October 22, 2008

Dropping the bomb.

Filed under: Family,Life,Love,pregnancy,Uncategorized — Tags: , , , — denise @ 5:52 pm

Many of you already know… in fact, I waited so long to post here about it because I absolutely did not want anyone I loved to read about it here – because while you may be imagining that I handle sneering comments like, “Gee, so glad I had to READ YOUR BLOG to find out“, with diplomacy and grace… I fear, I do not.

I would respond by either going, “Tough shit, jerkface.” or immediately bursting into tears.    Some people have fight or flight response, I have asshole or sobbing mess response.

That said, if I haven’t told you… please don’t think I don’t love you.  I just finally had to get it out. I couldn’t wait any longer.

Here is a clue:

Now, we’ll play multiple choice!

The woman pictured above is:

a) Wearing a really badly screenprinted shirt

b) Evidently unaware that she is being attached by a giant leech baby

c) Shockingly alluring

d) Pregnant

If you answered d) Pregnant, you are right!

If you answered c) Shockingly alluring, you are my new best friend (and also probably a little drunk)

So… there it is.  The Teen will be 17 in December.  The Baby , I guess will have to undergo a name change at some point?  The Toddler?  I suppose she could be The Baby because the new one is still The Embryo, soon to be The Fetus – which sounds like a place to buy bongs, hemp jewelry and rare Clash EPs..  Anyway, she will be 2 next month… and this one… this little cupcake…. is due the end of May.

We have no place to put this new baby.  I have a large shoebox from the boots I bought last winter and it’s looking promising.  We don’t have the $2000 a month it will cost us to have both the kids in the Montessori/Reggio school we love.  We don’t know how we will manage 2 little ones at once.

My OB revealed to us that the hernia (that wasn’t cancer balls) that I had surgically repaired  back in June with it’s own little soccer net has busted back out, thanks  to an expanding uterus.

It will need to be repaired again.

With a new soccer net.

She doesn’t know if I can go the whole pregnancy without it being repaired, so I get to see the surgeon again next Wednesday for a consult.

She said, “Boy, I’m surprised they did the repair surgery if you were going to have more kids!”

I said, “Well, we didn’t know we were going to have more kids.”

When I see the surgeon on Wednesday, he will probably say, “WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE GOING TO GET PREGNANT WITHIN 3 MONTHS OF HAVING THIS SURGERY??”

To which I will reply, “Well, my goal in life is to eventually look like Sally from Nightmare Before Christmas. Also, we didn’t know we were going to have more kids.”

The OB investigated the patchwork that is my abdomen.  She ran her fingers down each scar from each old incision. One.. two.. three… four… five… six…

She looked up at me.

I don’t….  I….  I’m just not…. “, she stammered.

Honestly, I don’t know where I can take this baby out.”  (I have had 2 prior c-sections, so I have no other option)

“Maybe HERE…”, she said drawing an invisible line with her hand across the middle of my stomach, horizontally, dissecting my belly button.

Oh, goody.

Her plan is that she’d like to deliver the baby and then step out of the OR and have the surgeon step in, take me deeper on my anesthesia and repair the hernia AGAIN, all at once.  Which to me sounds like a really complicated dance move.  Will there be a nurse by the OR door wearing a Spice Girls headset keeping the show going?

AAAND… 5..6..7…8…. Cue OB! GO! GO!  Let’s move it people.  Baby is out. Repeat baby is out. Cue surgeon! And ACTION!.Annnd.. tell me what you want, what you really, really want!

The OB, I like her.  She said, “This is it.  No more births, ok?” … and I’ll admit it…  I was scared.

Did we make a mistake?  Was this the wrong choice?

We struggled for months to make the decision, Kory especially so.  Weighing the good, the bad, the hard, the money, work, what’s best for the kids, what’s best for our family… and we decided, finally.

We decided we were done.  No more kids.

And then…. we mourned.

A family with 2 only children, essentially…

And then we waivered.

Ok, Universe, we aren’t going to get all fancy or anything.  We aren’t going to TRY, but we won’t PREVENT.  For 6 months, we’ll live in this effortless zone of possibility.  And you know, I’m overweight. I’m 37 years old.  I have chronic anemia.  It’s UNLIKELY to say the least, but we can live with it – because we’ll be able to tell The Baby that we tried.  We’ll be able to tell OURSELVES that we tried… and that’ll be enough.

