So, remember me? I feel off the planet in November and December.  Not in a my-crazy-neighbor-Roger-who-lives-off-the-grid sort of way. I mean, I still have electricity and I pee indoors and all.. but I did take a break from the blogosphere of life. I didn’t plan to.  I still thought each day that I would write an entry…and each day… I just didn’t.  Then, I stopped even reading other people’s blogs.  And then, goddamn it, I got sucked back into Facebook and there went the 47 seconds of free time I have every day… I don’t know what it was about my 3rd and 4th months of pregnancy, but I just began to feel very private.  Very insular.  Very contained. Not only was I completely disinterested in sharing my own life, I wasn’t particularly interested in anyone else’s life either.  (Ok, I still needed to know what was happening with Britney - but GOD, don’t we all need to know how Britney is doing?) So, I guess you say in the immortal words of Ross,  “We were on a break.” So…. I was kind of thinking that maybe we could start hanging out again? I mean, American Idol is about to start… and The Teen is back living with us… and The Toddler is talking now…  I’m pregnant and pissed off and we’re planning a trip to see my mom and grandma in Tucson — I mean, we are talking SERIOUS BLOG FODDER here, people. You don’t want to miss it. I swear I’m not smirking. Ok.. maybe a little.   Alive and smirking… It’s the best I can do.

I talked to my mom last night during the usual Thanksgiving Phonecall and amongst the discussion of parsnips and turkey, we had the following conversation:

Me: So, Kory said he “chatted” with you on IM yesterday.
Mom: Yes! That was a lot of fun!
Me: I think maybe you guys had some communication issues, though, because he’s a little confused about something you said…. *laughing*…. he thought you were leaving Grandma to go work somewhere over Christmas! *laughing more*
….. long pause…….
Mom: Well, I’m considering it.
Me: What is it? Where is it? Kory thought you said cleaning houses?
Mom: It’s HOUSEKEEPING.
Me: Keeping WHOSE house, Mom? Where?!
Mom: In the Grand Canyon.
Me: The Grand Canyon. You are going to be a janitor in the Grand Canyon?
Mom: (sighing) It’s just something I’m THINKING about. I can always change my mind.
Me: Ok, explain it again slowly. I feel like I’m missing something. You are going for over a month…
Mom: No! No! It’s like maybe 2 and half weeks!
Me: Ok, you are going for 2 weeks OVER CHRISTMAS to the Grand Canyon to clean people’s houses…… for what……….purpose?
Mom: Well, to bring in some money for one thing. (Says my Master’s Degree educated mother.)
But also, you know, to do something interesting. Also, it’s not people’s homes. It’s a hotel.
Me: Okaaaay…
Me: Okay. It’s cleaning hotel rooms…. I’m just going to stand here and not judge you, ok?
Mom: *laughs* Look- I said I’m just thinking about it.
Me: But, what about Grandma? (Mom my lives with my 85 year old grandmother) You’re just going to leave her alone at Christmas?!
Mom: She said she’d be fine!
Me: But…Mom……. does she have somewhere to go?
Mom: She can… go to dinner with people… and have company… and she said…….she didn’t mind…
Me: And……ok.……. sorry, still trying to wrap my head around this one. You are going with someone?
Mom: Yes! My friend Adele!
Me: The ex-nun?
Mom: Yes. She…… well, she needs to work a certain amount to keep her unemployment.

………long pause……….

Mom: Also, it’s for a hotel. It’s doing housekeeping for a hotel.

……. long pause………..

Me: Mom, you know what people do in hotel rooms, right?
Mom: Yes DEAR… I think I can imagine what might happen in hotel rooms.
Me: Then… just… ICK… I mean really? You’d want to clean up hotel rooms?
Mom: I SAID I WAS STILL JUST CONSIDERING IT.
Me: Okay……so.

So, what you are telling me is that you want to leave Grandma alone at Christmas and go with your friend, the ex-nun, to the Grand Canyon to work as a housekeeping maid for a hotel so that your friend, the ex-nun, will not lose her unemployment.

Do I have this right?

Mom: *laughs* That about sums it up.

Me: Well… um…. I applaud your sense of adventure.
Mom: It IS an adventure!!
Me: I know. That’s what I’m saying. It’s……… adventurous. That’s the nicest thing I can say about it and still stand here not judging you.
Mom: I’m just THINKING about it.
Me: Okaaay. Well, let me know what you decide…
Mom: Probably, I need to just reconsider this.
Me: Well, I’m not trying to stop you…. I mean, you know you are PRACTICALLY WRITING MY BLOG for me, right?
Mom: *sighs* Yes, honey, I know.

Scene: Walking out to the car after seeing Twilight, last night,  with my almost 17 year old son.

