panicky and at least one of them counts out loud in their nervousness… and I just LOVE it.  The tension is fantastic.

Anyway, out of nowhere, this large woman sitting behind Dani chimes in and starts telling us this story about how she plays the hand bells (she was not amused by me calling them bong bong bells) and she specializes in the LARGE BELLS (the D and E, she called them) – and last Easter, during warm-ups she accidently SMASHED HERSELF IN THE HEAD with the bell and split her head open and bled all over the bells.

Oh. My. God.

And then she kind of lifts up her hair, and she’s got this, like, 3 inch white/pink jagged scar running right through the middle of her forehead.

I’m stunned, because, SWEET FANCY MOSES! – I never go to church. I never talk about church. I never talk about bong bong bells … and here I mention them in front of a woman who nearly took her own life with a D bell ? (or E bell, she wasn’t specific.)

What are the freakin’ odds?  Seriously!

“I’m like Harry Potter, now.” she says, proudly.

Dani and I telepathically agreed to NOT look at each other and to try our damnedest to wipe the “Errrrr?” looks off our faces.

How wrong is it to hope that someone will smash their head with one this Sunday?  I mean, how do you even not laugh?

Man… I already have the giggles about this and the service isn’t for 6 more days.   I’m screwed.

April 9, 2006

Egg Blowers

Filed under: Life — Tags: , — denise @ 6:55 pm

Egg Blowers

Julie came over Saturday and we headed out to Michael’s crafts to buy all the stuff we needed to make the Easter trees.  We ran into a serious problem with the eggs as Michaels didn’t have any craft ones – so we decided to just blow out regular eggs and paint them.

It’s actually quite an easy process. You poke a tiny hole in one end with a tack.  On the other end you make a bigger hole – about the size of corn kernal. You take a pin or an opened paperclip and you stir the inside up to crack the yolk — and then you blow as hard as you can on the tiny hole end. This, in and of itself, makes a mighty farting noise as you are attempting to blow through a hole this size ——->  .

Out of the larger hole end comes rushing/gushing/slurping egg.  It makes the most realistic diarrhea-sound  – you will be amazed.  We needed 20 of them so we giggled and dry-heaved our way through almost 2 dozen of them.  I took a picture of Julie doing it. She took a picture of me.  We both laughed at Peter when he tried and broke his egg all over the place….

Julie looked at me, completely amazed.

“This is the grossest craft I’ve ever done!”

“Yes!” I said…   “Yes, it is.”

April 8, 2006

I beg your damn pardon.

Filed under: Life — Tags: , , , — denise @ 3:14 am

Thursday, my boss took our team to lunch at the Mall of America.

We went to Tucci Bennuch and it was… alright.  I split a chopped salad and FAMOUS BAKED SPAGHETTI with a coworker.  The chopped salad had just enough bleu cheese and bacon in it to be KILLER and just enough wilted greens and grainy tomatoes in it to make it RAUNCHY so….. I give it a C .   The baked spaghetti, which frankly – everyone at our table made a giant fuss over – was the weirdest, rudest, most tasteless bunch of nothing ever.  With a crust.  This is after I’ve sworn myself to be a Pasta-Free Zone!  But everyone was mental over it… and now I feel duped.  (Much like how I felt after seeing “Brokeback Mountain”.)

We went to Sephora after that… and yes, I was in make-up heaven.  I think they should rename it: Sephora- The Greatest Place on Earth.  I know I go to a different place when I’m there… I do know that.  I open the drawers at the bottom of the displays that only the employees are supposed to open. I ask endless unanswerable questions.  I approach perfect strangers to tell that how ABSOLUTELY BREATHTAKING they would look in “Socialite” shadow by “Too Faced”.  I simply can not help it.  So, after 15 minutes, I’ve convinced all my coworkers to buy GLITTER EYELINER — can you imagine?? And they all love it! And want to buy it!  God, if only you could sell makeup like real estate… I’d be so rich…  anyway, my boss  leans over to me and says, “Wow, Denise. You should totally work here!”

… and my delirious smile slips off my face as I realize my BOSS just said this to me… that I… should work at a…a…a… make up store???  In the….the… *gasp* MALL?!!!!

I could have died.

“But, then I couldn’t work for you!”, I stammered….

“I just meant you look so happy in here.”, she says “People should do what makes them happy.”


It is at this point that I convince her – a woman in her late 50’s – that she MUST buy some navy blue/purple glitter eyeliner that makes her look a little burlesque.

I can just as easily use my powers for evil….

The MALL, indeed….

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