deeples

Postcards to the American Idol hopefuls.

February9

Dear Bikini Girl,

A few items:

1. You clearly didn’t realize it then, but you will when you watch the show… you were never talented enough. They put you through only to piss off Paula and Kara. And you knew that, right?  Thus the bikini and all?

2. The dress with the cut-off shoulders?  Yeah.  Only hookers living in the penthouse with Richard Gere wear dresses with large parts of the fabric cut out.  And, really, she only wore them until she got the charge card.

3. Gross out with the making out with Ryan against his will.  However, it seems to play right into what appears to be your long term goal of replacing Tara Reid as the next Skanasaurus Rex.

Your pal,

Deeples

_________________________

Dear Blind Guy,

This is what it’s like (so far) when I watch you perform:

I like him!

He’s good!

Wait, he’s not that good…

Do I only think he’s good because he’s blind?

Kind of like how I only liked that Turkey Farmer Kid because he was all turkey farmer-ish?

No, he’s good…

and look at him playing the piano!

And he can’t even SEE THE KEYS!

Wait.  That’s not very PC.

Would I still be impressed that he can play the piano if he could see?

It’s a good thing he doesn’t see all those gaudy gold-framed mirrors on his parent’s wall…

Hmm.  That was mean.

He’s pretty good… and that high-five with Seacrest was pretty funny…

Your pal,

Deeples

____________________________

Dear Tatiana,

It appears that you maybe think you are Evita.  Or maybe Shakira or Miss America.  Or a hysterical braying donkey that blows kisses at people?  Who does that overly dramatic blowing kisses thing, again?

Oh yeah.

Your pal,

Deeples

________________________________

Dear Danny,

AKA, Robert Downey Jr, pre-drugs, pre-rehab, pre-jail.

My money’s on you, baby.

Love,

Deeples

__________________________________

Dear Osmond Guy,

If all things Osmond didn’t terrify me, I’d like you.

However, it goes like this:

1. Clowns

2. Dolls that move or have secret powers

3. Dark alleys

4. Osmonds

5. Dental work

6. Spiders

etc.

Your pal,

Deeples

______________________________

Dear Anoop,

You have a nice voice, actually… but the problem is, nothing you have sung so far goes well with the constant soundtrack in my head.

Noop! Noop de doop.  Noop de doop de doop de doop.  YOU MAKE ME WANT TO NOOP NOOP NOOP…

(sigh).

Your pal,

Deeples

_______________________

Dear Adam,

Rock on you little Emo cutie-pie.

Careful… there is a line with black hair dye, eyeliner and chain accessories.

There is a line that CAN be crossed.

Are you a little David-ish?  Yeah.  Do you have a similiar giant forehead.  Yep.

But you can also SING, dollface.

Go gettum.

Love,

Deeples

___________________________

Dear Jesse (Jessica) Langseth,

Hi Johnny Lang’s little sister.

Didn’t think we’d find out, did ya?

Well, guess what HOMETOWN GIRL… we know now!!! And we loves you!!!

Your pal,

Deeples

_________________________________

And a special note to our new judge, Kara…

Dear Kara,

I’ve been prepared to dislike you for quite some time.  I’d heard, months before the show started, that you weren’t particularly kind to contestants.  That you sang, occasionally, to show them how a song was SUPPOSED to sound.

From early pictures it was clear that I was going to have issues with your wardrobe and jewelry (it can never be as bad as Paula, right? Right?!)…

After seeing you on, I don’t know, 6 shows so far between the auditions and whatnot?

I like you.

A lot.

I would say the things you would say, and I would sing a song to show someone how it was supposed to be done if I was a Grammy-winning songwriter/artist.  I would!

So, cram it, Rob.  She rocks.  :p

Love,

Deeples

American Idol Finale (Subtitle: Punked. I guess you got me.)

May26

I tell you this:  I am only writing this post about the finale because to not write ANYTHING would be like trying to hang up on someone when you are on a cell phone.  No more days of screaming at someone on my purple Princess phone and SLAMMING IT DOWN in a fury of plastic.  Now, one can only hit the “End” button on their cell. Harshly. Which means the only way to come even close to the classic release of pent up anger that was smashing a phone onto the cradle is to end the call when they are in mid sentence… and it’s so not the same. Used to be, you could hang up so hard the other person would actually have to hold their phone away from their ear… now the most you can hope for is a confused, “Hello? Can you hear me now?” when they finally realize you are gone.

