Emergency Food Kit

275 Servings
Weather Proof Bucket

Basic preparation will impact the probability of your family’s survival in an emergency. Delicious and easy to prepare. Each bucket contains 275 servings of Pre-mixed and Pre-seasoned 100% vegetarian and vitamin fortified food. With a 20 year long shelf life, this kit is perfect for the preparation of natural disasters such as hurricanes, tornadoes, earthquakes or even for a camping or hunting trip.

• Easy to Prepare
• Must have water and a heat source
• 275 Servings
• All Meals 100% Vegetarian and Vitamin Fortified
• Sealed in convenient Weather-Proof bucket for easy transport
• 30 Servings - Potato Bakon
• 25 Servings - Corn Chowder
• 25 Servings - Ala King
• 25 Servings - Cacciatore
• 25 Servings - Western Stew
• 25 Servings - Country Noodle
• 25 Servings - Rice Lentil
• 45 Servings - Whey Milk
• 25 Servings - Blueberry Pancakes
• 25 Servings - Barley Vegetable
• Total Weight: 23 lbs.

For best taste and nutritional value, use product before:

20 years of manufacturing date when stored at 60° F (16.6° C)

10 years of manufacturing date when stored at 70° F (21.1° C)

Basic preparation will impact the probability of your family’s survival during an emergency. Especially developed for Costco members, this advanced survival kit was assembled with protection from a wide variety of emergency situations in mind. This complete kit contains items and tools that are recommended in the event of an Earthquake, Pandemic, Wildfire or Displacement Emergency. We hope it never happens, but it’s always best to be prepared.

We suggest adding Emergency Food Kit (Item# 104893) to help complete your disaster preparedness needs for your family or business.

Includes

• 6 Days Food (60 Servings) for 2 Adults
• Food is 100% Vegetarian with a 20 Year Shelf Life
• Fruit & Vegetable Dietary Supplements
• Water Filtration System (100 plus Gallon Capacity)
• Crank Flashlight/Radio/Cell Phone Charger
• Survival Multi-Tool
• Cooking Supplies/Stove/Fuel
• First Aid Supplies
• Sanitizer/Matches
• Emergency Blankets
• Compass/Whistle/Thermometer
• 2-N95 Safety Masks
• 4 Ready-to-Eat Meals (No cooking required)
• Duct Tape
• Plastic Sheeting (100 square feet; 3mm thick)
• 2 Nylon Ropes (20 feet each)
• Tube Tent
• Hygiene Kit
• 4 Hand Warmers
• 8 Water Pouches
• 2 pairs Leather Work Gloves
• Net Weight: 18 lbs.

For best taste and nutritional value, use product before:

20 years of manufacturing date when stored at 60° F (16.6° C)

10 years of manufacturing date when stored at 70° F (21.1° C)

So, for about $200 I could stash this crap in my basement along with the directions to my best friend’s family’s cabin and feel like if nuclear holocaust/alien invasion/world-wide foliage poison attack/ tidal waves caused by global warming/asteroid colliding with earth happened, I’d be at least partially prepared to deal with the situation.

In the past, my loose plan was to race to the grocery store and buy all the cans of canned bread I could find.

The prospect of trying to figure out how to make bread and like, hull wheat and grow yeast and shit was far more daunting than how to locate, trap, kill, and sizzle up a wild pig or somesuch.

I mean, how does one GROW YEAST?  And I don’t want to use the whole “starter dough” situation because many theorists now believe that the Salem Witch Hunts were due in part to women of that day leaving their starter dough on the counter and it growing a form of LSD - which caused hallucinations “witch-ish” behavior and I think we’ll have enough on our hands to deal with, without adding rainbows and melting ceilings to the situation.

I also had a semi-plan to break into the nearest Walgreens and take as many antibiotics/pain killers/anticeptics, etc, as possible because it seems like in every book or movie about such disasters, someone ends up dying from something like pneumonia just because they didn’t have any amoxicillin…. and you know, who wouldn’t feel better in an alien attack with a few Percocets laying around?

I suppose, even with the emergency food packs and crap, I’d probably still want to keep my plans to buy all the canned bread and break into pharmacies.  I could, I suppose, just buy a case of yeast and actually learn how to bake bread - but what if the nuclear winter makes the plants stop growing and all the flour is gone in a few month?  WHAT GOOD WILL THE YEAST BE THEN, I ask you?!

