Me: Whatever. That was totally your fault.
Kory: Oh RIGHT. And I suppose acid rain is my fault, too.
Me: ACID RAIN????? DUDE! No one has mentioned acid rain in like 20 years.
Me: Um. Perestroika is your fault, too! And… and … like, parachute pants and the Iran Contra scandal!
Kory: You suck.
Me: Yo, who’s that guy in the corner again?
Kory: (at 3am.) Mmmmbb?
Me: That guy. Casting that giant shadow on our wall. Giving me YOU KNOW, THE LOOK.
Kory: Um. What guy?
Me: Him. *pointing* Don’t act like you don’t know who I mean. The guy LOOKING AT ME.
Kory: Oh. That’s SUPERION.
Me: Oh, yeah. Super.
Kory: Do you remember what he’s made of?
Me: Yeah… flying Autobots.
Kory: ARIEL Autobots. Just think of Ariel, the mermaid.
Me: Dude, I fucking know what ariel means….
Kory: *rolling over and going back to sleep* Just trying to be helpful…
I used to tip 15%. I used that (handy!) trick of doubling the tax to figure that terrible math problem out.
Then, my best friend became a server some time in the mid 90’s. That’s when I was informed that we are all stupid under-tipping assholes and we need to tip at least 20% because servers have to tip the runners and the busers as well…
And then I started tipping a little more than 20% when it was brought to my attention that many places withhold 11-13% of each food servers daily tickets based on the faulty assumption that most of America aren’t stupid under-tipping assholes.
And now that I have small children that leave the table, high chair, booster seat, carpet, window treatments and other patrons covered in their partially eaten grilled cheeses and corn dog nuggets, I leave closer to 50% tip.
Now I’m an informed over-tipping asshole.