July 28, 2008

I’m splitsies on the Universe.

What’s your opinion on the Universe and “timing”?

I mean, has it been your experience that it’s all that good at the timing thing?

Giving people the right opportunities at the right time?

Making people meet one another at the right time?

Sending pain or passion or strength or weakness at just the right time? A time when there will be comfort and returned passion and humility and arms to hold you up?

I’m splitsies.

There are clear moments in my life when I feel like something with more collective wisdom than I has arranged the furniture of my life to force me to walk down a hallway instead of making toast in the kitchen, thereby changing my life, forever.   There are equally clear times in my life where I felt like a giant hammer looking for a nail in a sea of paperclips.  Times where the right people came into my life at the wrong time.  Times where the wrong opporunity happened at exactly the right time for me to make a change.  A time where a newly discovered skill or desire or skillful desire suddenly made itself apparent and JESUS CHRIST, NO, I am not talking about blow jobs. GOD!  What I mean is that a lot of times, what people desire… what they love to do… isn’t exactly what they are also good at.  (Case in point:  the 40 bajillion horrid tone-deaf sad-sacks that audition for American Idol every season…)

Conversely, there are the things we are inherently really good at, but sort of can’t stand.  For example, I am actually pretty good at reading people’s current mood/feelings.  I can spot someone who is feeling shitty, angry, low, pissy or ill about a mile away.  The problem is that rather than soothing those people and leaving them alone, I am somewhat prone to provoking them.  I can’t explain it… I never feel like I set out to do it, but I’m sort of a dick when I know what I know.   I will not be swayed when I’m sure I’m right. 

What a dick.

Me: Heeeeey… what’s up? Having a bad day?

Random person: No. I’m good!

Me: Hmm. Uh-huh.  Reeeeeeeally.

Random person: What?! No! I’m fine.

Me: Uh huh.  FINE. People who are fine do not describe themselves as “FINE”.

Random person: WHAT?  No, seriously.  I’m doing f…. great. I’m great.

Me: You know, you don’t have to lie to me.  I totally understand if you feel like hell.

Random person: But………. I don’t!

Me: You do.

Random person: But….  there is no way you could know that.

Me: It’s a gift.

Random person: I really was fine until I talked to you…

Me: Sorry. It’s a terrible gift that I have…

Random person: *hisses*

Me: It’s a great goddamed gift.

So, what I am saying is… what if the Universe can’t HEAR THE BEAT?

What if it give us all wonderful things… wonderful abilities… but has NO IDEA WHAT TIME THE PARTY STARTS?

What if it gives a woman living in Manhattan in 2005 the ability to churn butter and make pork cracklins’ like they’ve never been made before?

What if it gave a Neanderthal Man* the ability to read and write code faster than the faster software developer?

What if a man in the 1600’s was actually the most amazing cinematographer ever born on this earth?

What if a little girl in 2008 knew, instinctively, how to cure The Plague?

What if I somehow know amazing and life-changing shit if I’d just been born in another place and time?

What if the thing, THE GIFT, is something that I’ve never tried?

  • flying airplanes
  • porn (acting, directing and/or executive producing)
  • conquering of nations

Or things I super hate and therefore have tremendous aversion to?

  • golf pro
  • cult leader
  • professional egg-eater


Oh, fer christ’s sake… stop cringing.

I’m not sayin’……  I’m just sayin’.

*”Neanderthal Man” is pronounced NEE-ANDER-TALL MAN  not NEE-ANDER-THAL MAN. Per Alex Trebec, you do not pronounce the “th” sound rather, it’s a hard “T” sound.  Also per Trebec is the fact that “Barcelona” (Spain) is, in fact, pronounced BARTH-A-LOW-NUH…notBARSE-A-LOW-NUH.  Go ahead.  Freak out a little.  Trebec and I are not interested in your archaic hang-ups.  Get with the program. Or as we like to say in The Industry.. Doo doo doo doo… doo doo doo… doo doo…doo doo DOO! Dah doo doo doo doo….

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