Also, as much Crystal Light as possible.  And batteries.  I feel like batteries are probably a good idea.  Like, tons of those….  and matches.

If it’s Zombies, The Teen has that one covered.  He is our resident zombie expert.  I bought his this book for Christmas:

He’ll be key if that happens, because I took THIS QUIZ and failed miserably.

I also don’t know how to make soap or preserve animal skins (mental note:  add all the Jane Auel “Clan of the Cave Bear books to the survival pile) or… God, what about TOILET PAPER?

[A quick Google check on post-apoclypic toilet paper needs states that leaves are generally a bad idea and that a soft cloth that is washed well and often is best.  Soooo... ew.]

Ode To A Poo Nugget
Poor, forgotten poo nugget
floating in the handicap disabled really big stall
in the 3rd floor bathroom
why… why are you always left behind?
Why must I swing open the door
and see you floating and bouncing
in the white porcelain bowl?
Are you the guardian of the stall?
Refusing to go to your final resting place?
You guard it well from me, nugget.
For I tell you this:
You are not my poo nugget!
I will not risk sitting on that pot
lest you refuse to go down again
and I, horribly, mistakenly, humiliatingly
am thought to be the leaver of said floater!
Nay, poo nugget, nay!
I will go in stalls one or two instead.
I will giggle to myself when I hear someone else
some unsuspecting coworker
enter the stall.
Beware the poo nugget -
he is small, but mighty.

Thanks to Mocha Momma, I’ve been playing with this for like an HOUR.

1960 Denise was a Glee Club member as well as president of the local chapter of the Beatles fan club.  She had a steady named Stanley, whom she suspected was a little “funny”, which was fine with her because everyone knows that boys are dirty.

1964 Denise knows what she wants in life. Husband and 2 kids she can fix a nice roast for every Sunday. A perfect lawn.  Church on Sunday. She may dabble in some part-time Avon sales, but she’ll be at the door at 5pm every day to serve dinner for her family. And if her kids learn early on how to “make Mommy a martini” - so be it.  Her tomato aspic is out of this world and the lawn is impeccable.

1966 Denise is peppy!  She almost always addresses groups of people with, “YOU GUYS!” and is undeterred by her 4th consecutive year not making the cheer squad and is happy, instead, with her role as student council secretary. 1966 Denise will make the semi-finals for Miss Corncob but will be sabotaged (as her story goes) by a jealous competitor who steals her sheet music for her flute solo routine, just before the competition.

The most notable thing about 1968 Denise is that almost everyone she meets wants to punch her in the face.

1970 Denise secretly wishes her name was FiFi and is planning to move to Paris to study art and literature and music.  She will settle for a summer job making shakes at Tastee Freeze and practice french kissing with a cook named Roger.  Privately, he calls her Fifi and she calls him Armando.

1972 Denise accidentally took a drink of a Coca Cola that had a bee in it shortly before yearbook pictures were taken.  She spent her entire senior year being called, “Big Lips Denise”. At prom, the popular kids played a trick on her and splashed her dress with pig’s blood. She killed them all with her telekinesis and no one ever called her Big Lips Denise again.  The end.

Oh, 1976 Denise.  Why?  WHY?!

This is 1980 Denise.  I would rip on her more, but I have several pictures of my mother that look almost exactly like this.  So, point her toward the disco and LETS DANCE! She wants to party! (WHOO!) She wants to get down! (Whoo!)

In 1982, Denise turned into an heirloom varietal of mushroom.  The kind that delicately holds a dainty flower to it’s ruffled head.

Finally, we have 1988 Denise… the year the ACTUAL Denise ACTUALLY graduated from high school. I would venture that this Denise doesn’t look all that dissimilar to the actual Denise if you add about 12 bottles of Sun-In, and all my best friend’s make-up, jewelry and clothes.  Because, yeah, I didn’t have a single thing I owned on in any of my senior pictures.  It was Steph’s sweaters and Steph’s rings and Steph’s make-up and Steph’s Sun-In and Steph’s lipgloss that we stole (she liked to call it “borrowing”) from Thrifty’s.  My personal favorite is the one where I am hunched pensively over - with my fist crammed into my neck while I lean against a fake tree with big fake knots in the wood, which is in front of a large plastic screen with a picture of a forest on it.  Because, the 80’s were all about being natural and environmentally conscious.  Heh.