deeples

But not for looooooong….

Alaina – “Hopelessly Devoted”

I’m sure that many of you didn’t watch the reality show, “Grease! You’re the one that I want!” I, however, did. Every. single. show. This means, for the purposes of this critique that I have heard the song “Hopelessly Devoted” sung about, oh, 300 times. I’ve heard it sung by tall people and short people and pretty people and ugly people and men and women and children… and I’ve HEARD this song, ok? This means that even weeding out the crazies, I’ve heard this song sung better than you about 50 times. Dude. Not good.

Further, that dress looks like… well, it looks like something catastrophic MUST have happened to your real dress. Like, your real dress caught on fire or someone bled all over it or it was stolen by some stage-hand who is selling it on Craigs List. That dress you wore on stage is clearly home-made by someone only vaguely introduced to a Singer sewing machine. It’s bunchy and hangs all akimbo. Ok, truth – it looks like you used a stapler to hem the bottom. WHERE IS TIM GUNN WHEN I NEED HIM?

Lushington – “If you Leave Me Now”

Wow. How the mighty have fallen. The baby hates you now, I hope you know. So, this week you chose to dress like um… Pete Wentz? A skater with a chest cold? Man, am I just getting old or was her outfit like something completely bonkers?

It was not a good song choice.. and worse, she looked defeated. She was hang-dog and almost embarrassed and that left no room in anyone’s mind that it wasn’t a good performance. I still like to say your name… and I hope you make it through because I’m sure the outfit you come up with for 80’s week will blow my mind.

Amanda – “Carry On My Wayward Son”

Multiple Choice – Which of the following did Denise yell at the TV?

a. I love this song! I love Kansas! *claps hands*

b. Seriously? Seriously with the hair?

c. How on earth did she get her hands on David Lee Roth’s pants from the “Runnin’ With the Devil” tour?

d. I wish she’d sing “Hopelessly Devoted”.

e. The blond eyebrows have bred and multiplied. They are taking over her face.

f. Ugh. I mean, UGH! I’m just so sick of her.GROWL! GROWL! SCREAM! GROWL!

g. All of them. Denise said all of them.

Dr. E (Asia’h) – “All By Myself”

Headlines read: “THE ONLY THING FLATTER THEN HER NOTES WAS HER HAIR”

Tossed the sassy Rosie curls. Kept the Jenny From the Block earrangs. (Okaaay,mami.)

How has no one learned to never cover Celine, Whitney or Mariah? HOW?!

Brooke – “You’re So Vain”

Loooooved it. Perfect for her voice. The guitar really worked. I’d love to see her cover Edie Brickell when we get to the 90’s week. One of my favorites of the night.

Carly – “Crazy On You”

Also loved this performance. I’m a big Heart fan and you did it justice. Your outfit is mega-weird, but you are so quirky that you can pull it off. Plus, you have that whole European thing going on which totally means you can get away with wacky clothing choices because it only makes you seem MORE European and then there’s the whole owning a tattoo shop,which totally gives you wacky cred, you know? Plus, when you say, “HOOOSbund”, in reference to your spouse, I totally crack up. Ask Kory. Since I repeated “HOOOSbund” like 35 times after that. I’m fun like that.

Kady – “Magic Man”

Positive note: Your imitations are sort of funny.

Not so positive note: Your talent is sparse.

Semi-negative note: You look veeeery sleeeeeeeepy. No more wine and Valiums!

A little negative note: Really? Big weird Skittles on the front of your dress?

Negative: That ain’t opera.

Kristy – “You’re No Good”

I will say this, I think this girl is gorgeous… and I love this outfit. It’s simple, but it fits her so well and makes her body look fantastic… and if some future life I HAVE to be reborn as a thin gorgeous girl with long legs and a tiny little waist, I would like to wear this outfit just once. I probably won’t insist on standing the entire time like I’m waiting for a galloping horse to come by so I can fling myself on it’s back, as Kristy is partial to doing…. but still. Finally, I will remind the contestants that one should never sing a song that they wouldn’t want to ironically have to sing when they are kicked off the show and forced to do an encore. Plan ahead, kids.

Marmalade (Ramiele) – “Don’t Leave Me This Way”

I hate this song. I like this girl. I hike this performance. I mildly hate it. Or glancingly like it. You pick.

Syesha – “Me and Mr. Jones”

Just terrible. The girls are either awesome or sucking it up tonight. I hate when they kill songs like this – songs where you know it would have BLOWN YOUR MIND if they’d sang their socks off. When they sing them half-assed like this, it’s not just a disappointment because (at least if you are me) the disappointment is even greater because I know I would have lost my mind if this song had been done right.

