A haiku:

The Christmas season

sneaks up on me yearly, and

Santa makes me cry.

____________________

Miles of paper wrap

that I can not live without

I hate by next year.

_____________

We’d need 4 trees to

actually use all these

fucking ornaments.

_____________

Shamefully, I have

to admit I secretly

love Hickory Farms.

Feel free to use them on your greeting cards this year!

(No charge.)

Did you know that JC was running for office? Me either!  But I can’t wait for the debates!

Kissy Face.  This sometimes results in an actual kiss, and sometimes with a smear of mucus across your face.  You take your chances.

I’m pretty sure she won’t try to jam that up my nose.

Or Kory’s…

Kory didn’t tell me until afterward that he took this picture (which is a beautiful shot) because when I see a bee, I do this weird thing where I run around in circles yelling, “BEE! BEE! BEE! BEE!” with ever increasing volume until the bee leaves or I pass out, whichever happens first.  Since this bee is approximately the size of a mouse, I’m certain I would have entered a state of catatonic shock.

Isn’t this sweet?  If only, in my head, I wasn’t going, “WHY won’t she walk? Does she remember that she has legs? Will she still, at 15,  be putting her hands above her head going , “Uh UH UH UPPIE! UPPIE!”???  This is called a WALK, not a CARRY!”

Cookie, at Joe’s.  She got invited to an Obama Fundraising Kegger, too… but we were all, not until you clean the garage.  That settled that.

Then we found a secret playground…

And then she climbed this chainlink wall thing and I was like, “Did you teach her that?” and he was all, “No! You didn’t?” And then we thought about how if she can climb chain walls without our knowledge, maybe she can make us spaghetti, too?  And dinner plans were solidified.

We crossed the train tracks.

And then realized a train was coming and decided to wait for it.

Won’t The Baby think it’s amazing?  Doesn’t she LOVE trains and want to listen to her Choo Choo Soul CD every moment of every day*?

This is the train going by… veeeeeeery slowly….

This is The Baby just before she started yelling, “OH NO! OH NO! OH NO!” and clamping her little hands over her ears as if the sound of a train on it’s tracks were making her brain explode and her ears bleed.

This is the pacifier we jammed in her mouth to make her stop screaming.  Doesn’t she look pleased with the whole train experience?

I have a neighbor named Joe, but I don’t mean him.

And I’m super keen on a couple of guys named Barack and Joe… but I don’t mean him, either.

What I mean is the neighborhood Joe’s Market & Deli store that serves the hundreds of people that live in my neighborhood, the breakdown of which is:

90% Students, living in rentals

9% Young couples and families living in their first purchased homes that they have now out-grown but due to the shiteously doomed housing market that has now been compounded and consumed by the shiteously doomed economy, are now forced to live in for the next decade… even though the bathroom (with it’s window and shiny, porcelain “bed”) is starting to look like a viable 3rd bedroom.

1% Crazy old man, living off the grid,  who is also a water-thief.

(Are you noting how science-ish I’m being, and mathy, too?)

Keeping that scientific breakdown of demographic analysis in mind, this is what you CAN and CAN NOT get at Joe’s:

Can get: A single red bell pepper, for a mere $3.29 (probability that a college student would know this is wildly over-priced off-set by likelihood college student would want to buy it, anyway)

Can’t get: Diapers, wipes, bottles, formula, baby food. Really, anything baby related.  There are condoms available for purchase though, which is baby related in a antithesis sort of way.

Can get: Every form of single can/bottled beverage ever conceived of, including every flavor of Jones sodas, all fruit drinks, teas, sodas and waters. I’ve even seen the Roasted Turkey and Pumpkin Pie flavors of Jones soda on their shelves.

Can’t get: Anything “Caffeine-Free”, even popular caffeine-free Coke products are not available for purchase.  Because, clearly, things without caffeine are for pussies.

Can get: Exact directions to the nearest keg tapping. And an invite to join in.

Can’t get: Tomatoes.  Not even ones that cost $3.29 a piece.

Can get: Cap’n Crunch, Doritos, soy products, bakery items, frozen pizzas, Kraft macaroni & cheese

Can’t get: TUMS, mandarin oranges, english muffins, grapes…

Scientific conclusion:  9% of our neighborhood should not attempt shopping at Joe’s.*

(1% of us doesn’t use what we “sell-outs” refer to as “money”, anyway.)

*Unless hung-over, childless, devoid of nutrition, and looking to PAR-TAY. **

** Which, totally describes a college student… so, if that describes YOU and you aren’t one, you should consider taking a GOOD, LONG, HARD*** look at your life, buddy.

***That’s what she said.