Week before last: David “I only stripped for 3 years“ Hernandez goes out in a cloud of Drakar Noir, Dippity Doo and smarm. Probably someone, somewhere was sad.
Last week: Angela “Ballads don’t go over well at NASCAR events” Overmeyer goes home to the resounding, earth-shattering shock of few. The Fonz, maybe.
Last week, they decided to do “The Beatles”, which made everyone go, “Seriously? Again?”, to which American Idol replied, “Dude, last week it was just Lennon/McCartney and this week it’s The Beatles… HELLOOOOO..“, to which I say,
“Nice try, sucker.We all know it’s the same thing and everyone was pretty good the week before so you thought you’d capitalize on that along with the fact that since you just got the go-ahead to use these songs you are apparently dead-set upon OVER-USING them, in fact, I’m pretty sure we’ll see John Lennon singing along with someone bizarro… maybe Pink or Korn …at the American Idol Gives Back spectacular, ala Celine singing with Elvis last year…. where was I? Oh yeah, doing the Beatles again. I don’t know about you, NBC, but most of us knew that Beatles II was a bad idea. ”
Rumor has it that this week they will sing a song from the year they were born… So, I will offer my suggestions for that, because I know they all certainly read my blog. I’m kind of insufferable that way.
Ramiele Azriel Marmalade Mandalay Bay “I Should Have Known Better”
Yes. You should have.
Here’s what I think is the crux of the problem: She’s lost without Danny Noriega. They were BFF and now he’s gone and joining Rosie O’Donnell on Pride cruiseships and appearing on Ellen and he’s left his little pixie girl behind and she’s a little lost. Her voice sounded really shakey, as if she had stage-fright.
Is it just me, or does actually resemble manga more and more each week? It’s as if the whites in her eyes are disappearing and she’s on the brink of becoming an elf or a pixie. Wouldn’t it be awesome if she started to get pointy little ears and if little silvery, cherry-blossom-covered wings burst out of her back and she flew around the stage a little while she sang? Even I would pick up the phone for that!
Year born: 1988
I’d love to hear her sing: “Hazy Shade of Winter” ,The Bangles or “Piano In the Dark”, Brenda Russell
Chikezie – “I’ve Just Seen A Face”
I just listened to this recording again and it was FANTASTIC. The beginning was soulful and moving leading up to that great FAAALLLING… Yes, I am FAALLING part… and then the harmonica busted out and if I could have flung myself into a haypile while jigging and changing my name is Louetta, I woulda. THAT is what it’s all about for me. A sensical, physical, emotional reaction to music.
Year born: 1986
I’d love to hear him sing: “Stand By Me”, Ben E. King or “If You Leave”, O.M.D
Syesha – “Yesterday”
She isn’t my favorite. In fact, she’s in my bottom 4, at least… but I liked the change of hair and the feminine dress (read: Hello, boobies. Welcome to Idol.) I did not love the earrings, which seemed really at odds with the dress. Her make-up made her look sort of old instead of fresh and fun… that said… my favorite performance of the night.
I have rarely in my life seen a song performed with such pure intensity and emotion. It pulled me apart to just watch her sing this song, as if every line was another crease in a well-worn diary of regret and loss. When she sang of longing for yesterday, I did, too. I did. She took me there.
When she finally looked up, it was as if she even forgot where she was… and I, in my living room, could not stop clapping for her. Bravo, sweetie. Bravo!
Year born: 1987
I’d love to hear her sing: “I’m Looking For a New Love” – Jody Whatley or “Luka” Suzanne Vega
Jason Casto – “Michelle”
Judges? Scoring out of 10, please.
Song: 3
Too Tight Pants: 2
Delivery: 1
What the HELL HAPPENED? Who put him in those JEANS, for Christ’s sake?! And that horrible MEEEEE-shell skippity hoppity thing he was doing around the stage? I mean, why not just put on a pair of tights and sing “My Little Buttercup”? Because, that’s all the attention and thought you put into every aspect of this performance. Come on, MAN! I really like you! What are you doing?
My real concern is that “Who gives a F” glint in his eye. He seems like the sweetest kid, but he’s starting to get that smirky, half-smile that says I’m so over this and I can’t wait to back to coffee shops and college parties where I belong… don’t give up yet, Jas. TRY HARDER. WEAR JEANS THAT FIT. DO NOT PICK SONGS THAT HAVE THE NAME OF ONE OF THE MOST REVOLTING HUMAN BEINGS THAT I HAVE EVER MET AS THEIR TITLE, not that it was a contributing factor for the *ahem* judges, of course.
Year born: 1988
I’d love to hear him sing: “Never Tear Us Apart”, INXS or “One More Try”, George Michael (ooh, both of those would be ironic just-got-kicked-off songs)
Carly Smithson”Blackbird”
I suppose that Simon would call it, “indulgent”. I call it, “I am the shit and can sing whatever I damn well please”. Except, not so much. While this song has a certain mesmerizing emotive subtlety when sung by a male tenor… when powered through by a female it sounds like a lunchlady yelling that she needs another tray of sloppy joes. The home-grown, every girl taking her whiskey neat and writing in the corner of a smokey coffee shop way of her has been glamo-plasticized into a renegade Betty Boop with a publicist. Yeeps. Give me back the lanky hair. Give me back the ability to look at her and NOT think “Maybe it’s Maybelline”. Give me back the time when she didn’t need to give lame excuses about her lame song choices. I love your voice. Come back, Carly. Come back…
Year born: 1984
I’d love to hear her sing: “On The Darkside” , John Cafferty & The Beaver Brown Band or “Time After Time”, Cyndi Lauper
David Cook “Daytripper”
Daaaaaaaaaaytripper! WAH WAH WAH WAH WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.
