I want the truth, the person asking says, but if you tell me the truth, I will shame or judge or abandon you. Does your home feel like a Dharamsala where relatives walk in without even calling and expect you to leave everything and make tea and snacks for them the moment they show their face? And its the actual problem that needs addressing. Well, I'm glad that you two have found the same page to be on. So I think you should let your husband fully experience hisalone. So I think you should tell him to move out while you each figure out what you want out of your marriage and life. You dont trust your husbandand for good reasonbut he may not trust you either, in the sense that he may not trust your capacity to acknowledge his truth were he to share it openly with you. Both my husband and I have agreed that if we dont have another child in the next two years or so, were probably not going to try for one after that point. He is naturally protective My husband never stands up for me. Many men Photo illustration by Slate. While theres nothing sexual in their messages, and he assures me they are only friends, I have repeatedly expressed my displeasure and discomfort about the situation. Let me say upfront that what Im about to suggest in no way condones your husbands dishonesty; lies chip away at trust, eventually eroding it altogether. Never disrespect your wife by talking negatively about her to another woman. Oh, and one more question, why does he say he treats your family a bit cold and keeps them at arms length? Have you ever asked in a way that is 'ju (Sign up here to get Dear Prudence delivered to your inbox each week. He was raised by nice parents, enjoys good physical health, has a job he likes, we have a happy marriage, he has friends and, as far as I know, has never been the victim of any kind of serious crime or trauma. Maybe the ex is intimidating (always a leader that meets their match). Babies and in-Laws: Due to the economy and the price of real estate in our area, my husband, myself and our almost 4-year-old child are currently living with my parents, renting their basement while we save up for a down payment for a place of our own. My boyfriend invited his ex-wife over for dinner. Rajesh is a protective and caring son, and Meenu treats that affection as an affront to her place in her life. You know best. Q. all about love and couple relationships in their varied forms. Related Reading: How Destructive Are Indian In-Laws? She is over a decade older than me and lives, with her husband, 200 miles away. Re: to Mean Girls: I was raised in a household like this, and sadly, this is the norm for these girls. Im worried about him, although during the day hes one of the happiest people Ive ever met. i agr.ee with ( specialmom ) just focus on him .Forget the rest Her husband is part (or the cause) of the problem. A: Oh, goodness, this is way too close to the baby-making party! The Content on this Site is presented in a summary fashion, and is intended to be used for educational and entertainment purposes only. Anything else is just tolerating (and therefore enabling) his racism. Anyway, a few minutes later he came into our room and I just said here look and handed him my computer. My boyfriend (21M) and I (20F) have been together for five years. Q. Because they are new to the household, women rely on their husband for protection. Right now were debating having another child. One simple piece of advice that can go a long way in resolving the deadlock is to become a part of his family, in true earnest. You just graciously celebrate while inwardly cringing. Instead, consider it a way of filling up the time when your husband is unavailable to you by surrounding yourself with people you love. They've been married for 4 1/2 years, however, her husband and his sister are obsessed with each other. I hope it continues to go well. Herpes sores blister, then burst, scab and heal. WebNo matter how much I expressed to him how uncomfortable I was with their friendship, he always defended her feelings over mine. I can't say anything or else he gets defensive. My sister has been married to her emotionally and verbally abusive husband for 35 years. Sometimes the decision such as which college your son should study in or when your daughter should come back home become topics of family round table conferences. Thanks for your feedback. So he listen to his mom. We live a good distance away, but every few months, my work takes me near her house and Ill visit and stay overnight. His mother went overboard with affection to the person she claims to hate. So most often what happens is the husband keeps fulfilling the financial and psychological needs of his family and the wife and his own children are often asked to compromise. There is NO malice intended. ); why he feels he has to hide it from you; and how your requests that he end it affect his feelings toward you? Could he be jealous at the nice way your family interacts when his doesn't as much?? These are: 1. Accept your husbands strong relationship with his mom, 9. "Being unwilling to defend a significant other doesn't necessarily mean someone is being By using this Site you agree to the following, By using this Site you agree to the following. This is even more important as including him would likely be directly harming your own relatives. Do I need to give him time to mourn the loss of his mistress? I completely understand preserving relationships for the sake of children. What do you suggest? Please dont do it again.. But