Me: Whatever. That was totally your fault.

Kory: Oh RIGHT.  And I suppose acid rain is my fault, too.

Me: ACID RAIN????? DUDE! No one has mentioned acid rain in like 20 years.

Me: Um. Perestroika is your fault, too! And… and … like, parachute pants and the Iran Contra scandal!

Kory: You suck.

Me:  Yo, who’s that guy in the corner again?

Kory:  (at 3am.) Mmmmbb?

Me:  That guy.  Casting that giant shadow on our wall.  Giving me YOU KNOW, THE LOOK.

Kory: Um.  What guy?

Me:  Him. *pointing*  Don’t act like you don’t know who I mean.  The guy LOOKING AT ME.

Kory: Oh. That’s SUPERION.

Me: Oh, yeah.  Super.

Kory:  Do you remember what he’s made of?

Me:  Yeah… flying Autobots.

Kory: ARIEL Autobots.  Just think of Ariel, the mermaid.

Me: Dude, I fucking know what ariel means….

Kory: *rolling over and going back to sleep*  Just trying to be helpful…

I used to tip 15%. I used that (handy!) trick of doubling the tax to figure that terrible math problem out.

Then, my best friend became a server some time in the mid 90’s.  That’s when I was informed that we are all stupid under-tipping assholes and we need to tip at least 20% because servers have to tip the runners and the busers as well…

And then I started tipping a little more than 20%  when it was brought to my attention that many places withhold 11-13% of each food servers daily tickets based on the faulty assumption that most of America aren’t stupid under-tipping assholes.

And now that I have small children that leave the table, high chair, booster seat, carpet, window treatments and other patrons covered in their partially eaten grilled cheeses and corn dog nuggets, I leave closer to 50% tip.

Now I’m an informed over-tipping asshole.