ACT I
Setting: Kitchen, our house, 7:15am.
[Enter Wife, who busies herself with making coffee and opening the donut holes she purchased at Target the night before. Husband is leaning against counter. Eating what appears to be a cookie.]
Scene 1
Wife: You want coffee? [her back to him, while she shuffles things on the counter around to reach the coffeemaker]
Husband: Yeah. I need to get an early start today.
Wife: [whirls around, fists in the air] OH YEAH?!!! (challenging)
Husband: [leaps into fighting stance] Are you challenging me to a Dance Off?!
Wife: Prepare to meet your doom, sucka.
Husband weaves around in a circle in a half limbo stance. Wife, encumbered by large pregnant belly, busts out a complicated plethora of arm dance moves that embraces both the beauty of “The Vogue” and the historical preclivities of Cleopatra. Both are intensely staring threateningly at one another.
Husband: [knowing he is bested] I’d say that’s a tie.
Wife: We both know I just wiped the floor with you with my bad-ass sweet moves.
Husband: It was almost a tie…
Wife: You got served.
Scene 2
Wife hands Husband cup of coffee. Gestures toward open container of powdered donut holes.
Wife: Hole?
Husband: [opens mouth]
Wife puts donut hole in Husband’s mouth. Husband unwisely decides to pull entire hole into his mouth, instead of just taking a bite.
Husband: MMPPPH!
Wife: [smirking] Got a little situation now, do we?
Husband: MMMMPH! RRRRRLGGG! [looking wildly around the kitchen]
Wife: Dude. What are you looking for?
Husband: MMHARG RLLLLLALGA!!!
Wife: That little glob of dough has turned to spackle, eh?
Husband: EEEEEERRRRRRRBB. [reaches in fridge for a Diet Mountain Dew, pops it open and slams it]
Husband: Jesus Christ. That was terrible.
Wife: It certainly didn’t look recommended.
[Wife pauses, then turns around, powered donut hole in hand]
Wife: Hole?
ACT II
Setting: At work, in cubicle. Talking over the wall to coworker.
Wife: What is that noise?
Coworker: What noise?
Wife: [pauses] There! That noise.
Coworker: I don’t hear it.
[they both pause to listen]
Wife: Never mind. My nose is whistling. It’s my right nostril.