April 30, 2008

American Idol Top 5 (Subtitle: Paulagate ’08)

Filed under: American Idol,Television — Tags: , — denise @ 2:49 pm

I was in a big hurry watching Idol this week, so I was fast-forwarding like a banshee through anything that wasn’t one of the Idols with a microphone.  It’s because of this that I initially missed “Paulagate ’08“.


My friend Julie says to me, “Oh my God, can you believe Paula last night?”

And a tiny volcano of panic goes off in my head that I might have missed some critical Paula moment.

“Shit!” I say, “I was fast-forwarding!  What did I miss?!”

Oh. MY. God.” Julie begins… and then tells me about how Paula critiqued Jason’s first AND second performance when he’d only sung one song from notes she appeared to have scribbled on a Kleenex with her eyeliner pencil.  

Later that morning, a reader sent me an article on Paulagate and video of the actual moment.  (Thanks Alison! Thanks Ryan!)  I have a hard and fast rule that I never read other A.I. blogs before I write my own because I’m afraid I’ll taint myself or steal from other people because, let’s face it, I’m as likely to taint and steal as the next guy…  but these were exclusively about Paula and the gasp that was heard around the world. 

The following are currently conspiracy theories and my own thoughts:

1.  Paula took notes during the dress rehearsal and was reading those. (Conspiracy theory)

2.  Paula was reading notes that the producers told her to say and she accidently read ahead. (Conspiracy theory)

3. Paula was actually reading David Cook’s notes, not Jason’s second song notes. (What Paula claimed)

4. Paula is a time traveler. (Seacrest)

5. Paula is a total nut-job.  (Me.)

I think we can immediately discard #4, because a time traveler would just find out who will win the next Superbowl or what last week’s Powerball numbers were and be done with it… and let’s face it, Paula is confused by doorknobs and clocks… so we know she isn’t deftly moving through the space-time continuum.

#3 is equally unlikely as the comment that he’s “losing his charm and isn’t fighting hard enough” are SO JASON and not at all David Cook (especially since she told David he was “fantastic!”)

#1 -Paula is writing notes during rehearsals – this one is really disturbing to many of the noted Idol bloggers out there who feel that the judges should not be privy to any rehearsals or song choices, etc, prior to the live show.  I have to admit, this doesn’t bother me at all.  Paula has said many times in the last 7 seasons things like, “I heard you sing that perfectly earlier…” when referring to someone’s nerves getting the best of them, etc.  So, I don’t see how it can be any big surprise that Paula, at least, has been sitting in on rehearsals.

#2 is the most disturbing – that the producers have their favorites and have given the judges pre-packaged blurbs to say about each performance.  It’s possible.  It’s reality TV, kids, and we must accept that there is no such thing as unscripted reality in the television world.  I have thought many times, myself, while listening to the judges gush and froth over Archubarfa that they can’t all really love him that much… that Simon can’t really be that enthralled with the Fire and Ice themepark performances he gives every week… can he?   Or is someone handing him a cue card that says,

Sell David A.  Tell the American people this is what they want.  They will listen to you. Sell! Sell! If we can convince them to buy Fords, we can convince them to buy ANYTHING! You sold them 4 swarthy Italian opera singers! You can do it!”

Finally we come to #5.   Paula is a nutjob.  This is less a theory than a factual statement served up as a symptom that explains a dilemma.  Should she really be allowed to judge these kids?  Are her comments actually harming their growth and development?  Do the American people deserve a non-crazy person judging their idols?!!

Honestly…. I’m cool with it.

I love Crazy Paula

I love when I see her with her hair all whacked out and falling down and weird inexplicable jewelry because I know it will be a good show… Crazy Paula always looks like she just accidently ran through a car wash and then fell in the bargain bin at Claire’s.  Contolled Paula always looks sort of put-together and calm… but Crazy Paula – she straps on the bling and busts out the AquaNet and lets it all hang out.  Crazy Paula is going to be standing and boogyin’ down the whole show, she’s going to forget their names (she called Syesha, “Brooke”), she’s going to be a garbled, mush-mouthed, sweaty, fantastic MESS…. and that’s… ok.

Last night’s show was ridiculously frenzied and badly produced.  No one seemed to know what was happening, Seacrest was reading off numbers like it was a cattle auction, the kids weren’t on stage when they were supposed to be half the time…   directions kept changing and I think we all know that this is not a good climate for Crazy Paula.

And me?  I love every minute of it.

Performance critiques to come…

April 29, 2008

Itchy & Scratchy ~ What Matt Said ~ Easy Money

Filed under: Triple play — denise @ 9:50 am

Itchy & Scratchy

itchy et scratchy

I am both Itchy AND Scratchy.  I am also Weepy, Cussy, Yelly, and Lunaticy.  I spent 2 days sleeping and now I’ve spent the last 2 days NOT SLEEPING and instead crying on the couch at 3am, piling bags of corn and green beans and peas on my feet, hands and ankles and spitting and snarling at anyone who tries to approach me.   I now believe, INTENSELY, that itching is far, far, FAR worse than pain.  Pain, you can dull enough to sleep at night with pills or booze.  Pain, you can just sort of succumb to… but itching…  constant, unforgiving itching will truly make a person insane. 

I can’t swear to this, but it’s possible that if someone had offered to just saw my legs off below the knee for me last night, I would have at least considered the offerSincerely. I would have been more comfortable laying naked in an ant-pile while chickens pecked my eyes and David Archubarfa sang “It’s a Small World” in my ear…

The real question is, what the hell am I going to do with 4 bags of thawed vegetables?

What Matt Said

I still laugh when I think about an email my friend Matt sent me regarding my infusions. He wrote:

“Infusion sounds so innocuous – you usually hear it in terms of adding scents:  “this product is infused with the scent of lilacs and grandma’s apple pie.”

How can something that sounds so pleasant be so awful?”

I agree.  The old treatment used to be called “Dextran” – which totally sounded like a Decepticon or a villainous android.   The new one, Venofur, sounds like a sweet little fairy’s name.   Or maybe a wittle kitty.   Or a tiny wittle kitty with butterfly wings!

Evil Robot <—- DEXTRAN

Blue Fairy <–  Venofer

To the makers of iron infusions I say, “ DON’T SCAM ME, BUB.”

Let’s just call it “Black Screaming Willies” and be done with it.  

(The stuff is actually black, did I tell you that?)

Photobucket  <—  This is it.

Easy Money

Kory: (looking at The Baby this morning)  Look at her!

Me:  Cute, huh?

Kory:  She’s the most adorable thing EVER.  We made that!

Me: They should pay us to reproduce.

Kory:  I know!


April 28, 2008

Send in the hives

Filed under: Deranged Denise — Tags: , , , , , , — denise @ 10:10 am

This is a hive:

red spot

These are the hives that appeared on my feet, ankles, elbows and knees by Sunday evening:

red polka-dots

These are the hives that appeared on my hands and stomach, as well, by 2am last night:

red polka-dotsred polka-dotsred polka-dotsred polka-dots

These are the pink pills I am taking every 2 hours to offset the horrible itchy hives (evidently, a delayed reaction to the iron infusion):


Consequently, I’m a bit groggy today…

I feel like this:

box head

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