Act I

The Teen: Oh my god, that movie was sooo good.
Me: I know! I would totally make out with Edward Cullen.
The Teen: (clamps hands over ears) MOM! He’s 17!
Me: No, he’s 107. I’m totally YOUNG for him.
The Teen: I guess. I guess you would be young to a vampire.
Me: TO A VAMPIRE?!!!! RUDE!!!!
The Teen: I meant, you know, ANY vampire.
Me: This is not helping.

Act II - in the car, driving home.

The Teen: Who’s better: vampires or werewolves?
Me: Vampires.
The Teen: WEREWOLVES!!
Me: No way! Vampires get to be strong and fast and deadly but also HOT. *grinning*
The Teen: Werewolves are WAY scarier. They are big and faster than vampires - they could rip a vampire TO SHREDS.
Me: Untrue. Also, they have to get all wolfie so they rip up their clothes and they always end up naked somewhere when they change back. It’s totally inconvenient and clearly makes them weaker.
The Teen: So what? They are more ferocious and they don’t care if they are naked. (makes werewolf face at me) RAWR!!!!!
Me: When they wolf out, they don’t have fingers anymore! What if they needed to make a phone call? Or, or… what if they suddenly came to a door that had a passcode and they had to try to put the passcode in their their big slimy noses?
The Teen: MOM - why would a werewolf change BEFORE they went through a door with a passcode? When would a werewolf have to make a phone call? That doesn’t even make sense!
Me: No, I mean… they were already changed and chasing something or maybe a werewolf slayer was chasing THEM. And they need to call a friend for a ride or get through a passcode door? THEY ARE TOTALLY SCREWED.
The Teen: That would never happen.
Me: WHATEVER! It totally could. And they could never play hopscotch. Being all giant and wolfy with legs and tails everywhere.
The Teen: (exasperated) Werewolves do NOT play hopscotch.
Me: You mean, they CAN’T. Vampires can. In fact, they are probably the best at it.
The Teen: Mom…….
Me: Also, what if they suddenly ran into a giant body of water and there was a speedboat there and they could escape but now they can’t because they are a wolf and they can’t turn a key or use a steering wheel! It’s totally impractical!
The Teen: Mom, I just… this is not a logical argument. A werewolf would SWIM across the water, not jump in a boat.
Me: They don’t like to swim.
The Teen: Yes, they do.
Me: No, they aren’t good swimmers. They have too much hair, it gets all water-logged and makes them sink. Or else they are paddling like a Collie on the top and the werewolf slayer just shoots them in the head! A vampire would just hop in the speedboat and escape, easy-peasy.
The Teen: A vampire doesn’t even need to breathe, Mom, he wouldn’t get in the speedboat.
Me: THANK YOU - you just made my point! A SUPERIOR vampire would just sink and walk across the bottom of the river/ocean at his or her leisure… I’m glad you are here to help my argument.
The Teen: *stares at me*
Me: So, in conclusion, vampires are far superior to werewolves because along with their many other talents they can dial phones, enter passcodes, play hopscotch and drive speedboats. UNLIKE werewolves.
The Teen: *puts head in hands*

Act III - still in car, almost home

The Teen: I forgot to make the point about how they communicate TELEPATHICALLY with one another. THAT makes them superior to vampires.
Me: What if they need to talk to a human?
The Teen: What?
Me: A HUMAN. What if they need to talk to a human? Like Jacob needing to talk to Bella, in the book. He CAN’T. He just has to make meaningful dog-eyes at her. It’s lame.
The Teen: *sighs*
………long pause…………
Me: You know, if he had a Scrabble game, he could push the tiles around with his nose to form words if he had something REALLY important to say.
The Teen: Mom…
Me: Of course a vampire could just say it. Or type it. Or email it. Or text message it. Or draw it. Or do an interpretive dance about it. Or sing about it.
The Teen: *sighs again*

The End.

It’s not writer’s block.

Because then, I’d stare at the screen and wrack my very soul for something to write…

No… I have TONS to write about.  VOLUMES.  ROOMS OF VOLUMES.

NEIGHBORHOODS, FULL OF HOUSES, FULL OF ROOMS OF VOLUMES…  but, honestly, I don’t feel like it right now. I can’t explain it.  I’m too……….tired… to write.

We’ve been invaded by mice - clearly, the Nihm variety, that seek only to outsmart the traps Kory patiently lays for them.

Chad, the squirrel, came back …. the nostalgia of Thanksgiving bringing him to our door once more (or mayhap the heady perfume of banana/peanut butter milkshake, but whatevs) and hilarity and squirrel growling ensued.

The Teen is back.  Mostly.  I mean, he’s visiting at the moment (wherein visiting= hiding in basement and eating an entire box of chocolate donuts in one night)… but there’s news on his front.

The Baby will be 2 ENTIRE years old on Thanksgiving and I owe that kid a blog in a major way….