Okay, the voicebox was… lerm.
Babe, no need for gimmicks. You are lovely. Do your thing and stop trying to be the 10 personas that you are trying to blend into one dude. Put on some jeans and a Che Guevara t shirt. Put on a baseball cap (I’m thinking Pitts Pirates, I don’t know why..) or a knit cap with a bill on it, like my friend Chris wears. Plop that guitar on your knee and just sing. Enough with the stupid emo hair and the stupid wrist cuffs and bandannas. Strip it down. Be vulnerable. Dare to be nothing but music.
Year born: 1983
I’d love to hear him sing: “Every Breath You Take”, The Police or “Allentown”, Billy Joel
Brooke White “Here Comes The Sun”
Well, shit, Brooke… what was that?
The dress was horrible. You looked like you’d just rolled in some old crepe paper. The song choice was corny. The delivery belonged on Electric Company. I was half-expecting you to teach me some adverbs, too.
Horriby…………….. horribly……………… horrib……… L… Y!
I found your speech to the judges about how lame you are the opposite of the obvious attempt to be charming. I just wanted you to stop. The incessant, “It’s ok! It’s ok!” to the audience was more smug than endearing… you just seemed wholly unprepared and falsely inpregnable. Your voice is soothing and interesting enough that I’m mostly able to block out what you say when you talk. Be yourself. Now, dammit!
Year born: 1984
I’d love to hear her sing: “The Warrior”, Scandal or “What’s Love Got To Do With It”, Tina Turner
Michael Johns “A Day In The Life”
I’m always like, what the hell is that song when I hear the titles?! Then, they sing the first line…
I heard the news today, oh boy….
And you are instantly going OH OH OH OH YEAH! OK. OK. YEAH!
I love Michael Johns. I don’t know what else to say. He’s Heath Ledger and Jim Morrison and Ian Michael Black all rolled into one sexy, mysterious, funny, smart, unusual, talented, directionless mess. Keep on keeping on, babe.
Year born: 1979
I’d love to hear him sing: “Devil Went Down To Georgia”, Charlie Daniels Band or “Lady” , Little Rivers Band (Seriously, if you want me to die a thousand deaths, sing this… because I nearly go batshit every time I hear it on the radio. Probably, I’ll set something on fire and throw my ample bra at the TV in a frenzy of helpless fandom. Hopefully, the kids will already be in bed and my husband will be transfixed by a Woot!-off…. hopefully….)
David Archuleta “Long And Winding Road”
So… better. He remembered the words and all… and certainly, I don’t have the same murder-death-kill reaction that I used to have at the mere mention of his name… and yet, something is just still not right about this kid. He has a manic veneer of a smile, perfectly practiced facade of someone on the brink, you know. Like… like… Marilyn… you know? He has an almost manic stage presence about him that makes you wonder if someone in the band came in a note too soon he would just CRACK in that moment and whip out a flame-thrower and scorch them into ashes while mumbling under his breath, “Must be perfect… must… be…… perfect”
Can we just let this kid off this grown-up ride? Just, you know, let him join the cast of the new “90210”. Give him his own show on Disney. Rename him Zack! Do something! He needs wholesomeness and repetition in his life!!! The tweens love him, desperately.. so, lets just make him an honorary Jonas Brother and be done with it! Give him fame and followers and release him from the grind and brain-destabilizing mechanism that is Idol. Please, little tweens? Let him go. He’ll be in a better place.
Year born: 1990
I’d love to hear him sing: “I Remember You”, Skid Row or “Free Fallin”, Tom Petty
Kristy Lee Cook “You’ve Got To Hide Your Love Away”
Well, I just…….
Pphhhbt!
It was so….
Nggghg.
Those boots… and the silvery eyeshadow… and the not good song… I thought it was your swan song, darlin’… I really did. Obviously, some folks out there have more dialin’ fingers than the NASCAR lovers of Amanda… that’s about all I can say. The “country” bit has run it’s course, don’t you think? Carrie Underwood, you are not. It’s not working. Time to switch gears. Time to go back to the wild curly-haired girl we loved. I’ve heard it mentioned that you resemble a certain bird-loving, long, thin beauty we all know… and while I can see the resemblance, our Laurena would never, EVER, wear that eyeshadow, sister. NEVER. Also, she has fabulous shoes and you do not, Kristy Lee. You. Do. Not!
Year born: 1984
I’d love to hear her sing: “Love Is A Battlefield”, Pat Benetar or “Missing You”, John Waite
What I’d really love to see and hear tomorrow night would be someone… anyone… singing acapella for all or part of their song like Bo did a few seasons ago. Wouldn’t that just blow your mind?
Go, Top 10…
Go forth and be awesome.