thats a simplistic reaction to an issue Im sure is multi-layered. Again, one would need to know history and dynamics. You should begin, by understanding that this is NOT about the sisters of your husband. It's supposed to say "Despite it does bother me how my MIL has been acting with my husband ex after what she is done, I'm mad about how my husband react when I say anything even if it's when I'm siding with hi. Can HIV be transmitted through this sexual activity? Either way, you wont be able to have a conversation about his texting that will be helpful to you individually or as a couple until a deeper understanding is reached. A: Thank you for simply revealing your pregnancy and not having a gender reveal party. But, is it my place (as a family member) and what would I say if I did take them aside? You'll be happier seperating yourself from anger surrounding his family. Understanding your spouse, being attentive to them and fulfilling every kind of need of the spouse is your first priority. During this same time period, he used to stop by my place of work to complain about my sisters lack of interest in sex and describe in detail her disinterest. And dont let another woman dishonor her husband by complaining to you. If you know this occurs.simply say nothing. No worries about the "slamming" comment/joke etc. Similarly, theyre so wrapped up in anger and self-righteousness that they lack curiosity about themselves. And youve left us all wondering: Does the grieving widower have any idea what his wife was up to? Q. Unlike when in the UK or US where mothers often stop to have a drink after work before heading home, you would always see an Indian mom rushing home from work to help her child with homework or toss up delicacies for them. We explore your options. Q. I came to an even playing ground. I'm glad to hear that he "fessed up" to the things he was doing. I made my family (me, husband and kids) the way we wanted to be. . Do not build resentment over this. Jene Desmond-Harris is online weekly to chat live with readers. Besides having a family holiday does not mean having the elderly with you all the time. Likewise, you can come to an agreement about what would be an acceptable frequency for his guys night outs. In that case, you will have to support him to stand by his family. 3 He's Making You Jealous. My husband keeps letting his sister bully me: Ask Ellie He believes you must handle this on your own, but that's cowardice on his part and/or he fears his sister But ultimately, the decision is yours and anyone who needs a complete explanation to respect your wishes is not a good friend. My exact response was, Dont I have the right to choose when to announce my pregnancy? This is the second letter Ive gotten about the amazing development of the awful gender-reveal party. And when I am ready, how do I tell my co-workers and clients? What to do when your husband is too attached to his family and considers it his responsibility to fulfill their needs and desires? She is a 20 year old college girl and my husband is 28. If you want to create not just trust but closeness in your marriage, youll need to allow room for the truth by inviting it in. I know my friend is still grieving and just wants to help her dad, so how can I gently explain to her and her sister that dogs arent good gifts and this is a terrible idea? Hi there, I have a foggy brain and will read everyone's posts carefully and forgive me if this has been said. I wonder if one reason that your MIL I posted my comment because my husband gets over anything that is said about his family. How do you keep things safer between the sheets? It set him into defensive mode every time. He acts like they are his number one priority. Even when she has said things that could be considered rude, I have just held my tongue. A: I doubt he needs a therapist, but he certainly needs an M.D. I'm not mad at my MIL for being nice to my husband's ex. If this is my reaction, should I break up with him or try to work on it? Constructive criticism. that is what Londres's post is and I think she may have hit it right on the head. Realize he is their child first and he lived with them much longer than he lived with you. If you dont like it, why you try cooking next time? but thats it. In that case, you have to understand his true feelings or maybe encourage him to break the patriarchal norms of the family. All contents 2023 The Slate Group LLC. Dr. Jose Gonzalez-Garcia answers this commonly-asked question. Perhaps, whatever free time he does get between work and other responsibilities, he spends it hanging out with his friends. He can comment all he wants about his family and deal with them BUT the same goes for me. WebOriginally Answered: My husband listens to his sisters alot and what they say goes for me and our marriage. You should tell herbut once hes out of the hospital and his health is stable. Mean Girls: My cousin and I are both in our 40s and grew up together. A list of national and international resources and hotlines to help connect you to needed health and medical services. I have kept this secret for more than 20 years. He's definitely doing that on purpose. Since it has been quite some time since I went through these rituals, I expected them to change. Is this just the trend of celebrations now and I should go along with it? Make him sit down and explain to him that while its wonderful that he feels that his cousin needs him in the hospital and he visits her every day or that hes there for his sister but he could also