And two weeks later, I was pregnant.

You hear that sound?

That’s the universe laughing.

And in the spring, when the leaves are fat and green and the nights are just starting to buzz  and smell like barbecue… when the kids are waiting for the last day of school until delicious summer break… when the lilacs start to bloom…

We will welcome our new love and we will marvel at how we could have ever imagined our lives without them.

We will kiss tiny feet, as they kick the air from their big DSW shoebox.

October 15, 2008

Walk through the neighborhood…

Filed under: Around Town — Tags: , , — denise @ 4:15 pm

Did you know that JC was running for office? Me either!  But I can’t wait for the debates!

Kissy Face.  This sometimes results in an actual kiss, and sometimes with a smear of mucus across your face.  You take your chances.

I’m pretty sure she won’t try to jam that up my nose.

Or Kory’s…

Kory didn’t tell me until afterward that he took this picture (which is a beautiful shot) because when I see a bee, I do this weird thing where I run around in circles yelling, “BEE! BEE! BEE! BEE!” with ever increasing volume until the bee leaves or I pass out, whichever happens first.  Since this bee is approximately the size of a mouse, I’m certain I would have entered a state of catatonic shock.

Isn’t this sweet?  If only, in my head, I wasn’t going, “WHY won’t she walk? Does she remember that she has legs? Will she still, at 15,  be putting her hands above her head going , “Uh UH UH UPPIE! UPPIE!”???  This is called a WALK, not a CARRY!”

Cookie, at Joe’s.  She got invited to an Obama Fundraising Kegger, too… but we were all, not until you clean the garage.  That settled that.

Then we found a secret playground…

And then she climbed this chainlink wall thing and I was like, “Did you teach her that?” and he was all, “No! You didn’t?” And then we thought about how if she can climb chain walls without our knowledge, maybe she can make us spaghetti, too?  And dinner plans were solidified.

We crossed the train tracks.

And then realized a train was coming and decided to wait for it.

Won’t The Baby think it’s amazing?  Doesn’t she LOVE trains and want to listen to her Choo Choo Soul CD every moment of every day*?

This is the train going by… veeeeeeery slowly….

This is The Baby just before she started yelling, “OH NO! OH NO! OH NO!” and clamping her little hands over her ears as if the sound of a train on it’s tracks were making her brain explode and her ears bleed.

This is the pacifier we jammed in her mouth to make her stop screaming.  Doesn’t she look pleased with the whole train experience?

October 14, 2008

The one where I tell off Robert Frost & Yoda for being all preachy.

Filed under: Life — Tags: , , , , , — denise @ 8:19 am

How can so many of us be “on the brink” at the same time?

Doesn’t it seem like that tiny, fragile place between what we resigned ourselves to being and what we actually could be is about to hit maximum capacity?

It’s like… I don’t even look people in the eye anymore, I look at that little shiny wisp of space above their heads where their possibility and promise lives…. because something is in the air, you dig?

I’ve lived for years in The Stable.  A mostly happy, reasonably calm, fairly dependable life … and now?


I honestly could not tell you what my life will be a year from now.  I know it won’t be what it is today.

I know that unequivocally…

…and I say it with shameless fear and a helpless smile that turns the corners of my lips, despite that fear.

So many friends and people dear to me, family, bloggers, people I love… all about to make massive changes in their lives.

Ready to leap, or fall.

About to give it all up or finally take it all. Or both.

Walking a teeny, grey line between deserved success or crushing failure…

Being the person they always said they wouldn’t be!  Being the person they should have been all along!

Or maybe even saying, “Fuck you, Yoda.  I’m going to TRY.”

Because trying is what I gots in my pocket right now…  or maybe…

It’s accepting.

Accepting that you are on your path… a good path… a smart path… and it doesn’t have to be the road less traveled. So, fuck you, too, Frost.  Maybe it just has to be the path that works for you and the people that you love in this world.

I’m on the brink.  You are on the brink.

We are the delicate pink in the sky just before the sun rises.

We are the rattle of the kettle just before the whistle blows.

We are the wet, electric smell in the air before even a single raindrop falls.

And me, I am going to jut out my chin and square my shoulders and crook my finger in a “come here” gesture and I will chant through my teeth, “Bring it. Bring it. Bring it.”

I might cry a little, too… but no one will notice, least of all me.

I’m too busy rising… and boiling… and showering the world.

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