deeples

October 22, 2008

Dropping the bomb.

Filed under: Family,Life,Love,pregnancy,Uncategorized — Tags: , , , — denise @ 5:52 pm

Many of you already know… in fact, I waited so long to post here about it because I absolutely did not want anyone I loved to read about it here – because while you may be imagining that I handle sneering comments like, “Gee, so glad I had to READ YOUR BLOG to find out“, with diplomacy and grace… I fear, I do not.

I would respond by either going, “Tough shit, jerkface.” or immediately bursting into tears.    Some people have fight or flight response, I have asshole or sobbing mess response.

That said, if I haven’t told you… please don’t think I don’t love you.  I just finally had to get it out. I couldn’t wait any longer.

Here is a clue:

Now, we’ll play multiple choice!

The woman pictured above is:

a) Wearing a really badly screenprinted shirt

b) Evidently unaware that she is being attached by a giant leech baby

c) Shockingly alluring

d) Pregnant

If you answered d) Pregnant, you are right!

If you answered c) Shockingly alluring, you are my new best friend (and also probably a little drunk)

So… there it is.  The Teen will be 17 in December.  The Baby , I guess will have to undergo a name change at some point?  The Toddler?  I suppose she could be The Baby because the new one is still The Embryo, soon to be The Fetus – which sounds like a place to buy bongs, hemp jewelry and rare Clash EPs..  Anyway, she will be 2 next month… and this one… this little cupcake…. is due the end of May.

We have no place to put this new baby.  I have a large shoebox from the boots I bought last winter and it’s looking promising.  We don’t have the $2000 a month it will cost us to have both the kids in the Montessori/Reggio school we love.  We don’t know how we will manage 2 little ones at once.

My OB revealed to us that the hernia (that wasn’t cancer balls) that I had surgically repaired  back in June with it’s own little soccer net has busted back out, thanks  to an expanding uterus.

It will need to be repaired again.

With a new soccer net.

She doesn’t know if I can go the whole pregnancy without it being repaired, so I get to see the surgeon again next Wednesday for a consult.

She said, “Boy, I’m surprised they did the repair surgery if you were going to have more kids!”

I said, “Well, we didn’t know we were going to have more kids.”

When I see the surgeon on Wednesday, he will probably say, “WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE GOING TO GET PREGNANT WITHIN 3 MONTHS OF HAVING THIS SURGERY??”

To which I will reply, “Well, my goal in life is to eventually look like Sally from Nightmare Before Christmas. Also, we didn’t know we were going to have more kids.”

The OB investigated the patchwork that is my abdomen.  She ran her fingers down each scar from each old incision. One.. two.. three… four… five… six…

She looked up at me.

I don’t….  I….  I’m just not…. “, she stammered.

Honestly, I don’t know where I can take this baby out.”  (I have had 2 prior c-sections, so I have no other option)

“Maybe HERE…”, she said drawing an invisible line with her hand across the middle of my stomach, horizontally, dissecting my belly button.

Oh, goody.

Her plan is that she’d like to deliver the baby and then step out of the OR and have the surgeon step in, take me deeper on my anesthesia and repair the hernia AGAIN, all at once.  Which to me sounds like a really complicated dance move.  Will there be a nurse by the OR door wearing a Spice Girls headset keeping the show going?

AAAND… 5..6..7…8…. Cue OB! GO! GO!  Let’s move it people.  Baby is out. Repeat baby is out. Cue surgeon! And ACTION!.Annnd.. tell me what you want, what you really, really want!

The OB, I like her.  She said, “This is it.  No more births, ok?” … and I’ll admit it…  I was scared.

Did we make a mistake?  Was this the wrong choice?

We struggled for months to make the decision, Kory especially so.  Weighing the good, the bad, the hard, the money, work, what’s best for the kids, what’s best for our family… and we decided, finally.

We decided we were done.  No more kids.

And then…. we mourned.

A family with 2 only children, essentially…

And then we waivered.

Ok, Universe, we aren’t going to get all fancy or anything.  We aren’t going to TRY, but we won’t PREVENT.  For 6 months, we’ll live in this effortless zone of possibility.  And you know, I’m overweight. I’m 37 years old.  I have chronic anemia.  It’s UNLIKELY to say the least, but we can live with it – because we’ll be able to tell The Baby that we tried.  We’ll be able to tell OURSELVES that we tried… and that’ll be enough.

And two weeks later, I was pregnant.

You hear that sound?

That’s the universe laughing.

And in the spring, when the leaves are fat and green and the nights are just starting to buzz  and smell like barbecue… when the kids are waiting for the last day of school until delicious summer break… when the lilacs start to bloom…

We will welcome our new love and we will marvel at how we could have ever imagined our lives without them.

We will kiss tiny feet, as they kick the air from their big DSW shoebox.

June 20, 2008

#18 of 30

Filed under: 30/100/30 — Tags: , , — denise @ 7:49 am

Home again, home again jiggity jig…

Feeling better today by about a mile.  Yesterday was not a good day and I was sick to my stomach and in pain and generally pissed off and upset the entire day.  I did little other than wake up, drink water/tea, take a pain pill and go back to sleep.  This morning I’ve been up and around and had some oatmeal and a little coffee and even changed The Baby out of her pjs and into her school clothes.  Feeling more normal today, for sure.

Goals for the day:  take shower, walk a little more, eat something something that isn’t mushy.

June 11, 2008

#12 of 30

Filed under: 30/100/30,Deranged Denise,Uncategorized — Tags: , , , , — denise @ 12:43 pm

Hey! Raise your hand if you are tired of hearing about the ailments of Denise!

I just wanted to clarify for everyone because I’ve gotten a number of emails asking if I’m ok and what horrible thing has befallen such a pleasant person such as myself…   *giggles*….  recent posts say things like “surgery” and “chemo” and if one didn’t know the whole story, one might think that I was potentially dying of Cancer Balls.  Luckily, it’s more likely a garden variety hernia that will hopefully be repairable via laparascopic fantasticalness.  Which will hopefully mean that there will only be a few small incisions and everything will be done with smoke and mirrors.

I found this picture to demonstrate:

So, it’s sort of like being attacked by 3 javelin spears at the same time.  That’s not unsettling AT ALL.

Also, it appears that I will be equipped with my own internal flash drives. Neat!

At the pre-op yesterday she said that it was definitely much bigger than it used to be (even though I have miraculously somehow lost 14 pounds in the last 3 weeks) and that it doesn’t really feel like a hernia anymore. It kind of feels like a mass, now.

So, they don’t know yet what will happen during my surgery on Monday.  The options are:

1. Hernia – SHOVE EVERYTHING BACK IN. Put up protective soccer net to hold it all in place. Install flash drives.

-OR-

2. Mass – TAKE EVERYTHING OUT.  Call Enquirer to pimp out my enormous tumor story.

Either way, it should be fun!

Still waiting for the labs to come back and hopefully all those iron infusions have been cooking along and making big happy puffy red blood cells.  So it’s not BAD-bad like chemo and surgery sounds.  It’s more like Medium Low Bad.  More of a simmer.

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