The hair, my dear, appears to be creating it’s own zip code. And headbands with the scarfy thing attached are kind of last year, you know? Let’s take the whole thing down a notch, shall we?

Tonight’s prediction to go is…. Kady and Alaina.

Bring on the 80’s!

70’s week! Whoo! I say do a little dance… make a little love… get down tonight..

OOih! OOih!

Chikezie – “I Believe To My Soul”

Between my friends Jeff and Tracy, this week I have heard this man referred to as both:

AND

His unique thing was something about how people have always pronounced his name wrong. Hellooo? Your name is not Bob. Or Matt. Or something even kind of tricky like Batholomew. It’s apparently supposed to be pronounced chik-EE-ay-zeh. Instead of chick-easy. Dude, I think you have a subliminal thing going on with the current pronunciation and should just LEAVE IT ALONE.

His performance was quite good, though I wasn’t familiar with the song. He was relaxed and as I now apparently will hear EVERY FIVE MINUTES OF MY LIFE, it was in his “wheelhouse”.

Anyone have Carlton going on…or just me?

Daniel – “Superstar”

Don’t you remember you told me you loved me, baby?

You said you’ll be coming back this way again, maybe…

Kory says to me, “It’s just so weird hearing that voice come out of that guy.”

It’s not weird. IT’S FIERCE! SAY IT WITH ME! FIERCE!

Archubarfa – “Imagine”

Ok – so we performed a little experiment in my house during his performance. I didn’t look at the TV at ALL — not even to see him walk out, nothing. I was trying to figure out if this intense visceral reaction was visual or audio or both. So, I turn and face the wall and I hear him talking about meeting and singing for Kelly Clarkson.. blippity.. blappity…

Then he starts singing the 3rd verse of one of my favorite songs… and it’s…. not bad. It’s… kind of good… *raises eyebrows* Kory is staring me down. “Sooo?”, he says. “Soo!!??” “Well, it was pretty good.” Kory sits back with a smug smile. I’m not sure why this pleased him. I can only assume that he was a closet Archuleta fan and hadn’t presented himself to me as such, for the sake of happy marriage. Much in the same way he will not admit to me that it does actually annoy him that I hum in my sleep.

So, I back the show up and replay his performance and this time, I watch….

AND I CAN’T STAND IT!

He sounds nasal and pitchy and like he’s sort of swallowing the best notes. Imagine all the… PEOPLE… — that note. That high note that John Lennon just allowed to roll off his lips and tongue like so much hot cocoa sounded like Archy was passing a kidney stone. UUNGGG! UNGGGGG!

So, experiment concluded. I believe it is safe to say that I have some sort of visual issue with this kid.

David Cook – “Alright Now”

I loved his performance – the guitar was just right. I’m irritated that the BANDANA is still in his back pocket.

Hernandez – “Papa Was a Rolling Stone”

There are SO MANY Davids. So, I’m going to last names from now on.

God, I feel like Randy. I mean, I don’t have anything super life-changing to say. I didn’t love it. I didn’t hate it. I’m glad you aren’t wearing another god-awful stained shirt but now it’s your week to wear the weird hoody/suitcoat combo?? WHAT IS THAT? Also, I don’t mean to point out the obvious, but I don’t think America was exactly surprised that you were a gymnast growing up. Not a big mental stretch on that one, honey.

Jason Castro – “I Just Want To Be Your Everything”

He’s like a pretty little dread-locked porcelain doll, idn’t he? I just want to pet him and carry him around in my backpack.

So, I like this kid’s voice and I’m really looking forward to the inevitable “Extreme Makeover” and frankly, you could sing the theme from “Bosom Buddies” to me as long as you are playing the guitar because dudes that play the guitar increase their hotness by like 4000%. I’m not sayin’. I’m just sayin’. The thing about Jason is… he has this tiny bit of an affectation where he slurs his words together like he’s been hittin’ the bottle.

“Ooooh Ahhh…. Ahh jushwanna bee your everything..” Since the judges were pissy about his guitar, I’m sure he’ll sing without it next week and I suppose we’ll call that Experiment #2 for Denise on the Likability Scale.

Yeager – ” Long Train Runnin”

So, ugh, another Jason. Evidently this year the winner has a 67% chance of being named Jason or David… at least if it’s a guy.

Horrible. I expect him to go tonight. I’m really not sure how he got this far?

You can’t expect the fact that you look like Jerry O’Connell to get you far in life, buddy!