I had 3/4ths of a blog written last Tuesday.  A torrent of anger at the injustice of it all…. that an ass-clown like Archubarfa would be the American Idol and that it would be so blatantly obvious from the production of the show and the judges comments…  and then on Wednesday’s finale and I sat through the yards of ridiculous bullshit to get to the verdict and this is what I hear:

Seacrest: “Ok, this is it.  I have in my hand the results of over 90 million votes. The next American Idol is…

And it’s over.  The DVR had stopped recording at that exact moment.  Kory and I stare at each other unable to believe that it actually stopped there… it almost seemed planned. One last final ridiculous blow to the American public after a finale of unfathomable suckitude.  [I will also remind you that I’d falled down the stairs earlier in the evening, so I wasn’t exactly at the top of my game.]  I limped over to the laptap to see, you know, just officially David Archuleta’s name as the next Idol… and there it was…

David Cook Wins Idol!

Wah?

How…is that… possible?

I won’t even go into the fact that I had ALMOST AN ENTIRE BLOG WRITTEN about how DAVID COOK DID NOT WIN because how could anything else even be possible after that show???  But… but… really?  And to not have actually heard Ryan say his name and see his reaction and the reaction of the judges and everyone else? It was like just hearing later that Gore didn’t win…

Wha?

How…is that…even possible?

  • The whole boxing theme was not only stupid and verging on jumping the shark, it was insulting.
  • It was sort of funny, actually, when the announcer called Archubarfa “100 pounds, soaking wet”
  • When they both posed at the end of the segment in their leather jackets, trying to make fists and act like they were punching each other, it was possibly the gayest thing I’ve ever seen.
  • I hate the Songwriters contest. I hate those stupid, graduation day songs about people being in their moments and living their dreams and realizing their fate and blah blah blah.  I hate the songs. I hate that they make them sing them.  Go ahead, put them on the next “Praise 11″ CD, but PLEASE stop making the contestants sing them.
  • I got to hear my Collective Soul song!
  • I hate so much when contestants re-sing a past song. I was so proud of Cook when he said he believed the contest to be a progression and wouldn’t want to sing something he’d already done.
  • I love the songs that Clive Davis picks for the contestants.  It’s always a great choice and usually one of my favorite things they sing all season.  Of course, Clive Davis is an extremely powerful man and he makes artists and squashes careers all before breakfast.  In fact, I’m only writing this because I’m afraid Clive Davis will have me killed if I don’t.
  • NO ONE CAN SING THE PHONEBOOK. THIS TURN OF PHRASE MUST BE BANNED FROM THE SHOW!
  • Ryan Seacrest must stop tanning.  He is starting to look like an Oompa Loompa.
  • It was sure nice to see Michael Johns again.
  • Wardrobe people:  this is a totally serious offer.  Listen up! If you ARE EVER in the Minneapolis area, please contact me because I would like to take you all out for several dozen rounds of martinis and discuss *shrugs* just, you know, slightly… the wardrobe decisions for the finale.  Nothing big, just little things like…oh, say…. WHY BOTH THE DAVIDS WERE WEARING STARS (Cook: silver star necklace, Archie: Big star on shirt)… and WHY ARCHUBARFA WAS WEARING A SUIT COAT COVERED IN GROTESQUELY LARGE NAUTICAL ANCHORS?!! Just little things like that… over a few nice martinis. Yum, right?

It’s been a week…  I’m over it.  I’m happy(?) that David Cook won.  Maybe I’m just glad Archubarfa didn’t win?  Maybe that’s more accurate.  I’m glad that the talent won over the popularity contest.  Maybe it’s even a good thing that I can still be punked by Idol.  Good that I can’t see everything coming and know exactly how it all will end each season… because what fun would that be, anyway?

I wish I could muster more emotion, but it’s been a week and it’s been a hell of a week for me and… it’s just kind of over.  It’s like breaking up over email.  Or quitting your job by just leaving at lunch and not coming back.