I’ve had forty-billion “AGED MATERNAL SENIOR CITIZEN GOD YOU ARE TOO OLD TO HAVE A BABY TESTS” that mostly consist of me sobbing at my desk and then… everything turning out to be probably ok.  There is also a lot of this:

Them: Oh! You’re 37!

Me: Yep.

Them: You don’t LOOK 37.  (squinty eyes)

Me: Well, thanks.  The chub helps.  Makes one look younger.

Them: Hm. Well.  Now that we know you are 37, please sit down so we can discuss at length the hundreds…no, THOUSANDS of ways everything can go horribly wrong with your unborn child, the birth, and you… all the many ways that you and your stupid ADVANCED MATERNAL AGE are going to screw everything up for anyone.

Me: Wow.  I’ve never felt so old in my life.

Them: We haven’t even GOTTEN to your weight yet, sucker.

I’m losing weight, as I always do my first trimester… but otherwise, doing quite well despite my obvious need for a walker and an assisted living plan.

The holidays have snuck back up on me.  I’m kind of looking forward to them this year.  I’m hoping that I can avoid any horrible family fights and dramatic sudden escapes in tears this year… and have a Zen couple of days.  I’m too tired to be outraged and too over it to stir up another pot, as I did last year.

I admit it, the holidays don’t always bring out the best in me.  I get over-stimulated (oh, stop it) and cranky and mostly just want to be at home… so all the NOT BEING AT HOME starts to wear on me and sometimes, as a result, I act a teensy bit badly.  AHEM. Several glasses of wine have been known to help this process along.

This year, I vow to NOT accuse my deeply religious father-in-law of having a Jesus Superiority Complex.  I vow to not tell him that his church is a sham.

I vow to not compare my best friend to the Virgin Mary forced to give birth in the barn, after a miscommunication about dinner plans.

I vow to not say the words, “You are all against me!” on Christmas Eve.

Oh yes, I did.

Life… is just tripping along and I’m hoping this little update will act like a metaphorical prune and gets things moving along again.

Sometimes, a little nudge is all you need.

Check out Ms. Picket’s post and video.

I played that video and then felt like I barfed my heart out onto my keyboard.

But in a really, really sweet way.

Enjoy.

I thought I was mostly over it, but my husband posted this link on his blog… and the pictures made me get all holy-shit-this-actually-happened all over again.

Check it here: Could be Considered Dangerous

Emergency Food Kit

275 Servings
Weather Proof Bucket

Basic preparation will impact the probability of your family’s survival in an emergency. Delicious and easy to prepare. Each bucket contains 275 servings of Pre-mixed and Pre-seasoned 100% vegetarian and vitamin fortified food. With a 20 year long shelf life, this kit is perfect for the preparation of natural disasters such as hurricanes, tornadoes, earthquakes or even for a camping or hunting trip.

• Easy to Prepare
• Must have water and a heat source
• 275 Servings
• All Meals 100% Vegetarian and Vitamin Fortified
• Sealed in convenient Weather-Proof bucket for easy transport
• 30 Servings - Potato Bakon
• 25 Servings - Corn Chowder
• 25 Servings - Ala King
• 25 Servings - Cacciatore
• 25 Servings - Western Stew
• 25 Servings - Country Noodle
• 25 Servings - Rice Lentil
• 45 Servings - Whey Milk
• 25 Servings - Blueberry Pancakes
• 25 Servings - Barley Vegetable
• Total Weight: 23 lbs.

For best taste and nutritional value, use product before:

20 years of manufacturing date when stored at 60° F (16.6° C)

10 years of manufacturing date when stored at 70° F (21.1° C)

Basic preparation will impact the probability of your family’s survival during an emergency. Especially developed for Costco members, this advanced survival kit was assembled with protection from a wide variety of emergency situations in mind. This complete kit contains items and tools that are recommended in the event of an Earthquake, Pandemic, Wildfire or Displacement Emergency. We hope it never happens, but it’s always best to be prepared.

We suggest adding Emergency Food Kit (Item# 104893) to help complete your disaster preparedness needs for your family or business.

Includes

• 6 Days Food (60 Servings) for 2 Adults
• Food is 100% Vegetarian with a 20 Year Shelf Life
• Fruit & Vegetable Dietary Supplements
• Water Filtration System (100 plus Gallon Capacity)
• Crank Flashlight/Radio/Cell Phone Charger
• Survival Multi-Tool
• Cooking Supplies/Stove/Fuel
• First Aid Supplies
• Sanitizer/Matches
• Emergency Blankets
• Compass/Whistle/Thermometer
• 2-N95 Safety Masks
• 4 Ready-to-Eat Meals (No cooking required)
• Duct Tape
• Plastic Sheeting (100 square feet; 3mm thick)
• 2 Nylon Ropes (20 feet each)
• Tube Tent
• Hygiene Kit
• 4 Hand Warmers
• 8 Water Pouches
• 2 pairs Leather Work Gloves
• Net Weight: 18 lbs.