Luke – “Killer Queen”

Here’s the thing, the only artist that I like singing in falsetto is Prince. And even that, I’m iffy on. I mean, I can handle 4 minutes of “Kiss” by one of my favorite artists (and I of course mean Pre-Jehovah’s Witness, Pre-Rainbow Children, Pre-suck Prince) … but I can NOT handle any more of your crazy falsetto, Luke. I’d like to insert here some half baked Leno-esque joke about Chapter6 being just a step from bankruptcy, but I’m WAY too cool for that. Mostly.

Michael – “You Can Go Your Own Way”

1. Oh my, that was some rough singin’. I hated it EVEN WHILE LOOKING AT YOU. Terrible performance, I thought. Did you even practice? It was like you were screeching for the notes!

2. We don’t use the word “Jock” to describe boys who play tennis in America, darling.

3. I still love you.

Robbie – “Hot Blooded”

America is not surprised that you like cars, Robbie. Geez, could the boys have anything LESS interesting to tell America? I found your performance to be bland… just like you. And the thing is, I know you loves you some rock-n-roll, but if it doesn’t SUIT you, it doesn’t suit you. My mother, for some unfathomable reason, loved Guns-n-Roses. I know. Freakish. My mother’s usual fare was a little Carpenters, maybe some Barbara, a smidgen of Chicago… and Guns-n-Roses. My mom, in the car, wailing to “Take Me To Jungle” was wrong on so many levels. (Shivering now, remembering her doing the Kn-N-N-N-N- Knees! Knees! part…) Just because she enjoyed it, didn’t mean that it didn’t creep everyone else out, honey. That’s all I’m saying. Give country a whirl. Also, you could do with about half the accouterments on your pantalones, amigo.

Ok — so my prediction for the two going home this week are….

Yeager and Luke

Oh baby, here come the 80’s!

As a whole, I thought the girls were pretty disappointing compared to the guys. But then, as a female I am genetically coded to tear other females down. MUST. FIGHT. MY. DNA. Oh… can’t… hold… on…..

Alaina Whitaker – “More Today Than Yesterday”

Pros: Pretty. Youngest contestant. Quirky Jordan factor.

Cons: Boring. Carrie Underwood did it better. Listen, I know it’s early in the blog to start a rant. I try to ease into it… go slowly… but I really despise the whole sleeve on one arm and no sleeve on the other arm look. The colors in the shirt and the jeans are cute but I hate the sleeves. Pick a look! Sleeves or no sleeves! Get off the fence!

Alexandrea Lushington – “Spinning Wheel”

Pros: Love the song. Love her voice. I’ll tell you this, the baby went TOTALLY APE SHIT when she started singing. She was staring at the TV and yelling at the top of her voice and doing her funny little George Jefferson meets Bill Cosby dance that she does and remained completely riveted for the entire performance. The baby was such a spaz that I had to actually replay this performance to even hear it. So, she for SURE has the baby vote. Ooh! Ooh! And how fun is it to say, “Lushington”?!

Cons: Honey, you must never again dress like Gallagher. Honestly, those suspenders….

Amanda Overmyer – “Baby Please Don’t Go”

Pros: Unusual voice. Distinct in her rockermama-ness. Awesome jeans. I thought she fended off the criticism quite well – she was very “sure”, “whatever” , just kind of nodding her head with a little jerk of her chin like she didn’t give a damn what anyone thought of her. It was a little Leather Tuscadero, really. I was waiting for her to slap her legs two times and make “gun-fingers” at them… and I kind of dig that about her. The only person I wanted to be, growing up, MORE than Leather Tuscadero was…well.. Pinky Tuscadero.

Cons: Please show us something different. I’ve only heard you sing like 3 times and I already feel like I have reached my life time maximum of hearing you sing. Please do something with your hair. The whole color thing, frankly, looks like you have two extremely out of place blond eyebrows.

Amy Davis – “Where the boys are”

Pros: Cute top? Hell, I got nothin’, here.

Cons: Terrible. It actually sort of drains my life force to listen to someone scooooop there way through this song and not ever actually hit the notes. I listened to her slither and slide her way through this song until I was a limp puddle of sorrow on the floor.

Asia’h Epperson – “Take Another Piece of My Heart”

Pros: Cute. Fun. Great song choice. Also, my doctor for many years was Dr. Epperson and I thought he was the bees knees. I used to call him “Doctor E”. Since I am perplexed and flummoxed by names with apostrophes in the them, I will call her “Doctor E”, as well.

Cons: A smidge Rosie Perez. Who, you know, makes me want to punch myself in the face whenever she talks.