I admit, there is a little lack of closure on it all.

But you know what?  Some time this fall, Idol, you can get wasted and drunk dial me and maybe we’ll get back together…

American Idol Top 3 (Subtitle: Erm. Hmm. Ok. Well.)

May14

You know what is a bit of a bummer?  Wanting to be blown away then really, really NOT being blown away.

9 performances. 9 times I kind of bounced in my seat and did little clappy things with my hands in anticipation of blownawayedness. 9 times I went, “Uh…..ok.  Well? Ok.”  Each little disappointment was minute…but even a little let-down, if it happens 9 times IN A ROW becomes a bit much.

Each one, in order…. here goes….

 Judges choices

David A – “And So It Goes”

While his outfit was typical David… the endless Members Only-esque jackets and jeans and tennis shoes, I was actually pleasantly surprised by his performance.  I am a huge Billy Joel fan (when will he be a mentor??) and own most of his greatest hits and albums, so I was surprised to hear a song that I’m unfamiliar with… but honestly, it was my favorite performance of Little David’s so far.

I’m intrigued by the sideways spiky bangs.   What is that?

I’m not sayin’, I’m just sayin’.

SEPARATED AT BIRTH

Syesha – “If I Aint Got You”

Oh, the controversy.  She’s sung this song before.  Performed it on another TV show, in fact.  Rumor mill is so abuzz that she achieves CONSPIRACY THEORY levels of attention.

She’s a plant…

They pushed her though because if all else fails, they already planned to offer her a contract before Idol 7 started…

They’ve encouraged her into the best song choices…

Even though she is consistently in the bottom 3, she always makes it through even though there is no visible fan support for her – no signs in the audience, no fan boards on the Internet, etc.

Because, you know, people can’t get better. Or make better choices.  Geez.

I didn’t love it, but it was pretty good. It wasn’t BAD.  So, hmm.

 David Cook – “The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face”

I liked that it was almost acapella at the beginning… and I, of course, loved the raging rocker at the end because DUDE – IT IS HARD TO RAGE TO ROBERTA FLACK.  But, it was a bit formulaic to me.  Sort of the now patented David Cook “spin” is to take these songs and start slow and easy and sexy and low and then build, BUILD, BUILD to the full-blown rocker yell at the end… and the thing is, you can only ride a really great rollercoaster so many times until that amazing loop-dee-loop at the end no longer makes you scream (and clutch your chest?)…

The Songs they chose themselves….

David Archy – “With You”

David (singing):  I need you, Boo.

I fall off my chair, smash my face on a jar of cashews and The Baby’s Learn and Groove toy.

David (singing):  I gotta see you, Boo.

The Baby sprouts wings and begins to flap around the living room while yelling “BYE BYE! BYE BYE! UH-OH! BYE-BYE! UH-OH!”

David (singing): And the hearts all over the world tonight…  *doing boppity jiggity dancey moves*

The Teen comes upstairs and announces that from now on, he’d like to only eat fresh fish for dinner and has given up all video games to concentrate more completely on his studies and personal spirituality and also, could someone please drive him to the library and then he’d like to clean the garage… if no one minds, of course.

David  (singing):  Ooooh, I need you, Boo….

Kory jumps up and does a flying karate kick into the kitchen, begins yelling at everyone in French with excessive “Mon deu!”s and then demands, “WOMAN! GET IN HERE AND CLEAN THIS KITCHEN AND THEN MAKE ME A TURKEY POT PIE!”

I’m telling, you…  we were so disturbed that it actually seemed as though we’d slipped into a different dimension and the laws of nature changed.

Also, it was fully obvious that you raided Blake Lewis’ old closet.  Dork.

Syesha “Fever”

I had high hopes.  Until I heard her actually explain that she was going to use a chair as a prop because, um, helloooo, you don’t EXPLAIN your prop or it looks really, really, really propish and it’s not like the missing ingredient in the Syesha Pop Star Stew was “Make yourself more obvious“.  Of course she sang it well.. but could she have really played up and emphasized the parts that would have showcased her more fully?  Uh-huh.  Especially the “what a lovely way to burn” parts could have just sizzled us out of our seats…but…….. eh.

