November 5, 2008

Don’t go to Target, unless you want to hyperventilate.

Filed under: Around Town,Life — Tags: , , — denise @ 12:10 pm

A haiku:

The Christmas season

sneaks up on me yearly, and

Santa makes me cry.


Miles of paper wrap

that I can not live without

I hate by next year.


We’d need 4 trees to

actually use all these

fucking ornaments.


Shamefully, I have

to admit I secretly

love Hickory Farms.

Feel free to use them on your greeting cards this year!

(No charge.)

October 6, 2008

A weekend full of lessons learned. (or not)

Filed under: Family — Tags: , , , , — denise @ 6:32 am

1. If you really, really need to sleep – if just getting some rest is something you would, say, exchange a year of your life for – your cell phone will ring every 20 minutes for 2 hours.  And like the slumbering fool that will keep smacking the snooze button instead of just turning it off, you will pick your cell phone up and look at who is calling, curse their name, and roll over and go back to trying to sleep without a) turning the ringer off or b) turning the entire phone off, or even c) throwing the phone across the room. This is why they don’t let pilots fly tired, people.

2. It’s just never a good idea to force your family to have have FAMILY HOLIDAY FUN by making caramel apples if they are not the mood. Timing is crucial when heating up caramel and it’s difficult to maintain that delicate balance while keeping various family members in headlocks.

3. I would further recommend that if caramel apple-making bombs, don’t just assume that making Halloween cookies will make everyone feel better.  Unless, of course, spending 30 minutes making your own homemade cookie sugar glaze and then dying it orange, green, yellow and black and then throwing all the bowls of icing in the sink in anger and watching a pound of powdered sugar spin in an orangish, yellowy, green/black swirl down the drain makes you feel better. Then, by all mean, don’t let ME stop you.

4. It is possible to go to Target 5 times in one weekend.  Not recommended, but possible.

5. You could scream at someone, “JUST PUT THE DAMN SYRUP ON THERE! GOD! YOU DON’T NEED TO MICROWAVE IT FIRST! GEEZ, SPOILED MUCH?“, except if you do, somehow the syrup container (that is indeed microwavable) will somehow never get put away all weekend, and every time you see it sitting on the counter you will remember what a shrewish, moody jerk-face you’ve been all weekend.

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