feel for his son and help him out with Maths. Your husband could be a mamas boy or he could be having a strong bond with his mother but that does not mean you will resent it and keep on cribbing that your husband chooses his family over you. She says nothing to defend herself; occasionally she might protest with a thats not nice but its very mild. This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. The inevitable distance between two people in love, the restless neediness of love. The above was just an example. How do I graciously be a part of their lives while inwardly cringing at another over-the-top celebration? In Indian families, the son is expected to prioritize his parents and siblings even after he is married and has his own family. Tell him to have the weekends for such visits. Your partner should communicate these boundaries to their family members, and you can both enforce them as needed. Her two children, who are their early teens, are horrible to her. I hope you and your husband can start standing up for yourselves now, before you come to the conclusion that raising your children is really about what the grandparents want. You say that youre in marriage counseling for other issues, so I wonder about your husbands relationship with his colleague not so much in terms of betrayalas you dobut in terms of what it reveals about the dynamics in your marriage. So it could be an alternative day arrangement. I imagine they are encouraged to speak to their mother harshly, and sadly, it becomes a bonding point with their father. 5 ways in which marriage turned out the opposite of what I imagined, 7 Tips For Men Who Are Stuck Between Wife And Mother In A Joint Family, 12 Ways to Deal With a Jealous Mother-In-Law. She tells him mom is 1st then your wife. They didn't care that he didn't have any of his things with him, they just locked him out one night. I agree with you, Mom, that a return to contained and modest celebrations is to be much hoped for. Thank you! We enjoyed ourselves the first few years. You have to accept that the days of the DIY wedding are gone. Help! What he is doing comes naturally to him. So, on top of everything, hes also grieving for a baby which may or may not have been his. Dear Therapist is for informational purposes only, does not constitute medical advice, and is not a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. I announced my pregnancy to both families at 20 weeks. Q. Husbands Night Terrors: My husband has a pretty good life. Knowing this was the cause of our argument yesterday (just prior to my typing my initial email). If he cant see your point of view, a few sessions with a therapist to help you two hash out these in-law issues would be a good investment. You Husband Is Having An Affair With Her. I can still remember standing up to my father in my 20s when he tried to get me to join in in ridiculing my mother. Include your own parents in your family holidays and when he is buying sarees for his mom, buy the same ones for your mom too. This brings us to the perennial dilemma of what to do when your husband is too attached to his family. Kind of a shoot the messanger thing. Over the years we are able to talk more openly about each others family because we are solid and we even laugh a little too! Emily Yoffe: Thanks, everyone. Jene Desmond-Harris: Thats all for today. The question is: How can you give her this information without making her feel attacked, when shes clearly feeling desperate to do something to make her father feel better? Who knows. But definitely, it is also a given that you would support each other in looking after your respective families. As a wife, you have to realize when your husband chooses his family he is actually making a tightrope walk and succumbing to a lot of pressure. Hes lying about it, too. And you are struggling with your childrens studies and could do with some help from him in Maths. He says nothing when they make their comments and occasionally will joke along the same lines. Submit your questions and comments here before or during the discussion. Frankly, I think this is celebration overload and, in its own way, detracts from the seriousness of these events. Thanks, everyone! Tell him while you will ensure that you are not overshooting the budget, he has to ensure his parents are doing the same. One day he visits the hospital, the other day Maths with a son. But Im tired of being grilled about all of our life choices and the timing of revealing them. First of all I don't speak ill of my MIL and never have. Harry Potter star Evanna Lynch says J.K. Rowling deserves more grace amid claims that the author is transphobic. I am all for maintaining family harmony (and hanging in there to support my sister), which is why I have kept silent, but Im at the point where I want to give her all this information and let the chips fall where they may. How do I deal with this? Im mentally ill and Im going to therapy and am on medication, but nothing helps me with my bipolar disorder. But instead of festering and fighting with him, you could think of taking some steps so that he could balance his own family and your aspirations as well. Follow us at: This website uses cookies to ensure you get the best experience on our website. It might make sense to talk to at least a few other people who are recovering alcoholics to hear about how they handle these situations, and learn about whether and why they see value in being open about their reasons.
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