Brooke White- “Happy Together”

Pros: Nice voice. Interesting Sophie B. Hawkins- vibe. And yes, I know I’m over-using “vibe”, OK? But I don’t KNOW these people like I will in a few weeks – all I have to make my bitter, catty remarks are VIBES, baby. VIBES.

Cons: Just kill me now with the “I’m so pure you could pound me up into little flakes and make an Ivory soup bar out of me” business. Listen, if you want to live your life without ever drinking or eating fast food or watching HBO or whatever it is you think makes you so unique and clean, I have news for you, sister – MORE FOR ME.

I had this friend a few years ago who liked to brag about the fact that he’d never had a drink, never had caffeine, never smoked, never had sex – all things he was very proud of at the age of 30. I don’t mind admitting that I was not a little disturbed by this news. I had a raging internal debate in which part of me wanted to throw him down and pour a bottle of wine, a cup of coffee and a cigarette in his mouth and the other part of me wanted to step carefully away from him as non-threateningly as possible and escape. I can’t imagine a life without vice and people who can resist them totally freak me out. Sue me.

Carly Smithson – “Shadow of Your Smile”

Pros: She’s magically delicious! Great voice. Very personable. Rockin’ accent.

Cons: The whole previously signed by MCA thing that makes her seem like she isn’t a “found” talent. We all like the fairytale feel of someone just stepping off the street from their job at a car wash and becoming the new Idol. Also, while notable, your tiny little vampire fangs are actually sort of cute.

Joanne Borgella – “I Say A Little Prayer for You”

Pros: Beautiful plus size girl.

Cons: Terrible song choice. I mean, does ANYONE on this planet not wince at the “togethah! forevah! forevah and evah!” part? Also, I do not feel that I should have to tell a MODEL that you must never wear navy blue and black together. Also, no white shoes after Labor Day. Not as applicable in this situation, but equally set in stone. Also, I don’t think anyone named “Joanne” has much of a shot at winning Idol. It’s just not a CD-selling name, really. Then again, I wouldn’t have thought anyone named Fantasia would win, either…. and SPEAKING OF WHICH, have you SEEN her, lately? I’m sorry, but she looks like Pepe L’Pew on crack.

Fantasia when she left as the winner of A.I:

Fantasia today: (I’m not sayin’. I’m just sayin’…)

Moving on….

Kady Malloy – “Groovy Kind of Love”

Pros: A good song choice. I like the tone of her voice.

Cons: I hardly remember her.

Kristy Lee Cook “Rescue Me”

Pros/Cons: Here’s the thing: Isn’t this the girl from the auditions who was all wild, curly hair and racing around on a horse through the woods and talking about how she lives in a one-room cabin with her dog and a Grizzly Bear named “Ben”? Er… because she is ALSO the one who previously had a record contract, right? And now she looks all, “Hi, I’m Kirsten Dunst when she doesn’t look like ass.” So, who IS she? Which one? Kristy Lee Medicine Woman? Tiffany throw back? Also, she’s one of those KEEP THE TIME BY OPENING AND CLOSING MY HAND ON THE MICROPHONE PEOPLE and those people drive me insane. That is all.

Ramiele Malubay- “You Don’t Have to Say You Love Me”

Pros: I love her voice and I didn’t even freak out at the “Belieeeeeeeeeve me” part that people normally slaughter mercilessly. She really nailed it, I thought. She’s tiny and pretty and talented.

Cons: Well, you can imagine how much Spellcheck liked her name. I’m not sure how to say it but it makes me think of marmalade, which is for SURE the black sheep of the jam world… and this isn’t really a CON but – Holy Christian Serriano from Project Runway hair! (Yes, I have successfully worked him into BOTH blogs)

FIERCE!

Syesha Mercado – “Tobacco Road”

Pros: The first time through, I thought you did a nice job on this song… and I like your exotic look.

Cons: The second time I listened to it… YEEPS. It was a pitchy, wobbly mess. I was all prepared to forgive your “Oh poor me I’m so sick with bronchitis I have to carry around a wipe board to communicate with my peeps” crap – mostly because I, too, had a raging bout of bronchitis a few weeks ago and it really does kick your ass. But, you know, now I not only don’t forgive you, but I’ve got my eye on you. Vast improvement necessary.

For the record, the only acceptable time one can carry around a sign to write on is if one lives in the wilds of Montana and has a stroke. If confused, see “Legends of the Fall”.

Who should have gone home: Kady and Amy

Who did go home: Amy and Joanne

Tonight — 70’s NIGHT!