For best taste and nutritional value, use product before:

20 years of manufacturing date when stored at 60° F (16.6° C)

10 years of manufacturing date when stored at 70° F (21.1° C)

So, for about $200 I could stash this crap in my basement along with the directions to my best friend’s family’s cabin and feel like if nuclear holocaust/alien invasion/world-wide foliage poison attack/ tidal waves caused by global warming/asteroid colliding with earth happened, I’d be at least partially prepared to deal with the situation.

In the past, my loose plan was to race to the grocery store and buy all the cans of canned bread I could find.

The prospect of trying to figure out how to make bread and like, hull wheat and grow yeast and shit was far more daunting than how to locate, trap, kill, and sizzle up a wild pig or somesuch.

I mean, how does one GROW YEAST?  And I don’t want to use the whole “starter dough” situation because many theorists now believe that the Salem Witch Hunts were due in part to women of that day leaving their starter dough on the counter and it growing a form of LSD - which caused hallucinations “witch-ish” behavior and I think we’ll have enough on our hands to deal with, without adding rainbows and melting ceilings to the situation.

I also had a semi-plan to break into the nearest Walgreens and take as many antibiotics/pain killers/anticeptics, etc, as possible because it seems like in every book or movie about such disasters, someone ends up dying from something like pneumonia just because they didn’t have any amoxicillin…. and you know, who wouldn’t feel better in an alien attack with a few Percocets laying around?

I suppose, even with the emergency food packs and crap, I’d probably still want to keep my plans to buy all the canned bread and break into pharmacies.  I could, I suppose, just buy a case of yeast and actually learn how to bake bread - but what if the nuclear winter makes the plants stop growing and all the flour is gone in a few month?  WHAT GOOD WILL THE YEAST BE THEN, I ask you?!

Also, as much Crystal Light as possible.  And batteries.  I feel like batteries are probably a good idea.  Like, tons of those….  and matches.

If it’s Zombies, The Teen has that one covered.  He is our resident zombie expert.  I bought his this book for Christmas:

He’ll be key if that happens, because I took THIS QUIZ and failed miserably.

I also don’t know how to make soap or preserve animal skins (mental note:  add all the Jane Auel “Clan of the Cave Bear books to the survival pile) or… God, what about TOILET PAPER?

[A quick Google check on post-apoclypic toilet paper needs states that leaves are generally a bad idea and that a soft cloth that is washed well and often is best.  Soooo... ew.]

A haiku:

The Christmas season

sneaks up on me yearly, and

Santa makes me cry.

____________________

Miles of paper wrap

that I can not live without

I hate by next year.

_____________

We’d need 4 trees to

actually use all these

fucking ornaments.

_____________

Shamefully, I have

to admit I secretly

love Hickory Farms.

Feel free to use them on your greeting cards this year!

(No charge.)

Dear Universe,

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

I’m not going to say you OWED me, but you know…  kinda. (Just kidding!) (Not really kidding.) (Ha ha!) (Not.)

McCain’s speech was gracious… Colorado turned blue…  what other wackiness do you have planned for tonight?

Will it rain donuts?  Will Santa land on my roof and hand me a million dollars?

Wait-  I’m not greedy.

This gift…  this was enough.

(But you kind of owed me.) JK!

Now, it’s just a matter of staying awake for Barack’s speech.  Such a short wait, you know, comparatively.

Love,

Denise

Ps.  Howza ’bout that supermajority in the Senate?  Anything you can do to make that happen?  I looked up filibuster and EVERYTHING!  Seriously, I’m not greedy.  I’m not sayin’.  I’m just sayin’.

“This election is closer than anyone thought it would be.” , says CNN.

“The states are following their historic red and blue lines.” . says MSNBC.

“This is looking more like the elections in ‘00 and ‘04 than anyone projected.”, says CNN

I’m sitting on the couch, trying to sip my tea… cursing myself for not thinking ahead when I thought that being pregnant during this election would be ok because I wouldn’t, for example, want to drink an entire pitcher of Long Island Iceteas and wobble around my living room hooting and flashing my boobs at Katie Couric…

No, instead I sit on the couch and I think perhaps I feel a panic attack coming on.  My chest feels tight and my breathing feels shallow.

But then… OHIO…..  OHIO goes BLUE?

I think I’m going to put on some Air Supply and go make out in the corner with Ohio.  Ohio is HOT.

“The cake is baked. McCain can’t win now.“, says CNN

“McCain had to take Ohio to have a chance. It’s all but over.“, says MSNBC.

I’m afraid to count my eggs or my chickens or my Obamas.

I’m just going to focus on breathing.