David Cook –  “Dare you to move”

Well, he certainly embraced the whole idea of cheesy lyrics early on.  I don’t mind Switchfoot and I’ve heard this song many times and like it just fine… and I’m always glad to see David with the guitar strapped on because he’s always more comfortable when it’s there.. his guitar woobie.

But, dammit, I wanted Collective Soul….  sigh……

Random, scary Justin Guarini:

The songs the Producers chose:

David Archubarfa – “Longer”

I always like these fading from long to close up shots… (all pictures taken by the lovely Kory, of course)

As previously mentioned, I love Dan Fogelberg and that’s not at all like someone liking Englebert Humperdink or  Meat Loaf or some other uncooly named 70’s artist, because Dan Fogelberg is a genius and if you doubt that, just ask Kory who almost drove us into a ditch in 94W when I lost my ever-loving-mind when “Leader of the Band” came on the XM radio and I tried to simultaneously rip my shirt off and throw it out the window and wave a lighter and bellow at the top of my lungs, “I’M JUST A LIVING LEGACY TO THE LEADER OOOOOOOF THE BAAAAAAND”.  Genius, I’m telling you.

Which is why this Sunday School, beauty pageant, goopy, Kathy Lee Griffin, saccharin bullshit version made me a little bit angry.  But angry in a deep sigh, shoulders slumped defeated kind of way.  Which pretty much explains my whole relationship with David Archubarfa.  Confused. Irritated. Nauseated. Defeated.
I think “Boo” sums it up.

Syesha – “Hit Me Up”

What. Was. That?

Me: Is this Beyonce?  It seems kind of Beyonce.

Kory: Yeah.  Wow.  It’s…….

Me: Or maybe it’s Destiny’s Child? Or Beyonce?

Kory: Yeah. Geez. It’s really..

Me: I wonder if this is Beyonce.  It’s kind of…

Kory: Bad.

Me:  Yeah.

Turns out it’s by someone named, “Gia” that I have never heard of, and it was featured in the movie “Happy Feet” and while it wasn’t actually ABOUT penguins, it might as well have been…

*makes scrunchy ‘shit, dude… this aint lookin’ good’ face*

You had a good run, kid.  Good for you.

Random extremely happy, smiling guy that totally made me laugh and hopefully will have his own podcast or youtube.com following ASAP:

I’m like Archubarfa! I have his hair! And his furry eyebrows! And his Chiclet teeth!  But I’m MUCH, MUCH HAPPIER!

David Cook – “I Don’t Want to Miss A Thing”

Ok, I’m not only an Aerosmith junkie, but I have seen “Armageddon”, oh, about 350 MILLION TIMES and if you think for one minute I am not replaying Ben Affleck making the animal crackers walk across Liv Tyler’s stomach and then part at the end when she yells “Daddy!” and is holding her hand against the TV screen while Bruce Willis is choked up rumbling to her in his growly voice, “I’m not coming home, Gracie” and then she and I dissolve into big slobbery tears.. EVERY TIME I HEAR THIS SONG, you are wildly mistaken.  One could say I am invested in this song.

So……….. then there are weird continuous flashes to Diane Warren in the audience, who really just looks like any middle-aged horsey-faced woman, prompting me to say to Kory about 30 times in a row, “WHO IS THAT WOMAN? WHO IS THAT WOMAN? WHO IS THAT WOMAN?!”, to which my ever patient husband replies, ” I don’t know, honey. Maybe if we watch, they will tell us.”

Except that I know better.  I know that frequently American Idol will flash to people in the audience … like, oh, say, for example, that gay assistant from “Entourage” and NEVER GIVE ANY EXPLANATION for it and you just better hope, sister, that you watch enough TV to know who almost anyone is (and thankfully, I almost do)…

So, the song was good for me because I love it and I attach all kinds of memories and emotions to it that probably have no business being there.. but it wasn’t GOOD good, you know.  Just…….. good.   Mostly.

Tonight:  Syesha. Of course Syesha…

The finale will be ALL DAVIDS… ALL THE TIME.

I could have a heart attack and die from not surprised.

Also, guess what?

PAULA ABDUL IS A STORM-TROOPER DOMINATRIX!!!

Who knew?

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